Bart Bass is dead, but don’t worry, he’s left quite a legacy. Mr. Cheney-Bass was richer than Bloomberg and developed more real estate than Trump (but I wonder if his buildings were made of shiny, classy gold like Trump’s). It’s the morning of Bart’s funeral and Boring the Girl, who is dressed like an actual 17-year-old, is having breakfast with Eric and Lily’s mother. Lily has been working non-stop on Bart’s funeral as a way to deal with his death. The whole world seems to be impressed with the hot photo the New York Times decided to use for Bart’s obituary, so thoughtful. Blair and Inconceivable are chowing down on breakfast at their apartment and someone finally thinks to ask how Perfection is. Well, no one has seen him, but the hotel keeps sending food to his room, really these people are so thoughtful.
D-Sack stops by the House of Bass to see BtG, he’s been such a rock (dense) for her. The Big Ole Ugly walks in to see how his boring girlfriend is doing and surprise, surprise, she’s okay. Imagine that. Her stepfather of a few months whom she had no real relationship with dies and she’s okay. Now what about Bart’s real son?!! The hot one who’s emotionally vulnerable right now?
RuRu and Lily are walking in Central Park. Lily feels guilty for casting the Death Curse on Bart while he was on his way to the ball to win her back. RuRu says he’ll wait for her as long as it takes. Lily’s bitch of a mom sees RuRu as he exits the park. How many exits are there to Central Park? And she just happens to see him leave?
Perfection finally gets some screen time and he’s beautifully disheveled. He’s in the bar ignoring everyone’s calls. He meets with his father’s former private detective and this guy doesn’t have a scratch on him, this bothers me for two reasons. How can you be involved in a car accident with someone (neither person is buckled up) who dies and not even have a scratch on you? Some have suggested that the PI got out of the car before the accident happened. Okay, that’s possible, but then wouldn’t you be at least a little shaken at the fact that you cheated death? Anyway, Perfection wants to know everything the PI found on Lily. The dickhead PI goes on and on about how much money both Lily and Perfection are going to get in the will, like losing your dad is the most awesome thing that can happen to a person! Then Magnum P.Idiot says he’s going to wait to see who’s willing to pay more for the info, Perf or Lily. Wow, Bart had really great friends. Perf is quiet and deliberate.
Lily “Bellatrix Lestrange” listens to the last message Bart left her. He says he needs to talk to her and not about her getting cozy with her ex RuRu, but about why she was really in that hopital-Francais, ooh la la.
Bart’s funeral is fancy!! D-Sack and the BOU are both standing outside the chapel. They both get a text from BtG, but D-Sack’s comes through first. Sweet! He totally won that one. Jenny arrives for some reason and then the VD-Woodsens, all wearing huge sunglasses. You know what Rachel Zoe always says, “A big pair of sunglasses are like a huge ‘do not disturb sign’.” So true Rachel. BtG half hugs her awful, ugly boyfriend and then fully embraces her ex-BF, D-Sack. D-Sack two points, BOU zero, yes, I’m keeping score, this is a funeral after all. Mother VD-Woodsen asks Lily if RuRu is coming, how inappropriate would that be?!
Now come the tears, I cried three times during this episode, real tears. Well, done Gossip Girl writers. So Blair and Nate are walking an extremely drunk Perfection from the limo into the chapel and I must say Ed Westwick is a very good actor. His drunk acting is very convincing and not cheesy at all. He’s totally getting an Emmy for this one, just like Wall-E is getting a Best Picture Oscar nomination. Cry #1: Perf goes ballistic when he sees D-Sack at his father’s funeral. He is a hot mess. He screams in D-Sack’s face saying that RuRu is the reason Bart is dead. He’s so tragic. D-Sack decides to leave because Perfection actually has a right to be there and he doesn’t. BtG has the nerve to say she wants him to stay. Bitch please, this is not your father’s funeral. No one even knows who your father is. Perf is on a rampage and Lily is next. He calls her a whore after she tells him they all need family now. Perf, on the verge of tears, tells Bellatrix Lestrange that he has no family!!! I totally just lost it. I dry my tears during the commercial break.
RuRu is singing back at the loft in BK when D-Sack walks in. When asked why he’s back so soon from the funeral, D-Sack tells him about Perfection spouting off all that jazz about RuRu casting the Death Curse on Bart. D-Sack asks what he could’ve meant by that.
At the House of Bass the funeral reception is underway. Perf is looking like Heath Ledger’s Joker, he’s in really tough shape. Blair is really concerned about him and rightly so. Nate tells her she’s very maternal toward Perfection. All this funeral business is making Inconceivable want to get married Eleanor Waldorf tomorrow! Elle likes the idea, but of course, Blair isn’t happy. Jenny overhears Elle saying she’ll need a dress and Jenny says she’ll make it for her. The BOU gives BtG a ticket to Buenos Aires for Christmas, what about the gift of sex? She says she can’t go because her family is in mourning. He asks if she really can’t leave D-Sack, he’s perceptive. She says they’re just friends.
Mother VD-Woodsen wants Lily to tell her what Perfection knows about her past. Lily says she doesn’t know and doesn’t have the mental capacity to go head to head with Perfection, I’ll say. Mother gets an important call and leaves. In another room Perfection is going through Bart’s things when Lily walks in. He can’t even look at her. She tells him it’s no one’s fault and he tells her it’s hers. She slaps him!!! He informs her that once he gets his money they’ll never see him again. Eric steps in and says he’s lost a stepfather, don’t make him lose a brother. Perfection looks Eric right in the eye and says they were never family. This breaks my heart! Don’t hurt Eric!
Mother tells Lily that the PI came asking for money to smother the story. Mother always told her not to tell, now Mother wants the story to come out. Lily doesn’t and tells her to pay the PI to keep quiet.
Blair runs after Perfection and wants to help him. He says she’s not his girlfriend. She tells him she’ll stand by him because…she loves him!! Cry #2: With his red, swollen eyes filling with tears, he tells her that’s just too bad and leaves in the limo. Tears are pouring down my face at this point, I was an emotional wreck. And did Bart not leave anyone in charge of Perfection. He has no one to hold him accountable, no one to look after him. It’s actually really sad.
BtG and D-Sack are walking in the rain in BK. She tells him about her ugly tickets to Buenos Aires. She reminds him that they were in the middle of a conversation about their futures when Bart died, what a sensitive step daughter. She wants D-Sack to ask her to stay. He says “go if you want to”. See, stupid girl, playing mind games will get you nowhere.
Inconceivable tells Blair he loves her and she says she loves him. She confides in him about Perfection saying something about how only a masochist (Blair) could love a narcissist (Perfection). Her future step father hugs her and tells her it will be alright.
Lily asks Mother what happened with the PI and she tells her it’s over. Mother asks what she going to about loving RuRu. Lily has tried to fight it for long enough. BtG walks in to hear this and says, “So that’s why [Perfection] was so upset?” BtG says she should’ve seen this coming. Lily tells her RuRu wants to be with her too. BtG tells her mother she should be with RuRu. BtG decides to go to BA with the BOU even though she loves D-Sack. She’s not smart enough to realize there’s a third option, just don’t go to BA!
D-Sack seeks Jenny’s advice about BtG, the BOU and Buenos Aires. Jenny said he should’ve said something. The two of them go to the House of Waldorf to deliver the wedding dress. Lily calls to ask RuRu out for a Christmas date. They decide to go away tonight, the same night D-Sack plans to win back BtG, OMG incest!
The PI says Perfection is the only bidder, Mother told him Lily wants the story leaked, liar! The PI gives Perf the envelope containing Lily’s secret. The PI keeps telling Perf he’s going to become the richest kid in NYC! He says this like it’s the greatest thing ever. I’m waiting for a montage of Perfection cruising NYC Disney’s-Blank-Check-style dropping money on gigantic bouncy castles, trash cans full of ice cream and topsy-turvy waterslides that he found on the Kid Internet. This doesn’t happen, because this is a serious show.
BtG arrives at Elle’s wedding and tells the BOU she’s decided to go to Argentina with him. D-Sack and Jenny walk in with the dress. “I carried the garment bag” is all D-Sack can say. He sounds like Baby from Diry Dancing. “I carried a watermelon.” He’s such a girl! He actually tells BtG that he wants her to stay and she tells him their parents are in love. He’s delusional and says they could still work it out, gross? She reminds him that she has an ugly boyfriend and then gives him a genuine hug. They’ll talk after the holidays.
Perfection and Bellatrix Lestrange are at the House of Bass and he’s reading the scoop on her secret. He tells her he can’t believe she’d want it made public. He tells Lily her mother lied to her. Lily begs him not to do it and suggests he turn to the people around him who care about him.
Elle and Inconceivable’s wedding is pretty and really cute, everyone looks really happy. During the wedding D-Sack is out walking alone as Perfection tosses the information he’s gathered on Lily into the Goblet of Fire. Meanwhile, RuRu and Lily are packing for their rendezvous. Back at the wedding Dorota whispers something to Blair. It looks like Perf is there to see her. He looks so vulnerable!! He’s sitting on her bed and Blair just throws her arms around him. After a little hesitation he holds her arm and embraces her. Okay, I’m BAWLING at this point. This is such a moving scene. It takes the entire commercial break to compose myself.
RuRu is leaving a note for the kids when Mother stops by BK. She says she’s only ever wanted Lily to be happy, yeah right. He tells her that he’ll hear Lily’s secret from her when she’s ready to tell him. Mother tells him that Lily loves him and it will only hurt him if he continues to be left in the dark about her secret.
The BOU and BtG are on their way to the airport, flirting awkwardly. D-Sack walks in on RuRu in the dark, he looks so sad. RuRu says he’ll never be with Lily, even though BtG had said otherwise. D-Sack calls BtG because RuRu is just that upset. The BOU tells her to answer it, he knows she still likes D-Sack, but he reinforces that he really likes BtG too.
Blair is maternally spooning Perfection to the National, I love them…Perf and Blair and The National.
Lily is waiting in Grand Central for RuRu. He walks up to her and simply asks if it was a boy or a girl!!!!! OMG Gossip Girl, Lily and RuRu conceived a child and she either aborted it or put it up for adoption without ever telling him!!! Poor RuRu, this is huge!
Blair wakes up to find Perfection gone, but he’s left a note. I didn’t read it fast enough, but I think it probably said “Thanks but no thanks.” This was a really sad episode and my sarcasm definitely got served.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Friday, December 5, 2008
Orphanizer Orphan Orphanizer You’re an Orphanizer Oh Orphanizer Oh You’re an Orphanizer Baby (Working title Nakedness Tonight)
At first I wasn’t going to bother writing a recap for this episode of Gossip Girl since the CW has been telling us all week that this was “un-missable”. I assumed this meant that no matter how hard you tried you would somehow end up watching it whether you liked it or not. I was surprised that they didn’t run it on all the major networks…anyway.
You’ll never guess what time it is, Senior Snowflake Charity Ball time!!!!! Blair is so pumped for this and Boring the Girl is so over it. Remember, she’s dating an older guy for his personality (definitely not his looks). She’s mature enough to overlook such things. Perfection interrupts them to shoot down all of Blair’s potential dates. She totally got served and ends up crossing off every guy she had on her list. I would’ve expected some sort of flow chart or bar graph from Blair, not a plain, ordinary list.
BtG runs into D-Sack in the hall at school and boredom ensues!! BtG shows him the rare book she bought for the Big Ole Ugly at a rare bookstore that D-Sack introduced her to. What? No sex as a gift this year? It looks like both D-Sack and BtG are going to the ball solo. BtG proudly informs us that the BOU is cool with her being friends with her ex because he’s friends with his ex, Lexy, and as a matter of fact, she’s going to be in town for the weekend.
Little Jenny is re-arranging RuRu’s record collection at the Hump House because there’s nothing else for her to do (like go back to school) since her design career stalled. Nessa interrupts her. Jenny says she can’t figure out what happened with Nate and why a serious relationship never developed (those, of course, were not her exact words). Nessa just says gives her a rambling, “yeah, I wonder what happened”, sort of answer. Nessa gets a call from Nate and instead of saying it’s him she alludes to it being RuRu asking for help at the gallery. Out walks Nessa, in walks Penelope asking, no demanding, that Jenny make her a dress for the Snowflake Ball. Jenny says she’s expensive, Penny answers, “Better be”. Oh man, Penelope must be so rich if she can insist that someone charge her more money in order to make her feel better. Did I say rich, I meant dense.
Lily is organizing the ball. Her main squeeze RuRu shows up to do the sound for the biggest holiday party of the year. Lily tells him she hasn’t spoken to Bart since Thanksgiving, it’s cool though, they have all the time in the world to talk, or do they?!?!?! Lily asks if RuRu will be at the ball, he doesn’t know if he’ll go, chasing after his married ex-girlfriend/ love of his life at a high school dance is so cliché. But Lily asks him to save her a dance. Bart shows up after RuRu takes off. He NEEDS to talk to Lily.
BtG and D-Sack take a trip to the gallery where they meet Lexy. She’s criticizing the BOU’s work saying it looks like it’s from the Gap. She refers to the subject as “Blondie” and then realizes that BtG is standing right there. I went to college with a guy exactly like Lexy. He went so far as to say that anyone who does commercial art is a whore. If only he could see me now, happily designing things with Disney characters and writing recaps of Gossip Girl. Jealous? Thought so.
Nate is locking lips with the Loch Ness Monster on the street. He stops long enough to ask if she told Jenny about them. Nate thinks Little J blew him off since she didn’t respond to the letter that Nessa stole. A random girl takes their picture with her camera phone. If this were One Tree Hill I’d yell, “Call a press conference!”
Penny asks Jenny whatever happened with her and Nate and then tells her that she is going to ask Nate to the Snowflake Ball. Penny, please. They both get texts from Gossip Girl of Nate and Nessa canoodling!
Bart tells Lily that he hasn’t been a husband for a while, so he’s learning how to treat a wife all over again. He’s fired his private detectives, but that’s not enough for Lily. She was probably hoping he would fire the PIs AND suggest they pursue a poly-amorous relationship with RuRu. Bart says he’ll do anything to make it up to her. She wants him to accompany her to the ball.
BtG is offended by what Lexy said and surprise, surprise the BOU doesn’t know what she’s talking about. The BOU says, “She’s just an art douche, like that guy Skinny & Single went to college with”. No, but he says something that completely excuses Lexy’s behavior and undermines BtG feelings. Ugly AND insensitive, BtG hit the jackpot on this one. At the gallery’s café, Lexy is flirting with D-Sack by asking him if they serve poop coffee, she’s so worldly. He flirts back for some reason. Out of jealousy BtG asks the BOU, her boyfriend, to be her date for the ball, to get back at her ex-boyfriend for talking to her current boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. BtG must have the Chinese character for “maturity” tramp stamped on her lower back. In the meantime, D-Sack has offered to give Lexy a walking tour of BK.
Nessa has the nerve to show up at the Hump House and Jenny is livid! Nessa tells her she’s “sorry”. She probably nursed an injured squirrel back to health and then cut the ribbon at the opening of a new pediatric AIDS center on her way over to Jenny’s house so she thinks it is okay that she totally betrayed her friend. Nessie feeds her some bullshit about how she understands that Jenny is upset. This isn’t going to work on the new hardcore Jenny. She might have fallen for that excuse of an apology a few weeks ago, but she’s lived on the streets, been dicked over by a short and ugly model, almost divorced her parents and graduated from the school of hard knocks. Nessa better watch it. By the way, Jenny, Nessa is going to the ball with Nate.
Perfection is playing the piano and is doing a pretty good job (they should’ve had him playing the French horn, it would’ve added to his mystery), when Blair walks in. She’s still in a tizzy about who her date is going to be for a ball so big that we’ve only just heard of it now. They decide to play a little game. They will each choose a date for the other. If Blair chooses someone Perfection actually falls for then she gets his limo, I would’ve asked for his “limo”, for a month. If she falls for the date he chooses for her, then he gets Dorota for a month. WHAT?! This was actually Perfection’s idea! Could that be considered human trafficking, because it is really making me crave some brie.
The four dullest people in all of NYC are on a walking tour of BK. D-Sack confesses to all of them that he worries about what people will think of him, that’s why he never knocked on Norman Mailer’s door, even though he knew where he lived. Lexy is shocked to hear that the BOU is going to a ball with a blonde girl. So Lexy starts hinting that D-Sack should take her to the ball that she thinks is lame. It looks like two sets of exes are going to the same dance. Then the BOU casually tells BtG that Lexy likes to fuck on the first date in order to stick it to the man and break down stereotypes and all that. He adds that Lexy doesn’t date THAT many people. This show is so effing TAME!!!! And like every other asshole thing the BOU throws at BtG, she is so totally cool with this, no really, she is.
Bart confronts Perfection about giving the VD-Woodsens their secret files. Perf shows no remorse. What does Bart expect? He neglects him until just a few weeks ago and when his hot mess of a son follows in his footsteps he’s completely taken aback. I hope they both enjoyed that moment together, it’s sad that they didn’t take the opportunity to say “I love you”.
Little J delivers Penelope’s dress to her house where all the filler characters are hanging out. They don’t want J around because she’s friends with Nessa and Nessa is dating in their pond, and the thing about ponds is you only want your own kind in there, unless of course, they are designing party dresses for you; I guess can’t buy smarts. One of these back shelf characters bought a dress that turns out to be see-through. I hope she insisted the seamstress charge her at least 30% more than the dress was worth. They all decide to sabotage Nessa, Jenny included, by giving her the see-through dress and then shining a spotlight on her at the dance. And then at the sleepover after the dance, they’re going to freeze her bra and put one of her hands in a pan of cold water and her other hand in a pan of hot water!
Blair is very excited about her choice of a date for Perfection. BtG warns her that it’s not easy to see your ex with someone else. BtG wants to warn D-Sack about the sex coming his way, but doesn’t know how. Blair is shocked out of her gourd to find out that BtG and the BOU haven’t done it yet. She actually calls him BtG’s “hot” boyfriend. They threw that line in on purpose. B could’ve said she was shocked they haven’t had sex because he was dating a lot of people before or because he’s older. The writers are trying to put the idea in our heads that The Big Ole Ugly is attractive. Do not fall for this!
Nessa is surprised when Jenny pays her a visit. Jenny has brought a peace offering in the form of a see-through dress. Loch Ness gladly accepts it.
B is lecturing Dorota about her date picks for Perfection. Dorota has joined Facebook to find Perfection a date. And she didn’t come across me? B tells her Perf likes virgins, like Telly from KIDS. You’d think Dorota would try a little harder since if he likes the girl then she’ll get to be with him for a month.
D-Sack calls BtG to ask if the Sexy Lexy thing is cool. Ever the people pleaser, she lies and says it is. The Big Ole Ugly looks horrible even in his tux. BtG tells him that there’s something she wants to do really quick before they go. Desperate much?
Lily gets a call from Andrew Tyler, Bart’s PI, the one he said he fired. She leaves Bart a message telling him not to come to the ball. I think missing the Snowflake Ball will help Bart to learn his lesson about spying on family.
We’re at the ball and it’s lame! These people do not know how to dance, the music sucks and the dresses aren’t very pretty. Perfection meets his date. She’s Blair, except a few years younger. And Perf has picked out his own mini version of himself for Blair. The awkwardness continues when Lexy happily informs D-Sack that the BOU and BtG are going to engage in intercourse tonight. He’s disturbed by this and rightly so. Perfection and Blair are discussing their bootleg versions of each other and neither is willing to concede.
Lily runs into RuRu at the dance and tells him she’s leaving Bart. It has nothing to do with RuRu and she expects nothing from RuRu except a dance. Lexy and the BOU are dancing as BtG and D-Sack are standing around thinking about all the sex the other is going to have tonight. BtG finally informs D-Sack of Lexy’s plan to break down walls with him and he’s actually surprised, but not tuned off by it. BtG is pissed at his reaction because she thought sex meant something to him. He makes a joke and she leaves, upset.
Nessa asks Jenny what she’s doing at the ball. Um, Nessa, Jenny has more of a reason to be there than you do. Nessa tells her that she’s going to end things with Nate tonight. This makes Jenny feel guilty about the nakedness dress. Nessa returns to Nate and tells him that she’s never felt this way about anyone and then confesses that she stole the letter (but read to a group of senior citizens right after she did it). She turns to walk away and the Filler Girls turn the spotlight on her and it’s really not so bad. They all laugh, but J feels bad and Nate looks ticked. He is totally OVER this high school bullshit. He tells Jenny that Nessa didn’t deserve public humiliation. Nate tells J about the letter Nessa stole. He says he’s glad she didn’t get it because she’s not who he thought she was.
Perfection and Blair find their bootleg versions making out. The Bootlegs tell them they were on the roof, it was so beautiful. Perfection is proud…so did Bootleg Chuck rape Bootleg Blair up there? The only other roof happening in the history of this show is when Perf tried to rape Jenny in season 1. B is upset that even their cheap knock offs can make it work, but the two designer originals just can’t seem to get together.
Lily is still venting to RuRu about leaving Bart, she never thought her life would turn out the way it has. The poor thing, she never knew that marrying for money didn’t always pan out. RuRu tells her to smile and fake it, he let her go on her wedding day because he couldn’t give her what she needed. Notice he says “needed” not “deserved”. I love Lily, but she did this to herself. She had to have known the billionaire she was marrying was the sleazy kind. Perfection witnesses the entire conversation and calls Bart.
Bart is in the limo with his former PI, he’s not too happy to hear that Lily is with RuRu. But before Perfection called he was actually telling the PI that he no longer needed him. After the phone call he asks the PI what he found out about Lily. Lily runs into “Charles” and he angrily tells her that she was actually good for Bart. Perf goes on to say that he always liked her even if he never showed it. He’s making me sad, he doesn’t know how to show love. That’s why he can’t be with Blair and that’s why he’s an ass to Lily even though he likes her.
Nate catches Nessa getting into a cab and asks if she shouldn’t be taking the subway instead. Okay, he asks her if there’s anything else besides the letter. He says she’s the one he wants to be with. He kisses her and they leave together; Little J is watching from the shadows. Penny and the Fillers confront J about trying to warn Nessa. They call her pathetic, but she is quick to inform them that Nessa is tens times to person any of them will ever be. That’s a pretty big insult, in my opinion. Their comeback is something about it being easy for J to say that hiding out in the slums of NYC. J says, “We’ll just have to see about that,” or something like it. It looks like Jenny is going to go back to school out of spite. That’s the same way BtG picked Yale!
Back at the dance, they’re still playing bad music and Perfection asks Blair to dance. She says it’s not going to change them. Perfection says they have tonight, so shut up and dance with him. I’d like to point out that Perfection’s jacket is sequined.
Lily receives a restricted call on her cell. She’s shocked by whatever she’s hearing. Lexy and D-Sack are figuring out what to do next when BtG asks for a word alone with D-Sack. She apologizes and he says it’s not necessary. But she says she wanted to clear the air before he fucks that girl. He reassures her that the Christmas sex they had last year was meaningful and the greatest night of his life. It was the greatest night of her life too. Lily interrupts them with some real news, Bart has been in an accident!!!!!
I have to say this is a great cliffhanger…until the scenes for next week’s episode show everyone in black walking in what looks like a cemetery. I may be getting ahead of myself with this one…but I think Bart is dead. But I guess everyone could’ve been at a funeral for his private detective. Perfection looks all disheveled, his hair is, for the first time, not slicked back. The voice overs keep asking what exactly Perfection knows about Lily. There’s also something about him selling the story to the highest bidder and a shot of Lily slapping “Charles” across the face.
My predictions are Perfection will go crazy over the death of his only relative and seek revenge on the person he sees as being solely responsible for Bart’s death, Lily. He’ll go all Harry Osborn on us and Lily will become his Peter Parker/Spider-Man. I guess that makes RuRu their Mary Jane.
And maybe now this prayer, the last one of its kind
Won’t you please come get your baby, maybe
You’ll never guess what time it is, Senior Snowflake Charity Ball time!!!!! Blair is so pumped for this and Boring the Girl is so over it. Remember, she’s dating an older guy for his personality (definitely not his looks). She’s mature enough to overlook such things. Perfection interrupts them to shoot down all of Blair’s potential dates. She totally got served and ends up crossing off every guy she had on her list. I would’ve expected some sort of flow chart or bar graph from Blair, not a plain, ordinary list.
BtG runs into D-Sack in the hall at school and boredom ensues!! BtG shows him the rare book she bought for the Big Ole Ugly at a rare bookstore that D-Sack introduced her to. What? No sex as a gift this year? It looks like both D-Sack and BtG are going to the ball solo. BtG proudly informs us that the BOU is cool with her being friends with her ex because he’s friends with his ex, Lexy, and as a matter of fact, she’s going to be in town for the weekend.
Little Jenny is re-arranging RuRu’s record collection at the Hump House because there’s nothing else for her to do (like go back to school) since her design career stalled. Nessa interrupts her. Jenny says she can’t figure out what happened with Nate and why a serious relationship never developed (those, of course, were not her exact words). Nessa just says gives her a rambling, “yeah, I wonder what happened”, sort of answer. Nessa gets a call from Nate and instead of saying it’s him she alludes to it being RuRu asking for help at the gallery. Out walks Nessa, in walks Penelope asking, no demanding, that Jenny make her a dress for the Snowflake Ball. Jenny says she’s expensive, Penny answers, “Better be”. Oh man, Penelope must be so rich if she can insist that someone charge her more money in order to make her feel better. Did I say rich, I meant dense.
Lily is organizing the ball. Her main squeeze RuRu shows up to do the sound for the biggest holiday party of the year. Lily tells him she hasn’t spoken to Bart since Thanksgiving, it’s cool though, they have all the time in the world to talk, or do they?!?!?! Lily asks if RuRu will be at the ball, he doesn’t know if he’ll go, chasing after his married ex-girlfriend/ love of his life at a high school dance is so cliché. But Lily asks him to save her a dance. Bart shows up after RuRu takes off. He NEEDS to talk to Lily.
BtG and D-Sack take a trip to the gallery where they meet Lexy. She’s criticizing the BOU’s work saying it looks like it’s from the Gap. She refers to the subject as “Blondie” and then realizes that BtG is standing right there. I went to college with a guy exactly like Lexy. He went so far as to say that anyone who does commercial art is a whore. If only he could see me now, happily designing things with Disney characters and writing recaps of Gossip Girl. Jealous? Thought so.
Nate is locking lips with the Loch Ness Monster on the street. He stops long enough to ask if she told Jenny about them. Nate thinks Little J blew him off since she didn’t respond to the letter that Nessa stole. A random girl takes their picture with her camera phone. If this were One Tree Hill I’d yell, “Call a press conference!”
Penny asks Jenny whatever happened with her and Nate and then tells her that she is going to ask Nate to the Snowflake Ball. Penny, please. They both get texts from Gossip Girl of Nate and Nessa canoodling!
Bart tells Lily that he hasn’t been a husband for a while, so he’s learning how to treat a wife all over again. He’s fired his private detectives, but that’s not enough for Lily. She was probably hoping he would fire the PIs AND suggest they pursue a poly-amorous relationship with RuRu. Bart says he’ll do anything to make it up to her. She wants him to accompany her to the ball.
BtG is offended by what Lexy said and surprise, surprise the BOU doesn’t know what she’s talking about. The BOU says, “She’s just an art douche, like that guy Skinny & Single went to college with”. No, but he says something that completely excuses Lexy’s behavior and undermines BtG feelings. Ugly AND insensitive, BtG hit the jackpot on this one. At the gallery’s café, Lexy is flirting with D-Sack by asking him if they serve poop coffee, she’s so worldly. He flirts back for some reason. Out of jealousy BtG asks the BOU, her boyfriend, to be her date for the ball, to get back at her ex-boyfriend for talking to her current boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. BtG must have the Chinese character for “maturity” tramp stamped on her lower back. In the meantime, D-Sack has offered to give Lexy a walking tour of BK.
Nessa has the nerve to show up at the Hump House and Jenny is livid! Nessa tells her she’s “sorry”. She probably nursed an injured squirrel back to health and then cut the ribbon at the opening of a new pediatric AIDS center on her way over to Jenny’s house so she thinks it is okay that she totally betrayed her friend. Nessie feeds her some bullshit about how she understands that Jenny is upset. This isn’t going to work on the new hardcore Jenny. She might have fallen for that excuse of an apology a few weeks ago, but she’s lived on the streets, been dicked over by a short and ugly model, almost divorced her parents and graduated from the school of hard knocks. Nessa better watch it. By the way, Jenny, Nessa is going to the ball with Nate.
Perfection is playing the piano and is doing a pretty good job (they should’ve had him playing the French horn, it would’ve added to his mystery), when Blair walks in. She’s still in a tizzy about who her date is going to be for a ball so big that we’ve only just heard of it now. They decide to play a little game. They will each choose a date for the other. If Blair chooses someone Perfection actually falls for then she gets his limo, I would’ve asked for his “limo”, for a month. If she falls for the date he chooses for her, then he gets Dorota for a month. WHAT?! This was actually Perfection’s idea! Could that be considered human trafficking, because it is really making me crave some brie.
The four dullest people in all of NYC are on a walking tour of BK. D-Sack confesses to all of them that he worries about what people will think of him, that’s why he never knocked on Norman Mailer’s door, even though he knew where he lived. Lexy is shocked to hear that the BOU is going to a ball with a blonde girl. So Lexy starts hinting that D-Sack should take her to the ball that she thinks is lame. It looks like two sets of exes are going to the same dance. Then the BOU casually tells BtG that Lexy likes to fuck on the first date in order to stick it to the man and break down stereotypes and all that. He adds that Lexy doesn’t date THAT many people. This show is so effing TAME!!!! And like every other asshole thing the BOU throws at BtG, she is so totally cool with this, no really, she is.
Bart confronts Perfection about giving the VD-Woodsens their secret files. Perf shows no remorse. What does Bart expect? He neglects him until just a few weeks ago and when his hot mess of a son follows in his footsteps he’s completely taken aback. I hope they both enjoyed that moment together, it’s sad that they didn’t take the opportunity to say “I love you”.
Little J delivers Penelope’s dress to her house where all the filler characters are hanging out. They don’t want J around because she’s friends with Nessa and Nessa is dating in their pond, and the thing about ponds is you only want your own kind in there, unless of course, they are designing party dresses for you; I guess can’t buy smarts. One of these back shelf characters bought a dress that turns out to be see-through. I hope she insisted the seamstress charge her at least 30% more than the dress was worth. They all decide to sabotage Nessa, Jenny included, by giving her the see-through dress and then shining a spotlight on her at the dance. And then at the sleepover after the dance, they’re going to freeze her bra and put one of her hands in a pan of cold water and her other hand in a pan of hot water!
Blair is very excited about her choice of a date for Perfection. BtG warns her that it’s not easy to see your ex with someone else. BtG wants to warn D-Sack about the sex coming his way, but doesn’t know how. Blair is shocked out of her gourd to find out that BtG and the BOU haven’t done it yet. She actually calls him BtG’s “hot” boyfriend. They threw that line in on purpose. B could’ve said she was shocked they haven’t had sex because he was dating a lot of people before or because he’s older. The writers are trying to put the idea in our heads that The Big Ole Ugly is attractive. Do not fall for this!
Nessa is surprised when Jenny pays her a visit. Jenny has brought a peace offering in the form of a see-through dress. Loch Ness gladly accepts it.
B is lecturing Dorota about her date picks for Perfection. Dorota has joined Facebook to find Perfection a date. And she didn’t come across me? B tells her Perf likes virgins, like Telly from KIDS. You’d think Dorota would try a little harder since if he likes the girl then she’ll get to be with him for a month.
D-Sack calls BtG to ask if the Sexy Lexy thing is cool. Ever the people pleaser, she lies and says it is. The Big Ole Ugly looks horrible even in his tux. BtG tells him that there’s something she wants to do really quick before they go. Desperate much?
Lily gets a call from Andrew Tyler, Bart’s PI, the one he said he fired. She leaves Bart a message telling him not to come to the ball. I think missing the Snowflake Ball will help Bart to learn his lesson about spying on family.
We’re at the ball and it’s lame! These people do not know how to dance, the music sucks and the dresses aren’t very pretty. Perfection meets his date. She’s Blair, except a few years younger. And Perf has picked out his own mini version of himself for Blair. The awkwardness continues when Lexy happily informs D-Sack that the BOU and BtG are going to engage in intercourse tonight. He’s disturbed by this and rightly so. Perfection and Blair are discussing their bootleg versions of each other and neither is willing to concede.
Lily runs into RuRu at the dance and tells him she’s leaving Bart. It has nothing to do with RuRu and she expects nothing from RuRu except a dance. Lexy and the BOU are dancing as BtG and D-Sack are standing around thinking about all the sex the other is going to have tonight. BtG finally informs D-Sack of Lexy’s plan to break down walls with him and he’s actually surprised, but not tuned off by it. BtG is pissed at his reaction because she thought sex meant something to him. He makes a joke and she leaves, upset.
Nessa asks Jenny what she’s doing at the ball. Um, Nessa, Jenny has more of a reason to be there than you do. Nessa tells her that she’s going to end things with Nate tonight. This makes Jenny feel guilty about the nakedness dress. Nessa returns to Nate and tells him that she’s never felt this way about anyone and then confesses that she stole the letter (but read to a group of senior citizens right after she did it). She turns to walk away and the Filler Girls turn the spotlight on her and it’s really not so bad. They all laugh, but J feels bad and Nate looks ticked. He is totally OVER this high school bullshit. He tells Jenny that Nessa didn’t deserve public humiliation. Nate tells J about the letter Nessa stole. He says he’s glad she didn’t get it because she’s not who he thought she was.
Perfection and Blair find their bootleg versions making out. The Bootlegs tell them they were on the roof, it was so beautiful. Perfection is proud…so did Bootleg Chuck rape Bootleg Blair up there? The only other roof happening in the history of this show is when Perf tried to rape Jenny in season 1. B is upset that even their cheap knock offs can make it work, but the two designer originals just can’t seem to get together.
Lily is still venting to RuRu about leaving Bart, she never thought her life would turn out the way it has. The poor thing, she never knew that marrying for money didn’t always pan out. RuRu tells her to smile and fake it, he let her go on her wedding day because he couldn’t give her what she needed. Notice he says “needed” not “deserved”. I love Lily, but she did this to herself. She had to have known the billionaire she was marrying was the sleazy kind. Perfection witnesses the entire conversation and calls Bart.
Bart is in the limo with his former PI, he’s not too happy to hear that Lily is with RuRu. But before Perfection called he was actually telling the PI that he no longer needed him. After the phone call he asks the PI what he found out about Lily. Lily runs into “Charles” and he angrily tells her that she was actually good for Bart. Perf goes on to say that he always liked her even if he never showed it. He’s making me sad, he doesn’t know how to show love. That’s why he can’t be with Blair and that’s why he’s an ass to Lily even though he likes her.
Nate catches Nessa getting into a cab and asks if she shouldn’t be taking the subway instead. Okay, he asks her if there’s anything else besides the letter. He says she’s the one he wants to be with. He kisses her and they leave together; Little J is watching from the shadows. Penny and the Fillers confront J about trying to warn Nessa. They call her pathetic, but she is quick to inform them that Nessa is tens times to person any of them will ever be. That’s a pretty big insult, in my opinion. Their comeback is something about it being easy for J to say that hiding out in the slums of NYC. J says, “We’ll just have to see about that,” or something like it. It looks like Jenny is going to go back to school out of spite. That’s the same way BtG picked Yale!
Back at the dance, they’re still playing bad music and Perfection asks Blair to dance. She says it’s not going to change them. Perfection says they have tonight, so shut up and dance with him. I’d like to point out that Perfection’s jacket is sequined.
Lily receives a restricted call on her cell. She’s shocked by whatever she’s hearing. Lexy and D-Sack are figuring out what to do next when BtG asks for a word alone with D-Sack. She apologizes and he says it’s not necessary. But she says she wanted to clear the air before he fucks that girl. He reassures her that the Christmas sex they had last year was meaningful and the greatest night of his life. It was the greatest night of her life too. Lily interrupts them with some real news, Bart has been in an accident!!!!!
I have to say this is a great cliffhanger…until the scenes for next week’s episode show everyone in black walking in what looks like a cemetery. I may be getting ahead of myself with this one…but I think Bart is dead. But I guess everyone could’ve been at a funeral for his private detective. Perfection looks all disheveled, his hair is, for the first time, not slicked back. The voice overs keep asking what exactly Perfection knows about Lily. There’s also something about him selling the story to the highest bidder and a shot of Lily slapping “Charles” across the face.
My predictions are Perfection will go crazy over the death of his only relative and seek revenge on the person he sees as being solely responsible for Bart’s death, Lily. He’ll go all Harry Osborn on us and Lily will become his Peter Parker/Spider-Man. I guess that makes RuRu their Mary Jane.
And maybe now this prayer, the last one of its kind
Won’t you please come get your baby, maybe
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over. Will it be yes or will it be Thanksgiving?
This episode takes place in the future, November 27, 2008, to be exact. Boring the Girl is dating Aaron the artistic bigamist and D-Sack is looking for Jenny. Little Jenny Humphrey hasn’t been home for ten days! D-Sack runs into Nate on the street and Nate points out that it’s been awhile. “Yeah, not long enough,” said D-Sack, so witty, that one. Nate then runs into Perfection on the same street. And Perfection reveals that he has been reading my blog when he tells Nate he heard he had been “slumming”; meaning living in BK. Same birthday and now he reads my blog. This has been the best week ever!
Nessa and D-Sack are at the Hump House and D-Sack invites her to Thanksgiving. She says she’s not ready to see Jenny yet. Nessa, please, you don’t matter! She’s referring to Jenny “stealing” her man, Nate Archibald. Um, Jenny didn’t steal him, Loch Ness, you drove him away when you RUINED EVERYTHING!! (see blog entry titled “The ‘Real’ Serena: That’s Not Real to Me).
Lily and Bart arrive home after a long vacation to find that Little J has been squatting at the House of Bass. Lily calls RuRu to tell him. You totally know Lily was thinking, “OMG, RuRu’s daughter ran away to my house. I’m so getting a piece from him tonight!”
Nate’s Puritan-looking mother has a Thanksgiving miracle/surprise for him, the Captain is back! And Nate’s not so sure about it. The man who caused our world economic crisis wants to take Nate and his mom to the Dominican Republic. Just like that, and he can’t see why Nate is hesitant. The Captain tells Nate and the Puritan that if they go, surely her parents will help them out.
Eric is surprised to find that Lily and Bart are home early. He tells Jenny to stay away for a while. Bart happily informs Eric that his boyfriend, Jonathan, is cheating on him. Perfection reminds Eric that all the Basses have PIs on retainer, where have you been, stepbrother?
Aaron is spending Thanksgiving with BtG. He tells her he’s a sober-one-boring-girl-guy now. BtG looks totally freaked out by this announcement, like she’s never heard of sobriety. And Yale is fast-tracking her? Idiots! My hatred for him is growing exponentially as is his ugliness. He looks like he’s a perpetrator from an Unsolved Mysteries re-enactment. He’s the guy lurking around the corner waiting to throw someone in his kidnap van. Who casts this show? Seriously!
Blair is pissed because her favorite holiday is being ruined by Inconceivable and his restaurant Thanksgiving?! That’s what I’m doing, Blair, and it’s gonna be awesome! The Clone of Rosario rubs a little salt into the wound when she shows B the engagement ring Cyrus was going to give Elle.
Lily gives Jenny a heart to heart about family and love and being married to Dick Cheney. Okay, she doesn’t bring up her douche of a husband, but I’m sure Lily thinks it’s a treat to get to sing RuRu’s praises because she LOVES him. Jenny thanks her for getting off talking about her dad and then goes to bed. Since she’s about as smart as BtG, she leaves her emancipation papers in plain view and Lily finds them. Again, Lily is about to explode because she totally has to call RuRu about this one.
RuRu and D-Sack run into Aaron the Big ‘Ole Ugly at the grocery store. D-Sack asks the BOU to say hello to the VD-Woodsens, ‘cause, um, he knows them, yeah, he does, and as a matter of fact he spent Thanksgiving with them last year, so um, the BOU hasn’t got shit on him…and BtG is complicated. The BOU doesn’t think BtG is complicated and when D-Sack suggests bringing her a bottle of wine, BOU informs him that BtG doesn’t drink. If D-Sack had been drinking something he would’ve sprayed it in the BOU’s face. He should’ve said, “I bet she told you she’s smart too, huh? You’re in for a real treat come Christmastime.” D-Sack then tells BOU to ask BtG about Georgina!
B confronts Elle about the big surprise that’s coming at dinner and Elle doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I’m growing tired of this Waldorf-Inconceivable storyline. We get it, Blair doesn’t like her mom’s boyfriend. She will continue to try and sabotage him and he will continue to try to win B over. I think I’ll just write that from now on. My suggestion, bring back the seating chart!
Nate goes to RuRu’s gallery to return some CDs he borrowed and he runs into Loch Ness. Nate goes on about how’s he’s alienated just about everyone he knows. Nessa is all snooty about the Jenny thing. Let it go, NESSA! You never had Nate in the first place. Nate informs her that he hasn’t spoken to Jenny in weeks. As they’re parting ways Nate tells Nessa to take care of herself, I’ll say!
Back at the House of Bass BtG begs Perfection not to mention her slut/drunk past in front of the Big ‘Ole Ugly. Perf gives her his word and then adds, “whatever that’s worth”. I love him so much. The BOU finally arrives and asks BtG about this “Georgina” girl and she goes off on how D-Sack is obsessed and crazy, pot meet kettle.
Lily “reluctantly” calls RuRu about Jenny’s emancipation papers and tells him get the hell over to her house because she is hot, I mean, serious. RuRu and D-Sack run out on Nessa leaving her alone on Thanksgiving. As she stands alone on the street she is approached by an FBI agent.
Perfection shows Eric a safe with gold bars in it and files on all VD-Woodsens. Nessa calls Perf to get help for Nate. He says he doesn’t care but decides to slum it on Thanksgiving.
Eric finds a ton of stuff Stepfather Cheney has found on him, emails, phone calls, where he goes when he leaves the house, you name it. RuRu and D-Sack show up at the Bass House. The Big ‘Ole Ugly calls him out on lying, and though he didn’t, D-Sack apologizes. After excusing herself and D-Sack, BtG informs him that the BOU knows nothing about her past.
Nessa, an FBI agent and Perfection hold an intervention for Nate to tell him that his dad came back to commit extortion and kidnapping. The Captain plans to pretty much hold Nate and Mother Puritan for ransom hoping that her Vanderbilt parents will pay big bucks to get them back. If Nate turns his father in, all is good. As if Perfection would ever agree to a sit down with a Fed. I’m sure they’re investigating him for something
RuRu and Carol Brady (well, you should see Jenny’s hair in this episode) talk and he says he loves her, but can’t hold her back. She leaves anyway and he looks defeated. Lily confronts Dick Cheney-Bass about their files. She’s pissed that he followed her kids, not that he followed her, but that he followed her kids.
Nate goes to confront his father about his little kidnapping scheme. The Captain admits it but says some of the money would’ve been for Nate and his mom, well in that case. Nate tells him he has to turn himself in because Nate’s had enough. This totally reminds me of that episode of Dawson’s Creek where Joey Potter wears a wire and gets her deadbeat dad to admit to cocaine trafficking. I was so waiting for Nate to lift up his shirt to reveal a wire, but they didn’t go the Dawson’s route, should’ve. Or what would’ve been even better, after the Captain confesses to his crimes, Perfection steps out of a back room and tears off his shirt to reveal a wire. That’s Emmy winning material right there. The Feds arrive and take Mr. Archibald away. But the stock market is still dropping…I thought this would solve everything.
Eric confesses to Lily that he read her file. Apparently, she was institutionalized when she was around Eric’s age. He says he’s not mad, but that he’d like to talk to her about it when she’s ready. She asks how he got to be so mature. He tells her he had a good nanny. Oh snap! This kid is witty and hits below the belt, why don’t they make his part bigger? I also think they should play up his Max Fischer/Dirk from Rushmore relationship with Perfection. It seems like it could go that way, but it’s just not getting there fast enough. Lily suggests they leave the diner they’re at and have a real Thanksgiving.
BtG goes to B’s house to give the BOU her file to read. By the way, the BOU is Inconceivable’s son. B isn’t there, she went to go pout with Rosario 2.0. In the end the BOU refuses to read the file. He'll regret that one later after she kills him!
Carol Brady is wandering in the cold when she runs into B and Rosie. B tells her that RuRu is awesome and really loves her. Elle gives in to B and comes to find her. B says she’ll only go home if Jenny does too. Elle must’ve gotten so much satisfaction from seeing the girl who quit her wandering the streets.
Nessa and Perf go to see if Nate is okay. Perf gives Nate and Nessa some time alone. Nate says he hasn’t heard from Jenny in weeks, it meant nothing. Perfection was probably standing on the sidelines thinking, “You mean Nessa means nothing.” Then Perf and Nate go drinking in the limo and all is well.
Nessa shows up to the Hump House and Eric and Lily are there, sans Bart. Little Carol Brady rips up the e-papers and the Humps hug. It’s sweet. And Jenny is no longer a designer, at least that’s the conclusion I think we’re supposed to come to because Jenny is no longer wearing any eyeliner. Nessa and J have a heart to heart about Nate. Stupid Nessa, this conversation isn’t even necessary! No one in this little threesome was ever really together, high schoolers. J says she hasn’t heard from him in weeks. While they’re making dinner Nessa sees an old letter Nate sent Jenny (she has a stack of unread mail since she was gone so long). Nessa steals it and reads it. In the letter Nate tells Jenny that he really cares about her and he just wanted her to know that. Bitch! This is a perfect example of how Loch Ness and D-Sack work. They think they’re doing God’s work in every single thing they do. Then when it comes time to do the right thing they justify doing the opposite because they do good things all the time. I’m sure while Nessa was betraying her friend she was totally thinking, “I tried to save a dive bar in BK, I’m allowed a felony here and there.”
The episode ends with Dick Cheney-Bass calling his private eye to ask specifically why Lily was locked up all those years ago. So you’re telling me his PI told him his wife was institutionalized and he never bothered to ask why until now? Perfection is the only logical, sane guy on this show.
In the scenes for next week we hear the words, “There’s been an accident…” Please let it be the Big ‘ole Ugly, please! I can’t take him anymore. BtG probably kills him with Georgina's tainted coke!!! Okay, that's my official prediction. He should've read her file.
Nessa and D-Sack are at the Hump House and D-Sack invites her to Thanksgiving. She says she’s not ready to see Jenny yet. Nessa, please, you don’t matter! She’s referring to Jenny “stealing” her man, Nate Archibald. Um, Jenny didn’t steal him, Loch Ness, you drove him away when you RUINED EVERYTHING!! (see blog entry titled “The ‘Real’ Serena: That’s Not Real to Me).
Lily and Bart arrive home after a long vacation to find that Little J has been squatting at the House of Bass. Lily calls RuRu to tell him. You totally know Lily was thinking, “OMG, RuRu’s daughter ran away to my house. I’m so getting a piece from him tonight!”
Nate’s Puritan-looking mother has a Thanksgiving miracle/surprise for him, the Captain is back! And Nate’s not so sure about it. The man who caused our world economic crisis wants to take Nate and his mom to the Dominican Republic. Just like that, and he can’t see why Nate is hesitant. The Captain tells Nate and the Puritan that if they go, surely her parents will help them out.
Eric is surprised to find that Lily and Bart are home early. He tells Jenny to stay away for a while. Bart happily informs Eric that his boyfriend, Jonathan, is cheating on him. Perfection reminds Eric that all the Basses have PIs on retainer, where have you been, stepbrother?
Aaron is spending Thanksgiving with BtG. He tells her he’s a sober-one-boring-girl-guy now. BtG looks totally freaked out by this announcement, like she’s never heard of sobriety. And Yale is fast-tracking her? Idiots! My hatred for him is growing exponentially as is his ugliness. He looks like he’s a perpetrator from an Unsolved Mysteries re-enactment. He’s the guy lurking around the corner waiting to throw someone in his kidnap van. Who casts this show? Seriously!
Blair is pissed because her favorite holiday is being ruined by Inconceivable and his restaurant Thanksgiving?! That’s what I’m doing, Blair, and it’s gonna be awesome! The Clone of Rosario rubs a little salt into the wound when she shows B the engagement ring Cyrus was going to give Elle.
Lily gives Jenny a heart to heart about family and love and being married to Dick Cheney. Okay, she doesn’t bring up her douche of a husband, but I’m sure Lily thinks it’s a treat to get to sing RuRu’s praises because she LOVES him. Jenny thanks her for getting off talking about her dad and then goes to bed. Since she’s about as smart as BtG, she leaves her emancipation papers in plain view and Lily finds them. Again, Lily is about to explode because she totally has to call RuRu about this one.
RuRu and D-Sack run into Aaron the Big ‘Ole Ugly at the grocery store. D-Sack asks the BOU to say hello to the VD-Woodsens, ‘cause, um, he knows them, yeah, he does, and as a matter of fact he spent Thanksgiving with them last year, so um, the BOU hasn’t got shit on him…and BtG is complicated. The BOU doesn’t think BtG is complicated and when D-Sack suggests bringing her a bottle of wine, BOU informs him that BtG doesn’t drink. If D-Sack had been drinking something he would’ve sprayed it in the BOU’s face. He should’ve said, “I bet she told you she’s smart too, huh? You’re in for a real treat come Christmastime.” D-Sack then tells BOU to ask BtG about Georgina!
B confronts Elle about the big surprise that’s coming at dinner and Elle doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I’m growing tired of this Waldorf-Inconceivable storyline. We get it, Blair doesn’t like her mom’s boyfriend. She will continue to try and sabotage him and he will continue to try to win B over. I think I’ll just write that from now on. My suggestion, bring back the seating chart!
Nate goes to RuRu’s gallery to return some CDs he borrowed and he runs into Loch Ness. Nate goes on about how’s he’s alienated just about everyone he knows. Nessa is all snooty about the Jenny thing. Let it go, NESSA! You never had Nate in the first place. Nate informs her that he hasn’t spoken to Jenny in weeks. As they’re parting ways Nate tells Nessa to take care of herself, I’ll say!
Back at the House of Bass BtG begs Perfection not to mention her slut/drunk past in front of the Big ‘Ole Ugly. Perf gives her his word and then adds, “whatever that’s worth”. I love him so much. The BOU finally arrives and asks BtG about this “Georgina” girl and she goes off on how D-Sack is obsessed and crazy, pot meet kettle.
Lily “reluctantly” calls RuRu about Jenny’s emancipation papers and tells him get the hell over to her house because she is hot, I mean, serious. RuRu and D-Sack run out on Nessa leaving her alone on Thanksgiving. As she stands alone on the street she is approached by an FBI agent.
Perfection shows Eric a safe with gold bars in it and files on all VD-Woodsens. Nessa calls Perf to get help for Nate. He says he doesn’t care but decides to slum it on Thanksgiving.
Eric finds a ton of stuff Stepfather Cheney has found on him, emails, phone calls, where he goes when he leaves the house, you name it. RuRu and D-Sack show up at the Bass House. The Big ‘Ole Ugly calls him out on lying, and though he didn’t, D-Sack apologizes. After excusing herself and D-Sack, BtG informs him that the BOU knows nothing about her past.
Nessa, an FBI agent and Perfection hold an intervention for Nate to tell him that his dad came back to commit extortion and kidnapping. The Captain plans to pretty much hold Nate and Mother Puritan for ransom hoping that her Vanderbilt parents will pay big bucks to get them back. If Nate turns his father in, all is good. As if Perfection would ever agree to a sit down with a Fed. I’m sure they’re investigating him for something
RuRu and Carol Brady (well, you should see Jenny’s hair in this episode) talk and he says he loves her, but can’t hold her back. She leaves anyway and he looks defeated. Lily confronts Dick Cheney-Bass about their files. She’s pissed that he followed her kids, not that he followed her, but that he followed her kids.
Nate goes to confront his father about his little kidnapping scheme. The Captain admits it but says some of the money would’ve been for Nate and his mom, well in that case. Nate tells him he has to turn himself in because Nate’s had enough. This totally reminds me of that episode of Dawson’s Creek where Joey Potter wears a wire and gets her deadbeat dad to admit to cocaine trafficking. I was so waiting for Nate to lift up his shirt to reveal a wire, but they didn’t go the Dawson’s route, should’ve. Or what would’ve been even better, after the Captain confesses to his crimes, Perfection steps out of a back room and tears off his shirt to reveal a wire. That’s Emmy winning material right there. The Feds arrive and take Mr. Archibald away. But the stock market is still dropping…I thought this would solve everything.
Eric confesses to Lily that he read her file. Apparently, she was institutionalized when she was around Eric’s age. He says he’s not mad, but that he’d like to talk to her about it when she’s ready. She asks how he got to be so mature. He tells her he had a good nanny. Oh snap! This kid is witty and hits below the belt, why don’t they make his part bigger? I also think they should play up his Max Fischer/Dirk from Rushmore relationship with Perfection. It seems like it could go that way, but it’s just not getting there fast enough. Lily suggests they leave the diner they’re at and have a real Thanksgiving.
BtG goes to B’s house to give the BOU her file to read. By the way, the BOU is Inconceivable’s son. B isn’t there, she went to go pout with Rosario 2.0. In the end the BOU refuses to read the file. He'll regret that one later after she kills him!
Carol Brady is wandering in the cold when she runs into B and Rosie. B tells her that RuRu is awesome and really loves her. Elle gives in to B and comes to find her. B says she’ll only go home if Jenny does too. Elle must’ve gotten so much satisfaction from seeing the girl who quit her wandering the streets.
Nessa and Perf go to see if Nate is okay. Perf gives Nate and Nessa some time alone. Nate says he hasn’t heard from Jenny in weeks, it meant nothing. Perfection was probably standing on the sidelines thinking, “You mean Nessa means nothing.” Then Perf and Nate go drinking in the limo and all is well.
Nessa shows up to the Hump House and Eric and Lily are there, sans Bart. Little Carol Brady rips up the e-papers and the Humps hug. It’s sweet. And Jenny is no longer a designer, at least that’s the conclusion I think we’re supposed to come to because Jenny is no longer wearing any eyeliner. Nessa and J have a heart to heart about Nate. Stupid Nessa, this conversation isn’t even necessary! No one in this little threesome was ever really together, high schoolers. J says she hasn’t heard from him in weeks. While they’re making dinner Nessa sees an old letter Nate sent Jenny (she has a stack of unread mail since she was gone so long). Nessa steals it and reads it. In the letter Nate tells Jenny that he really cares about her and he just wanted her to know that. Bitch! This is a perfect example of how Loch Ness and D-Sack work. They think they’re doing God’s work in every single thing they do. Then when it comes time to do the right thing they justify doing the opposite because they do good things all the time. I’m sure while Nessa was betraying her friend she was totally thinking, “I tried to save a dive bar in BK, I’m allowed a felony here and there.”
The episode ends with Dick Cheney-Bass calling his private eye to ask specifically why Lily was locked up all those years ago. So you’re telling me his PI told him his wife was institutionalized and he never bothered to ask why until now? Perfection is the only logical, sane guy on this show.
In the scenes for next week we hear the words, “There’s been an accident…” Please let it be the Big ‘ole Ugly, please! I can’t take him anymore. BtG probably kills him with Georgina's tainted coke!!! Okay, that's my official prediction. He should've read her file.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Chuck Bass and I Have the Same Birthday?! Inconceivable!
So I haven't written in a few weeks but I have a good reason for my absence. Gossip Girl got way too hot. After a few weeks of cold showers and a shopping trip to Mercer Street, I'm back and better than ever.
Here's what has happened. Blair and Perfection almost do it, like, five times. They play with Loch Ness' emotions as if she's not even a real person (I loved it!). They get all breathy and hot, Perfection almost tells B he loves her, she almost says it to him and then Perf states the obvious: They're Chuck and Blair, only capable of cat and mouse sex games and that's how it will always be. He's so right, but he says maybe they can be more in the future. No Perfection! High school is all you have!
Boring the Girl is dating the ugliest guy ever! He's this artist who seems to be screwing every girl in NYC and he uses BtG and since she's stupid she falls for his ugliness. He is so hideous that I have a physical reaction to him every time he comes on screen. His hair looks like a horrible wig, he has a narrow butt chin and a weaselly, little mouth. He speaks like he's intimidated by everything, but he's this perceptive artist. I really wonder if this is part of the show, like if they will acknowledge how ugly he is in a future episode. It has to be part of the show. BtG "grows up" and decides she can date a guy who is dating the rest of the world.
Boring the Boy became best friends with Nate after he found out that Nate was squatting in his family's foreclosed townhouse. Nate moves in with D.Humps (he's not Boring anymore, but he's still a D-Sack and knows it) in BK and totally puts the moves on a very willing Jenny. D.Humps flips out because I guess this is the worst thing he can imagine happening to his sister and he totally goes off on Nate for it. But Hypocrite Humps has no problem going on dates with Perfection, aka the guy who tried to rape his sister on a rooftop, because he could get a good story out of it. IDIOT! He deserves the worst things and if any of you think otherwise it's because you're totally falling for his self-righteous bullshit disguised as "I'm just a poor kid from Brooklyn trying to do the right thing" act. So D.Humps gets a job writing an expose about Bart Bass for New York Magazine. Note to self, I need to send NY Magazine a sample of my work and start my professional writing career. I mean, if they'll hire a 17-year-old to write an expose they'd have to hire me.
D.Humps gets his juicy story on Bart Bass. Back in the 80s one of Bart's failed condo deals burned down and a guy died. Bart wrote it off for the insurance money and launched his empire. Accident? Probably, but D.Humps totally eats it up and writes the story. Perfection realizes what D.Humps is doing calls him out on it in front of Bart, who I forgot to mention, started dating D.Humps in the beginning of the newest episode. Perf begs, no threatens, D.Humps if he publishes the story. Perf says he'll destroy him. What that specifically entails is beyond me, but I can only imagine it's HORRIBLE. Since D.Humps is the moral authority on this show he instead sends Bart his original short story about Perfection titled "5.19.91", the day Perfection killed his mom. After reading it, Bart apologizes to his son for giving him the impression that he hates him and invites him to a hockey game. Aww. This is actually a very heart-warming scene. I also feel a lot closer to Perfection since he and I share a birthday. We were both born in the only month worth being born in and I'm exactly ten years older than him. Looks like I'm the Cougar and he's my Marcus.
Jenny has gone from being a lowly intern to a girl who wears way too much black eyeliner. In other words, she leaves Eleanor's atelier at the urging of an ugly, short, young model to start her own line with the ugly, short model as her coked up business partner. They stage a guerrilla fashion show during an awards function for Lily and Bart. Jenny moves out of the Hump House and moves in with Agnes the Unfortunate Looking Model. They try to get an agent but they fight during the meetings. Agnes goes off the deep end and torches Jenny's designs. Well, you know what they say "You should never trust an ugly, short model". How unrealistic is this girl as a model? She's shorter then Taylor Momsen who is only 5'7" tall at the most, I looked it up. In the end Jenny is thinking of emancipating herself from RuRu and her mom so she can start her own business. This is such a great idea since Jenny makes such sound decisions. She'll be on heroin before the season is over. I mean, she already has the eyeliner that will run perfectly down her tear streaked cheeks when she's begging on the streets. Well done, Little Jenny, you're sure gonna show them.
B is totally in love with the idea of her mother's new boyfriend Cy until she meets him in person and sees that he's that guy from The Princess Bride who always says "inconceivable!". I guess he's not up to her standards. He tells her that he cheated on his first wife with the love of his life who ended up dying. It was a really heartfelt conversation, but B tells her mom that he cheated on his first wife and left out all the details. Elle dumps him at B's 18 birthday party. But what is this? Cyndi Lauper shows up at B's party because Cy bought out her concert and told her to come to the party. Cyndi is B and Elle's favorite, okay and "Inconceivable" wasn't good enough for her mom? Back in the day B and Elle used to dance around to Girls Just Want to Have Fun. But I thought Elle wasn't really there for B. I'd really like to have a talk with the writers of GG because their writing is very inconsistant. Elle and Inconceivable get back together and he's going to move in with them. B isn't happy, but when is she?
So in the end of this week's episode, D.Humps is a douchebag disguising himself as a saint, Perfection finally has a dad, Jenny is homeless and humbled, BtG is still stupid and a waste of natural resources and B is scheming, but she's targeting the wrong guy. Nate was nowhere to be seen, he was probably waiting in line for food stamps. This is a recession you know.
Here's what has happened. Blair and Perfection almost do it, like, five times. They play with Loch Ness' emotions as if she's not even a real person (I loved it!). They get all breathy and hot, Perfection almost tells B he loves her, she almost says it to him and then Perf states the obvious: They're Chuck and Blair, only capable of cat and mouse sex games and that's how it will always be. He's so right, but he says maybe they can be more in the future. No Perfection! High school is all you have!
Boring the Girl is dating the ugliest guy ever! He's this artist who seems to be screwing every girl in NYC and he uses BtG and since she's stupid she falls for his ugliness. He is so hideous that I have a physical reaction to him every time he comes on screen. His hair looks like a horrible wig, he has a narrow butt chin and a weaselly, little mouth. He speaks like he's intimidated by everything, but he's this perceptive artist. I really wonder if this is part of the show, like if they will acknowledge how ugly he is in a future episode. It has to be part of the show. BtG "grows up" and decides she can date a guy who is dating the rest of the world.
Boring the Boy became best friends with Nate after he found out that Nate was squatting in his family's foreclosed townhouse. Nate moves in with D.Humps (he's not Boring anymore, but he's still a D-Sack and knows it) in BK and totally puts the moves on a very willing Jenny. D.Humps flips out because I guess this is the worst thing he can imagine happening to his sister and he totally goes off on Nate for it. But Hypocrite Humps has no problem going on dates with Perfection, aka the guy who tried to rape his sister on a rooftop, because he could get a good story out of it. IDIOT! He deserves the worst things and if any of you think otherwise it's because you're totally falling for his self-righteous bullshit disguised as "I'm just a poor kid from Brooklyn trying to do the right thing" act. So D.Humps gets a job writing an expose about Bart Bass for New York Magazine. Note to self, I need to send NY Magazine a sample of my work and start my professional writing career. I mean, if they'll hire a 17-year-old to write an expose they'd have to hire me.
D.Humps gets his juicy story on Bart Bass. Back in the 80s one of Bart's failed condo deals burned down and a guy died. Bart wrote it off for the insurance money and launched his empire. Accident? Probably, but D.Humps totally eats it up and writes the story. Perfection realizes what D.Humps is doing calls him out on it in front of Bart, who I forgot to mention, started dating D.Humps in the beginning of the newest episode. Perf begs, no threatens, D.Humps if he publishes the story. Perf says he'll destroy him. What that specifically entails is beyond me, but I can only imagine it's HORRIBLE. Since D.Humps is the moral authority on this show he instead sends Bart his original short story about Perfection titled "5.19.91", the day Perfection killed his mom. After reading it, Bart apologizes to his son for giving him the impression that he hates him and invites him to a hockey game. Aww. This is actually a very heart-warming scene. I also feel a lot closer to Perfection since he and I share a birthday. We were both born in the only month worth being born in and I'm exactly ten years older than him. Looks like I'm the Cougar and he's my Marcus.
Jenny has gone from being a lowly intern to a girl who wears way too much black eyeliner. In other words, she leaves Eleanor's atelier at the urging of an ugly, short, young model to start her own line with the ugly, short model as her coked up business partner. They stage a guerrilla fashion show during an awards function for Lily and Bart. Jenny moves out of the Hump House and moves in with Agnes the Unfortunate Looking Model. They try to get an agent but they fight during the meetings. Agnes goes off the deep end and torches Jenny's designs. Well, you know what they say "You should never trust an ugly, short model". How unrealistic is this girl as a model? She's shorter then Taylor Momsen who is only 5'7" tall at the most, I looked it up. In the end Jenny is thinking of emancipating herself from RuRu and her mom so she can start her own business. This is such a great idea since Jenny makes such sound decisions. She'll be on heroin before the season is over. I mean, she already has the eyeliner that will run perfectly down her tear streaked cheeks when she's begging on the streets. Well done, Little Jenny, you're sure gonna show them.
B is totally in love with the idea of her mother's new boyfriend Cy until she meets him in person and sees that he's that guy from The Princess Bride who always says "inconceivable!". I guess he's not up to her standards. He tells her that he cheated on his first wife with the love of his life who ended up dying. It was a really heartfelt conversation, but B tells her mom that he cheated on his first wife and left out all the details. Elle dumps him at B's 18 birthday party. But what is this? Cyndi Lauper shows up at B's party because Cy bought out her concert and told her to come to the party. Cyndi is B and Elle's favorite, okay and "Inconceivable" wasn't good enough for her mom? Back in the day B and Elle used to dance around to Girls Just Want to Have Fun. But I thought Elle wasn't really there for B. I'd really like to have a talk with the writers of GG because their writing is very inconsistant. Elle and Inconceivable get back together and he's going to move in with them. B isn't happy, but when is she?
So in the end of this week's episode, D.Humps is a douchebag disguising himself as a saint, Perfection finally has a dad, Jenny is homeless and humbled, BtG is still stupid and a waste of natural resources and B is scheming, but she's targeting the wrong guy. Nate was nowhere to be seen, he was probably waiting in line for food stamps. This is a recession you know.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Secrets and boobs. What are two things of Serena's that are spilling out?
The show opens with a dream sequence from the Olden Days. Blair is Eliza Doolittle and can't seem to pronounce “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain”. Plain? Cue Boring the Girl. She steps in to say it without sounding like a British hillbilly. Blair frantically wakes up and her housekeeper Dorota is there to comfort her. She asks if Blair is ready for her trip to Yale and she assures her that she’s not only as good as in, but that she’s also going to be handpicked to attend a secret gathering at the dean’s house. This scene has made me realize what I love about Blair…she’s Karen Walker from Will & Grace in training and Dorota is her Rosario. B just needs to raise the pitch of her voice and start popping pills and the transformation will be complete. B is extremely ticked when Dorota shows her that Boring the Girl is featured on Page Six.
At the House of Bass, Lily is trying to convince BtG to try Yale since every other character on the show is going there and it would be a lot easier for the show’s writers if she went there too. Actually, she’s received a handwritten letter from the dean of admissions. BtG thinks she’s more of a Brown kind of girl since she’s all bohemian because she wears her hair in loose, wavy curls and always layers her clothes. I guess Yale is for people with straight dark hair who wear headbands and cardigans. And get this, BtG’s “It”-ness has grown exponentially since last episode. Designers are sending her their clothes to wear and Marc Jacobs has named a handbag after her. I’m guessing it’s either called the Boring Bag or the Murderess Clutch, maybe even the Hobo Killer.
Meanwhile at the Marcy Projects, Boring the Boy is talking to RuRu about his love for Yale. He’s worried that he won’t get in since he’s pretty much social trash. RuRu tells him to be himself and that Yale will love him even though no one else does.
Perfection and Nate “Lehman Brothers” Archibald are preparing for their trip to Yale just like everyone else. Perf is looking forward to meeting some “horny women’s studies majors” that he can bed. Does that make any sense? Aren’t women’s studies majors stereotypically lesbians? But I guess if anyone can turn someone, it’s Chuck Bass. Strike what I just said, it makes perfect sense. Nate just wants to go to USC because he such a down to earth guy. Perfection is going to choose his university based on secret societies. Since Yale has the crème de la crème, Skull and Bones, the choice is simple.
There’s definite awkwardness between Perfection and BtB. They obviously haven’t talked about why they broke up, but that’s BtB M.O. I’m sure they’re going to get back together and it’ll end again, just like with BtG. Perf makes BtB sound worthless and they go on their merry way. Blair and BtG get into it when B tells BtG that her school choice sucks. Yale would never want a murderer like BtG anyway. BtG then informs her mother that she is in fact going to tour Yale. So BtG is choosing her school based solely on spite. That’s exactly the route I took too. It totally paid off.
Back at the Marcy Projects RuRu, Jenny and Loch Ness are hanging out. Nessie is applying to NYU and she’s finishing high school via home study. Can you do home study if you don’t have a real home? I know Loch Ness is poor, but there are free schools in this city. There is no excuse for her to not be enrolled in a real school. I hate her so much, her character makes no sense to me and now she’s a bad influence on the kids who watch this show. Jenny invites RuRu to accompany her to the atelier for just one day to see how good she is at designing. I think Nessa points out that she doesn’t go to high school and she’s cool. No, Nessa, you’re not!
BtB’s interview is going poorly (how appropriate). He stutters and just can’t seem to find the words to express how much he wants to go to Yale. Good thing he’s not thinking of becoming a writer…oh wait. The dean points out that BtB only has one recommendation so his application is incomplete. He needs to get one of the English profs to read his work and write a letter on his behalf or he’s out of the running.
Perfection is waiting for Skull and Bones to come find him as he checks out some preppies. The Bonesmen eventually jump him and throw a bag over his head, dull! They should’ve put a Japanese stewardess under a box that is being propped up by a stick. Tied to the stick would be a length of cord. When Perf is lured into the box a Bonesman pulls the cord and the box comes down trapping Perfection, simple and entertaining.
Back to the dean’s office and Blair is waiting while BtG is interviewing. She can hear BtG being charming and making the dean laugh. I’m starting to question the caliber of our nation’s Ivy League schools is Serena van der Woodsen is considered a good candidate for Yale. When BtG finally comes out of the office, B has totally lost her cool. Could BtG’s shirt be cut any lower? You can see the bottom curve of her boob!
We’re back with Nate and he’s talking to a girl who’s a Sex in Art major or something like that. Nate tells her he’s from St. Jude’s and the guys sitting next to them ask if he knows Nate Archibald. See, every rich person in the entire world lost money because of Nate’s dad. All those rich people’s spoiled kids want to beat up Nate because now they have to get real jobs. Nate lies and says his name is Boring the Boy! What?! That’s like being mistaken for an Olsen twin, playing along with it, but saying you’re Ashley instead of Mary-Kate. Why didn’t he say Chuck Bass? If you’re going to pretend to be someone at least go for the best.
Perfection is now in the Tomb. All the Bonesmen are aware of his reputation saying rumor has it he has banged more Maxim cover models than John Mayer. This is the WORST comparison EVER! To say that the only person Perfection is more sexually desirable than is John Mayer is sacrilegious. This insults the taste and intelligence of every person who watches this show. They should’ve said Pete Doherty. Now there’s a mess I can get on board with. Perfection offers to throw the Bonesmen a party, Chuck Bass style. Whenever he says Chuck Bass I think dirty thoughts.
B’s interviewing worse than BtB. She’s asked to tell more about herself and she just can’t do it. The dean tells her BtG had such entertaining stories, so go on, tell a fun little story like the girl whose boobs were hanging out. B’s got nothin’. Why are they allowing her to fail?! We all know she has great stories. Ahem, her seating chart!!!! That would’ve gotten her a full ride and honorary Ph D. Why did she drop the ball, she’s so much better than that! As she’s leaving the interview there is no mention of the secret gathering she was so sure she’d be invited to.
Outside the dean’s office BtG tells B how much she loves Yale even though B tells her she’ll never get in. BtG is really impressed with their drama department. Since when is BtG into the arts? The only creative thing she has EVER done is decorate that room where she gave BtB sex for Christmas. And even then she didn’t do it all by herself, Nessa helped her. BtG’s cell rings and it’s the dean’s secretary inviting her to the secret gathering. Looks like BtG is on the short list for admission. B swears she’ll take her down and reminds BtG that the only reason Yale wants her is because she’s the new It girl and they want to raise their profile. Yeah, not enough people are familiar with Yale that they need a flash-in-the-pan skank socialite to raise interest in the school. I start to think B’s off her rocker, but cut to the dean’s office where he’s looking at pics of BtG in Page Six. Looks like B is right, how could I have doubted her? Dorota pulls up on a motorcycle wearing a maroon Members Only jacket. Blair jumps in the sidecar and they speed off leaving BtG in the dust. Not really, but that’s totally something Karen and Rosario would do.
Enough with Connecticut, Jenny de la Renta and RuRu are at the atelier where Jenny is showing her dad how important and talented she is. While Jenny isn’t looking RuRu asks Eleanor to fire his daughter so she can focus on school. Eleanor tells him that you don’t fire someone who’s practically a slave. No, she says Jenny is talented.
Back in New Haven, Perfection is making fun of BtG for being dumb. He asks her if she has an answer for the dean’s infamous secret gathering quiz. What person, living or dead, would you like to have dinner with and why? My answer, well, I’m sure you can guess. Perfection tells BtG Blair’s answer that she’s had for years, George Sand. He goes into how turned on B would get talking about her answer and BtG stops him, buzz kill. George Sand happens to be the dean’s favorite writer and just saying his/her name would get you into Yale slicker than snot on a door knob.
Bear Sterns Jr. is in a dorm room making out with the Art is Sexy major. She asks him if he liked “Cholera”, as in Love in the Time of, and he said it was painful…to read. No, I think he meant it hurt when he had cholera. His family can’t afford clean drinking water anymore. There’s a knock on the door, it’s the real Boring the Boy! He needs Art is Sexy to read his work and then ask one of her profs to write his letter. He sees ole Lehman Brothers Archibald in her bed and the cover is blown when he introduces himself as himself. Art is Sexy is so confused and tells Freddie Mac that he should’ve just told her the truth. I guess that means her family is poor since she wasn’t affected by Mr. Archibald’s actions. BtB tells Nate that his future is not a joke. From where I’m sitting it is. BtB starts into the whole they “come from two worlds” speech AGAIN and Fannie Mae tells him to lose the chip on his shoulder and that it’s no wonder BtG dumped him. I think they just developed crushes on each other.
Blair bribes the dean’s secretary with the promise of kitten figurines if she tells her where the party is. Of course she tells her, who can resist cat figurines?! But I wish it had been something juicier like blackmail. I’m sure the secretary is having an affair with her stepson. B needs to do better research.
RuRu has to admit he’s impressed with Jenny’s skills but that school is too important and she can’t drop out. Jenny is sad but handles his decision maturely. Okay, how much time has passed here? Just last week she was a little bitch and now she’s Ghandi.
The party is underway and BtG is in a very low cut dress. I don’t know how the skanks at Brown dress, but this is Yale. YALE! You know, where they’ll fast track you if you’re the flavor of the week socialite. B looks divine. BtG tells B her stolen answer to the question and B flips. And since it goes alphabetically, BtG will give her answer before Blair. There is a string quartet playing Muse’s Time is Running Out during this scene. The music snob in me is impressed.
The Chuck Bass Party (I just got chills) is underway at the Tomb. Perfection has ordered three girls for every guy. The girls don’t speak English and I guess that means the Bonesmen can do whatever they want to them? I mean, who are they going to tell? If they can’t speaking English no one can understand them. They tell Perf that if he wants in he needs to deliver the Son of the Reason We Need the $700B Bailout Plan. Perf says it’s as good as done. He calls Bear Sterns Jr. and invites him to Mike’s Bar to get blazed. At first I’m a little disappointed that Perfection sold out his friend, but then we see the Bonesmen attack BtB and he has totally redeemed himself.
Blair and BtG are competing for the attention of everyone at the dean’s party. Finally The Quiz has started. When it gets to BtG the dean reads the card she wrote her answer on. BtG would like to have dinner with…Pete Ferman? Who the hell is that? BtG is caught off guard and doesn’t know what to say, she has no idea who that is. Blair helps her out by announcing to everyone that Pete Ferman is the man BtG killed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually gasped when she said that!!! FINALLY someone brings that up again. It’s so low, but B was slipping and she has totally regained her footing. BtG explains that this person was a friend and that he died when she was with him. She then excuses B and herself. Outside the house they get in a huge fight and B throws her clutch at the back of BtG’s head! They have an all out cat fight and B says BtG is only getting into Yale to help them meet their skank quota.
The thrill packed day at the atelier is over and Jenny brings RuRu with her on one last errand: dropping off accessories for Lily at the House of Bass. You’ll never guess who they run into in her own home, Lily! She’s trying on BtG’s low cut dress when they walk in. She tells RuRu that no one else is home, she’s totally hinting at getting it on with him, but Saint RuRu doesn’t take the bait. He does tell her that she looks fantastic no matter what she wears. When will they finally get together?!!?!?!
The Bonesmen go to Mike’s Bar to celebrate taking down the kid of the guy who ruined their families fortunes (it’s their fault they didn’t diversify). They keep saying they got Nate Archibald and good. Nate is there and informs them that actually they didn’t, and a bar fight breaks out.
We see BtB tied to a statue in his boxers. Nate finds him and tells him that they thought he was Nate and that they hate Nate because of what the Captain did. See, BtB doesn’t come from money so he was completely oblivious to all of this. Art is Sexy walks by as AIG is trying to untie BtB. Art is Sexy has mad knot untying skills. I wonder where she got these skills and before I know it she’s addressing my question; her mother was in the Navy. And then I remember that it’s just a given that all of us have a complete understanding of our parents’ occupations through some sort of osmosis. She could’ve easily said, “I used to date an Eagle Scout”. Yes, I would’ve been satisfied with that.
Outside the dean’s party B and BtG are talking about the landmines surrounding them. They discuss whether or not they should stop being friends. Didn’t they already stop? You can tell BtG especially doesn’t want to break up. They call a ceasefire which of course won’t last.
We haven’t slummed it for a while. RuRu decides Jenny can home school like Loch Ness and then maybe she can go to the Professional Children’s School after the semester is over. Jenny is ecstatic since she’d be “just like Vera Wang” if she went to that school…or Taylor Momsen who actually plays the character of Jenny. Won’t that rip a hole in the space-time continuum? Never mind, I just looked it up. Taylor goes the the Professional Performing Arts School. That makes my theory way off base.
The next day at Yale, BtG and Blair are both at the dean’s office to convince him that the other really deserves to go to Yale, where it is acceptable to wear skank clothes to interviews, spill dark secrets in formal settings and try to convince the dean to let your friend go there? I’m starting to wish I had gone to an Ivy League school. The two of them say they “don’t want to not know” each other. Yes, that’s a direct quote. They realize they fight because they’re scared of what the future holds. And that’s it. Blair tells a room full of people that BtG murdered someone and in less than 24 hours they’re friends again because they just can’t quit each other.
Sex in Art tells BtB she’ll get someone to read his stuff and the Economic Un-Stimulus Package says he’s sorry for pretending to be Boring. Everything seems to work out just fine for everyone.
The Bonesmen confront Perfection about sending them after the wrong guy. They’re very menacing but Perf doesn’t even flinch. Turns out the foreign hookers were outfitted with hidden cameras and now Perfection has dirt on all of them. If only Bart could see this, he would be so proud. He would say, “Just like I did to your stepmother, well done my boy”. I can tell you I’m proud. They have officially made Perfection, well, perfect. Nothing sticks to him, nothing hurts him. A 176 year old secret society tries to get him to do something he doesn’t like and he blackmails all of them. Even when the bag was over his head, they were at his mercy.
Little Lehman confronts Perfection about setting up BtB, telling him it’s unacceptable. Perfection informs him that BtB is nothing, actually less than nothing. Nate comes back with, “Actually, he’s pretty cool.” Yep, that’s all he had.
The dean calls BtG to tell her she’s as good as in and that Blair is going to have to wait like everyone else. He’s looking at pics of her in the Post again. Until she’s photographed with Rachel Zoe I will never buy the storyline of BtG being the new It girl. Perfection is checking out his former best friend and the guy he went on a couple of dates with walking into the sunset. But don’t worry about him, he doesn’t need your pity.
My predictions for next week are BtB will show up outside Perfections penthouse holding a boombox over his head while it blasts Pete Gabriel’s Your Eyes in an attempt to win back his muse. Joe Sixpack Archibald will become popular again when the Dow rallies with a 900 point gain only to lose all his new found friends two hours later when it falls more than 700 points. BtG will finally realize that Blair really burned her with that whole announcing-to-all-of-Yale-that-she-killed-someone thing. She’ll get mildly upset only to forget the whole thing when Rachel Zoe asks to be photographed with her thus cementing her It girl status, damn it! Jenny will excel at homeschooling and graduate before Loch Ness, ha!
At the House of Bass, Lily is trying to convince BtG to try Yale since every other character on the show is going there and it would be a lot easier for the show’s writers if she went there too. Actually, she’s received a handwritten letter from the dean of admissions. BtG thinks she’s more of a Brown kind of girl since she’s all bohemian because she wears her hair in loose, wavy curls and always layers her clothes. I guess Yale is for people with straight dark hair who wear headbands and cardigans. And get this, BtG’s “It”-ness has grown exponentially since last episode. Designers are sending her their clothes to wear and Marc Jacobs has named a handbag after her. I’m guessing it’s either called the Boring Bag or the Murderess Clutch, maybe even the Hobo Killer.
Meanwhile at the Marcy Projects, Boring the Boy is talking to RuRu about his love for Yale. He’s worried that he won’t get in since he’s pretty much social trash. RuRu tells him to be himself and that Yale will love him even though no one else does.
Perfection and Nate “Lehman Brothers” Archibald are preparing for their trip to Yale just like everyone else. Perf is looking forward to meeting some “horny women’s studies majors” that he can bed. Does that make any sense? Aren’t women’s studies majors stereotypically lesbians? But I guess if anyone can turn someone, it’s Chuck Bass. Strike what I just said, it makes perfect sense. Nate just wants to go to USC because he such a down to earth guy. Perfection is going to choose his university based on secret societies. Since Yale has the crème de la crème, Skull and Bones, the choice is simple.
There’s definite awkwardness between Perfection and BtB. They obviously haven’t talked about why they broke up, but that’s BtB M.O. I’m sure they’re going to get back together and it’ll end again, just like with BtG. Perf makes BtB sound worthless and they go on their merry way. Blair and BtG get into it when B tells BtG that her school choice sucks. Yale would never want a murderer like BtG anyway. BtG then informs her mother that she is in fact going to tour Yale. So BtG is choosing her school based solely on spite. That’s exactly the route I took too. It totally paid off.
Back at the Marcy Projects RuRu, Jenny and Loch Ness are hanging out. Nessie is applying to NYU and she’s finishing high school via home study. Can you do home study if you don’t have a real home? I know Loch Ness is poor, but there are free schools in this city. There is no excuse for her to not be enrolled in a real school. I hate her so much, her character makes no sense to me and now she’s a bad influence on the kids who watch this show. Jenny invites RuRu to accompany her to the atelier for just one day to see how good she is at designing. I think Nessa points out that she doesn’t go to high school and she’s cool. No, Nessa, you’re not!
BtB’s interview is going poorly (how appropriate). He stutters and just can’t seem to find the words to express how much he wants to go to Yale. Good thing he’s not thinking of becoming a writer…oh wait. The dean points out that BtB only has one recommendation so his application is incomplete. He needs to get one of the English profs to read his work and write a letter on his behalf or he’s out of the running.
Perfection is waiting for Skull and Bones to come find him as he checks out some preppies. The Bonesmen eventually jump him and throw a bag over his head, dull! They should’ve put a Japanese stewardess under a box that is being propped up by a stick. Tied to the stick would be a length of cord. When Perf is lured into the box a Bonesman pulls the cord and the box comes down trapping Perfection, simple and entertaining.
Back to the dean’s office and Blair is waiting while BtG is interviewing. She can hear BtG being charming and making the dean laugh. I’m starting to question the caliber of our nation’s Ivy League schools is Serena van der Woodsen is considered a good candidate for Yale. When BtG finally comes out of the office, B has totally lost her cool. Could BtG’s shirt be cut any lower? You can see the bottom curve of her boob!
We’re back with Nate and he’s talking to a girl who’s a Sex in Art major or something like that. Nate tells her he’s from St. Jude’s and the guys sitting next to them ask if he knows Nate Archibald. See, every rich person in the entire world lost money because of Nate’s dad. All those rich people’s spoiled kids want to beat up Nate because now they have to get real jobs. Nate lies and says his name is Boring the Boy! What?! That’s like being mistaken for an Olsen twin, playing along with it, but saying you’re Ashley instead of Mary-Kate. Why didn’t he say Chuck Bass? If you’re going to pretend to be someone at least go for the best.
Perfection is now in the Tomb. All the Bonesmen are aware of his reputation saying rumor has it he has banged more Maxim cover models than John Mayer. This is the WORST comparison EVER! To say that the only person Perfection is more sexually desirable than is John Mayer is sacrilegious. This insults the taste and intelligence of every person who watches this show. They should’ve said Pete Doherty. Now there’s a mess I can get on board with. Perfection offers to throw the Bonesmen a party, Chuck Bass style. Whenever he says Chuck Bass I think dirty thoughts.
B’s interviewing worse than BtB. She’s asked to tell more about herself and she just can’t do it. The dean tells her BtG had such entertaining stories, so go on, tell a fun little story like the girl whose boobs were hanging out. B’s got nothin’. Why are they allowing her to fail?! We all know she has great stories. Ahem, her seating chart!!!! That would’ve gotten her a full ride and honorary Ph D. Why did she drop the ball, she’s so much better than that! As she’s leaving the interview there is no mention of the secret gathering she was so sure she’d be invited to.
Outside the dean’s office BtG tells B how much she loves Yale even though B tells her she’ll never get in. BtG is really impressed with their drama department. Since when is BtG into the arts? The only creative thing she has EVER done is decorate that room where she gave BtB sex for Christmas. And even then she didn’t do it all by herself, Nessa helped her. BtG’s cell rings and it’s the dean’s secretary inviting her to the secret gathering. Looks like BtG is on the short list for admission. B swears she’ll take her down and reminds BtG that the only reason Yale wants her is because she’s the new It girl and they want to raise their profile. Yeah, not enough people are familiar with Yale that they need a flash-in-the-pan skank socialite to raise interest in the school. I start to think B’s off her rocker, but cut to the dean’s office where he’s looking at pics of BtG in Page Six. Looks like B is right, how could I have doubted her? Dorota pulls up on a motorcycle wearing a maroon Members Only jacket. Blair jumps in the sidecar and they speed off leaving BtG in the dust. Not really, but that’s totally something Karen and Rosario would do.
Enough with Connecticut, Jenny de la Renta and RuRu are at the atelier where Jenny is showing her dad how important and talented she is. While Jenny isn’t looking RuRu asks Eleanor to fire his daughter so she can focus on school. Eleanor tells him that you don’t fire someone who’s practically a slave. No, she says Jenny is talented.
Back in New Haven, Perfection is making fun of BtG for being dumb. He asks her if she has an answer for the dean’s infamous secret gathering quiz. What person, living or dead, would you like to have dinner with and why? My answer, well, I’m sure you can guess. Perfection tells BtG Blair’s answer that she’s had for years, George Sand. He goes into how turned on B would get talking about her answer and BtG stops him, buzz kill. George Sand happens to be the dean’s favorite writer and just saying his/her name would get you into Yale slicker than snot on a door knob.
Bear Sterns Jr. is in a dorm room making out with the Art is Sexy major. She asks him if he liked “Cholera”, as in Love in the Time of, and he said it was painful…to read. No, I think he meant it hurt when he had cholera. His family can’t afford clean drinking water anymore. There’s a knock on the door, it’s the real Boring the Boy! He needs Art is Sexy to read his work and then ask one of her profs to write his letter. He sees ole Lehman Brothers Archibald in her bed and the cover is blown when he introduces himself as himself. Art is Sexy is so confused and tells Freddie Mac that he should’ve just told her the truth. I guess that means her family is poor since she wasn’t affected by Mr. Archibald’s actions. BtB tells Nate that his future is not a joke. From where I’m sitting it is. BtB starts into the whole they “come from two worlds” speech AGAIN and Fannie Mae tells him to lose the chip on his shoulder and that it’s no wonder BtG dumped him. I think they just developed crushes on each other.
Blair bribes the dean’s secretary with the promise of kitten figurines if she tells her where the party is. Of course she tells her, who can resist cat figurines?! But I wish it had been something juicier like blackmail. I’m sure the secretary is having an affair with her stepson. B needs to do better research.
RuRu has to admit he’s impressed with Jenny’s skills but that school is too important and she can’t drop out. Jenny is sad but handles his decision maturely. Okay, how much time has passed here? Just last week she was a little bitch and now she’s Ghandi.
The party is underway and BtG is in a very low cut dress. I don’t know how the skanks at Brown dress, but this is Yale. YALE! You know, where they’ll fast track you if you’re the flavor of the week socialite. B looks divine. BtG tells B her stolen answer to the question and B flips. And since it goes alphabetically, BtG will give her answer before Blair. There is a string quartet playing Muse’s Time is Running Out during this scene. The music snob in me is impressed.
The Chuck Bass Party (I just got chills) is underway at the Tomb. Perfection has ordered three girls for every guy. The girls don’t speak English and I guess that means the Bonesmen can do whatever they want to them? I mean, who are they going to tell? If they can’t speaking English no one can understand them. They tell Perf that if he wants in he needs to deliver the Son of the Reason We Need the $700B Bailout Plan. Perf says it’s as good as done. He calls Bear Sterns Jr. and invites him to Mike’s Bar to get blazed. At first I’m a little disappointed that Perfection sold out his friend, but then we see the Bonesmen attack BtB and he has totally redeemed himself.
Blair and BtG are competing for the attention of everyone at the dean’s party. Finally The Quiz has started. When it gets to BtG the dean reads the card she wrote her answer on. BtG would like to have dinner with…Pete Ferman? Who the hell is that? BtG is caught off guard and doesn’t know what to say, she has no idea who that is. Blair helps her out by announcing to everyone that Pete Ferman is the man BtG killed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually gasped when she said that!!! FINALLY someone brings that up again. It’s so low, but B was slipping and she has totally regained her footing. BtG explains that this person was a friend and that he died when she was with him. She then excuses B and herself. Outside the house they get in a huge fight and B throws her clutch at the back of BtG’s head! They have an all out cat fight and B says BtG is only getting into Yale to help them meet their skank quota.
The thrill packed day at the atelier is over and Jenny brings RuRu with her on one last errand: dropping off accessories for Lily at the House of Bass. You’ll never guess who they run into in her own home, Lily! She’s trying on BtG’s low cut dress when they walk in. She tells RuRu that no one else is home, she’s totally hinting at getting it on with him, but Saint RuRu doesn’t take the bait. He does tell her that she looks fantastic no matter what she wears. When will they finally get together?!!?!?!
The Bonesmen go to Mike’s Bar to celebrate taking down the kid of the guy who ruined their families fortunes (it’s their fault they didn’t diversify). They keep saying they got Nate Archibald and good. Nate is there and informs them that actually they didn’t, and a bar fight breaks out.
We see BtB tied to a statue in his boxers. Nate finds him and tells him that they thought he was Nate and that they hate Nate because of what the Captain did. See, BtB doesn’t come from money so he was completely oblivious to all of this. Art is Sexy walks by as AIG is trying to untie BtB. Art is Sexy has mad knot untying skills. I wonder where she got these skills and before I know it she’s addressing my question; her mother was in the Navy. And then I remember that it’s just a given that all of us have a complete understanding of our parents’ occupations through some sort of osmosis. She could’ve easily said, “I used to date an Eagle Scout”. Yes, I would’ve been satisfied with that.
Outside the dean’s party B and BtG are talking about the landmines surrounding them. They discuss whether or not they should stop being friends. Didn’t they already stop? You can tell BtG especially doesn’t want to break up. They call a ceasefire which of course won’t last.
We haven’t slummed it for a while. RuRu decides Jenny can home school like Loch Ness and then maybe she can go to the Professional Children’s School after the semester is over. Jenny is ecstatic since she’d be “just like Vera Wang” if she went to that school…or Taylor Momsen who actually plays the character of Jenny. Won’t that rip a hole in the space-time continuum? Never mind, I just looked it up. Taylor goes the the Professional Performing Arts School. That makes my theory way off base.
The next day at Yale, BtG and Blair are both at the dean’s office to convince him that the other really deserves to go to Yale, where it is acceptable to wear skank clothes to interviews, spill dark secrets in formal settings and try to convince the dean to let your friend go there? I’m starting to wish I had gone to an Ivy League school. The two of them say they “don’t want to not know” each other. Yes, that’s a direct quote. They realize they fight because they’re scared of what the future holds. And that’s it. Blair tells a room full of people that BtG murdered someone and in less than 24 hours they’re friends again because they just can’t quit each other.
Sex in Art tells BtB she’ll get someone to read his stuff and the Economic Un-Stimulus Package says he’s sorry for pretending to be Boring. Everything seems to work out just fine for everyone.
The Bonesmen confront Perfection about sending them after the wrong guy. They’re very menacing but Perf doesn’t even flinch. Turns out the foreign hookers were outfitted with hidden cameras and now Perfection has dirt on all of them. If only Bart could see this, he would be so proud. He would say, “Just like I did to your stepmother, well done my boy”. I can tell you I’m proud. They have officially made Perfection, well, perfect. Nothing sticks to him, nothing hurts him. A 176 year old secret society tries to get him to do something he doesn’t like and he blackmails all of them. Even when the bag was over his head, they were at his mercy.
Little Lehman confronts Perfection about setting up BtB, telling him it’s unacceptable. Perfection informs him that BtB is nothing, actually less than nothing. Nate comes back with, “Actually, he’s pretty cool.” Yep, that’s all he had.
The dean calls BtG to tell her she’s as good as in and that Blair is going to have to wait like everyone else. He’s looking at pics of her in the Post again. Until she’s photographed with Rachel Zoe I will never buy the storyline of BtG being the new It girl. Perfection is checking out his former best friend and the guy he went on a couple of dates with walking into the sunset. But don’t worry about him, he doesn’t need your pity.
My predictions for next week are BtB will show up outside Perfections penthouse holding a boombox over his head while it blasts Pete Gabriel’s Your Eyes in an attempt to win back his muse. Joe Sixpack Archibald will become popular again when the Dow rallies with a 900 point gain only to lose all his new found friends two hours later when it falls more than 700 points. BtG will finally realize that Blair really burned her with that whole announcing-to-all-of-Yale-that-she-killed-someone thing. She’ll get mildly upset only to forget the whole thing when Rachel Zoe asks to be photographed with her thus cementing her It girl status, damn it! Jenny will excel at homeschooling and graduate before Loch Ness, ha!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
The Chuck Abides
The show opens backstage at Eleanor Waldorf’s fashion show. Now I can’t quite remember if Gossip Girl actually says this but it’s one of those “Every year (blah blah blah) Blair Waldorf (blah blah blah)”. So every year during Fashion Week, Blair Waldorf makes the seating chart for her mother’s fashion show and then watches the show with Boring the Girl from back stage. They’ve done this, like, every year since they were, like, twelve. I guess B is totally gifted when it comes to making fantastic seating charts…
Cut to Jenny and Boring the Boy walking down the street talking about BtB’s college plans. He’s so whiny! He just wants to be a great writer but he’s still hung up on that mentor of his who dumped his ass, you can tell. Jenny doesn’t have much to say about it and tells BtB some excuse so he’ll go on to school without her. Then she hails a cab to high tail it her fashion job. That girl should really take the subway; only important people take cabs in this city. I figure out before I’m told that Jenny has been skipping class! She is hardcore like a Jonas Brother.
Lily is waxing poetic to Boring the Girl back at their apartment about her art and how little room she has for it. She confesses to her dull daughter that she once modeled for Mapplethorpe, but not to worry, it was tasteful. Yeah, I’m sure. Lily says her Mapplethorpe is going up for auction soon and that she wants to buy it, a little reminder of her skank past. She tried to get a little reminder of her skank past from Rufus last episode but got shot down, oh snap! I’m sure in future episodes we’ll find out that Lily “walked on the wild side” with Lou Reed, had an affair with JFK, and was once preserved in a tank of formaldehyde by Damien Hirst. BtG starts talking about her new best friend, socialite Poppy Lifton, and how much fun they’ve been having lately. BtG is a real It girl now, a big, boring, murderous It girl.
Perfection and B are having a lover’s quarrel about BtG’s rising star. Perfection is really getting to her and totally setting B up to fall for him, which she’d better do, and soon! I think he’s playing The Game with her. He’s trying to tear her down until she gives in to him. Works every time. She gets him back by saying the only person who has fewer friends than Perfection is BtB, but at least BtB’s dad doesn’t hate him.
Boring the Boy takes his stories to an old man (I think it’s his former mentor) who tells him he sucks and is too whiny about girls. The old man recalls the time he spent with Bukowski and how he once shot a shot glass off of the old man’s head. Why are they mentioning famous artists and writers? Do they really think the kids who watch this show are going to go out and buy Love Is a Dog from Hell? This reminds me of the scene in the movie Enough when J-Lo’s character, Slim, mentions she’s reading Finnegan’s Wake. I laughed so hard at that. It’s like, okay, we get it, you’re supposed to be smart. Anyway, the old man tells BtB to find his own Bukowski, someone who pushes the limits and can really inspire some good material. I think what BtB needs is a Chuc-kowski.
BtB stops by the House of Bass and tells Perfection that he wants to go on a date with him in order to “experience new things” and see into the “world of Chuck Bass”. BtB thinks this will make him a better writer, but he doesn’t tell Perfection he has ulterior motives. I hope Perfection tries to shoot a shot glass off of BtB head and aims too low.
Back at Eleanor’s fashion show Jenny changes B’s seating chart to include BtG and her new socialite friends. See there’s a problem, Eleanor’s show is at the same time as Marc Jacobs’ show and she’s having a hard time securing youthful celebrities. Jenny’s idea totally saves the day, but messes with a very long standing tradition, B’s seating chart. Now why didn’t they take this opportunity to mention some high art fashion designer like Hussein Chalayan or Rei Kawakubo; even a cameo by Rachel Zoe (my greatest shame of the moment is that I love her show on Bravo) would’ve sufficed. I guess they only do that for art and literature. B is pissed and someone finally realizes that Jenny doesn’t go to school anymore; it’s B and I love it when she has dirt on Little Jenny Humphrey.
Now we’re back to BtB and his hot date with Perfection is just getting under way. Perfection gives BtB a couple of pills to take with his alcoholic drink and, of course, BtB goes along with it for the sake of his craft.
We’re finally introduced to Poppy Lifton backstage at the fashion show. BtG is feeling guilty about sitting in the front row of the show when she usually sits backstage with Blair. Poppy tells BtG that B is keeping her from shining, glowing and singing the body electric. This scene is SO horribly acted that I just Googled “Poppy Lifton” to see if she’s an actual socialite playing herself on Gossip Girl. She’s not, she’s a real actor and she did not get her start on the Hills. Though I’m pretty sure she graduated from the Hills School of Acting. I think Poppy got to BtG because she no longer seems to feel guilty about ruining the one thing that truly defines Blair (at least for this episode) her seating chart!
B decides to slum it for a bit and takes a trip to Brooklyn to bring Jenny-Jen some soup since she must be sick. At least that’s what she tells RuRu. He’s surprised to find out that Jenny hasn’t been in class for ten days. He also tells off Blair saying he knows she doesn’t have his daughter’s best interests at heart. Watch out Ru, B doesn’t mess around. I knew B would get back at Jenny and she did a good job.
The man-date is progressing well. BtB is off the charts drunk and rambling about how he can’t figure out how Perfection just gets whatever he wants. BtB says something about not knowing you could find hookers behind some café back there. Perfection somehow gets BtB to take off his shoes in the limo and then tells the driver to pull over. BtB gets kicked out of the car on some random street. As the limo takes off stranding him there, I start to feel bad for BtB, I mean I genuinely feel bad for the guy. Then I realize he asked for it and the Chuck abides.
RuRu is making waffles for Truant Jenny Humphrey and rips her a new one. He can’t believe he spends so much money on a school that she doesn’t even attend. She gives him a few “But Dad, you don’t understand” lines. Blah blah blah.
B confronts BtG about taking over her throne at school and BtG just regurgitates what Poppy Lifton told her before. B is not happy and I can’t wait for her to exact her revenge on BtG.
BtB thinks he’s all hot shit since he had one date with a hot mess of a guy. His mentor still doesn’t like his writing and encourages him to instead write from the point of view of this “Charlie Trout” character to find out what makes him tick. WTF?! Charlie Trout? A wise architecture champion once told me “You don’t have to like your nickname!” But what about other people’s nicknames. I’m no, Proust, but I think the names I’ve come up with a far better than Charlie Trout. I will never get over that and the fact that I once felt bad for BtB. What kind of writer is he?
Back at the fashion show…again…someone is messing with the seating chart…again. B puts BtG way in the back but Jenny steps in to save the day for BtG. I’m really hoping that this whole seating chart thing has a multiple episode story arch. It’s just such good television.
But we do get some relief from this riveting story line. Close up of Perfection sitting in a lounge, calling his dad to see if he wants to get his drink on, aww. Bart shoots him down, he has better things to do. In walks BtB, coming back for another date and, unfortunately, Perfection is down and out and willing. These two had BETTER not become friends. Lovers, maybe, but not friends. BtB starts asking if Perfection had a happy childhood and how his dad is doing. BtB’s line of questioning is so obvious, that’s probably how he writes too. Perfection leaves their table to go solicit a girl who turns out to not be a hooker; we’ve all made that mistake. The not-hooker’s boyfriend gets pissed and BtB steps in to punch out the douche bag. I think this is like BtB and Perfection getting to second base.
RuRu is trusting Jenny Jenny Truancy less and less when the headmistress calls to say that Jenny still isn’t showing up to school.
Guess what, that fashion show is still going on. Yes, in the amount of time a fashion show takes BtB and Perfection have gone on a man-date, BtB has written a story and shown it to his mentor and then gone on another date. B finds out that Jenny is in charge of all the models so she sends them home to sabotage Jenny…because that won’t ruin her mother or anything like that.
Perfection and BtB are now in jail for their little bar brawl and Perfection actually thanks BtB for saving his beautiful face from being beaten to a pulp. He also tells BtB he’s lucky that RuRu cares about him. Perfection goes on to say his father hates him because the love of Bart’s life died giving birth to Perfection. See, BtG that’s how you really kill someone, Perfection is a real murderer. Perfection’s mom must’ve been really hot since Perfection looks nothing like Bart. I feel so bad for him. I think this is an attempt to get everyone to love Perfection, but not me. I’ve loved him all along, he had me at “I’ll have to chef cook you up a grilled cheese with truffles” from episode 2 season 1, look it up. Can you imagine a grilled cheese with TRUFFLES?!
It turns out that Bart bought Lily’s Mapplethorpe, but wants no one to ever see it, like he’s ashamed of Lily’s skank past. He says he doesn’t want anyone to use it against them. Lily confronts him about looking into her past, he hands her an envelope and she’s very surprised by what’s in it. Blackmail! We don’t get to see it, but something tells me she’s probably killed someone at some point in her life. Bart is one sick bastard; at least his son makes it look good.
The epic fashion show still hasn’t happened, all the models are gone. Jenny saves the day AGAIN by asking Poppy, BtG and their other socialite friends to fill in for the real models as if that would be easy. In a last ditch attempt to screw Jenny, B gives BtG Jenny’s after party dress to wear as the finale. Jenny’s homemade dress steals the show and it looks like Eleanor is going to be pissed. B stands up for Jenny and explains that Jenny didn’t try to steal the show. I really hope B and Jenny go after BtG, because the only thing Jenny is good for is helping B destroy people.
Perfection’s lawyer bails him out and it looks like Perfection is going to bail out BtB as well. But as Perf is getting his personal belongings he is accidently given BtB’s instead. He sees that BtB has been taking notes the whole time they’ve been dating. He goes back to the jail cell to tell him off and adds that he lied about his mother. She really died in a plane crash in the Andes and was eaten by a Uruguayan rugby team. Okay, not the last part, but he totally set me up for that.
BtB calls his old man mentor to bail him out. Old man asks him what he found out about Trout. BtB is too goody two shoes that he just can’t tell him about his breakthrough with Perfection. BtB doesn’t kiss and tell.
Okay, that fashion show is FINALLY over and Eleanor is toasting Jenny for saving the day (which she wouldn’t have had to do if Eleanor’s own daughter hadn’t tried to ruin everything). RuRu is there to overhear this. BtG and B have a big heart to heart and BtG tells B she’s insecure. From now on BtG is going to be just who she is; a boring murderer with bad taste in guys and B had better just support that.
Jenny and RuRu have their own heart to heart about Jenny’s design career. She doesn’t want to go to school anymore and only wants to pursue fashion. I really can’t remember what comes of this.
We end with Bart burying Lily’s secret with jewelry and the good life. She’s such a sell out. This is the woman who left he rock star BF RuRu to get it on with Trent Reznor (at least that’s what she said in season 1). Why is she putting up with Bart Bass? Oh, that’s right, she loves money and now she’s being blackmailed.
My predictions are Jenny will continue to skip school and do it so much that Eugene Levy is forced to track her and her twin sister through the streets of New York where hilarious high jinks ensue. B will get Jenny to do awesomely horrible things to BtG. BtB and Perfection will go on date number three where they will awkwardly discuss “where this is going” and Nate and Loch Ness will come back and be poor together.
Cut to Jenny and Boring the Boy walking down the street talking about BtB’s college plans. He’s so whiny! He just wants to be a great writer but he’s still hung up on that mentor of his who dumped his ass, you can tell. Jenny doesn’t have much to say about it and tells BtB some excuse so he’ll go on to school without her. Then she hails a cab to high tail it her fashion job. That girl should really take the subway; only important people take cabs in this city. I figure out before I’m told that Jenny has been skipping class! She is hardcore like a Jonas Brother.
Lily is waxing poetic to Boring the Girl back at their apartment about her art and how little room she has for it. She confesses to her dull daughter that she once modeled for Mapplethorpe, but not to worry, it was tasteful. Yeah, I’m sure. Lily says her Mapplethorpe is going up for auction soon and that she wants to buy it, a little reminder of her skank past. She tried to get a little reminder of her skank past from Rufus last episode but got shot down, oh snap! I’m sure in future episodes we’ll find out that Lily “walked on the wild side” with Lou Reed, had an affair with JFK, and was once preserved in a tank of formaldehyde by Damien Hirst. BtG starts talking about her new best friend, socialite Poppy Lifton, and how much fun they’ve been having lately. BtG is a real It girl now, a big, boring, murderous It girl.
Perfection and B are having a lover’s quarrel about BtG’s rising star. Perfection is really getting to her and totally setting B up to fall for him, which she’d better do, and soon! I think he’s playing The Game with her. He’s trying to tear her down until she gives in to him. Works every time. She gets him back by saying the only person who has fewer friends than Perfection is BtB, but at least BtB’s dad doesn’t hate him.
Boring the Boy takes his stories to an old man (I think it’s his former mentor) who tells him he sucks and is too whiny about girls. The old man recalls the time he spent with Bukowski and how he once shot a shot glass off of the old man’s head. Why are they mentioning famous artists and writers? Do they really think the kids who watch this show are going to go out and buy Love Is a Dog from Hell? This reminds me of the scene in the movie Enough when J-Lo’s character, Slim, mentions she’s reading Finnegan’s Wake. I laughed so hard at that. It’s like, okay, we get it, you’re supposed to be smart. Anyway, the old man tells BtB to find his own Bukowski, someone who pushes the limits and can really inspire some good material. I think what BtB needs is a Chuc-kowski.
BtB stops by the House of Bass and tells Perfection that he wants to go on a date with him in order to “experience new things” and see into the “world of Chuck Bass”. BtB thinks this will make him a better writer, but he doesn’t tell Perfection he has ulterior motives. I hope Perfection tries to shoot a shot glass off of BtB head and aims too low.
Back at Eleanor’s fashion show Jenny changes B’s seating chart to include BtG and her new socialite friends. See there’s a problem, Eleanor’s show is at the same time as Marc Jacobs’ show and she’s having a hard time securing youthful celebrities. Jenny’s idea totally saves the day, but messes with a very long standing tradition, B’s seating chart. Now why didn’t they take this opportunity to mention some high art fashion designer like Hussein Chalayan or Rei Kawakubo; even a cameo by Rachel Zoe (my greatest shame of the moment is that I love her show on Bravo) would’ve sufficed. I guess they only do that for art and literature. B is pissed and someone finally realizes that Jenny doesn’t go to school anymore; it’s B and I love it when she has dirt on Little Jenny Humphrey.
Now we’re back to BtB and his hot date with Perfection is just getting under way. Perfection gives BtB a couple of pills to take with his alcoholic drink and, of course, BtB goes along with it for the sake of his craft.
We’re finally introduced to Poppy Lifton backstage at the fashion show. BtG is feeling guilty about sitting in the front row of the show when she usually sits backstage with Blair. Poppy tells BtG that B is keeping her from shining, glowing and singing the body electric. This scene is SO horribly acted that I just Googled “Poppy Lifton” to see if she’s an actual socialite playing herself on Gossip Girl. She’s not, she’s a real actor and she did not get her start on the Hills. Though I’m pretty sure she graduated from the Hills School of Acting. I think Poppy got to BtG because she no longer seems to feel guilty about ruining the one thing that truly defines Blair (at least for this episode) her seating chart!
B decides to slum it for a bit and takes a trip to Brooklyn to bring Jenny-Jen some soup since she must be sick. At least that’s what she tells RuRu. He’s surprised to find out that Jenny hasn’t been in class for ten days. He also tells off Blair saying he knows she doesn’t have his daughter’s best interests at heart. Watch out Ru, B doesn’t mess around. I knew B would get back at Jenny and she did a good job.
The man-date is progressing well. BtB is off the charts drunk and rambling about how he can’t figure out how Perfection just gets whatever he wants. BtB says something about not knowing you could find hookers behind some café back there. Perfection somehow gets BtB to take off his shoes in the limo and then tells the driver to pull over. BtB gets kicked out of the car on some random street. As the limo takes off stranding him there, I start to feel bad for BtB, I mean I genuinely feel bad for the guy. Then I realize he asked for it and the Chuck abides.
RuRu is making waffles for Truant Jenny Humphrey and rips her a new one. He can’t believe he spends so much money on a school that she doesn’t even attend. She gives him a few “But Dad, you don’t understand” lines. Blah blah blah.
B confronts BtG about taking over her throne at school and BtG just regurgitates what Poppy Lifton told her before. B is not happy and I can’t wait for her to exact her revenge on BtG.
BtB thinks he’s all hot shit since he had one date with a hot mess of a guy. His mentor still doesn’t like his writing and encourages him to instead write from the point of view of this “Charlie Trout” character to find out what makes him tick. WTF?! Charlie Trout? A wise architecture champion once told me “You don’t have to like your nickname!” But what about other people’s nicknames. I’m no, Proust, but I think the names I’ve come up with a far better than Charlie Trout. I will never get over that and the fact that I once felt bad for BtB. What kind of writer is he?
Back at the fashion show…again…someone is messing with the seating chart…again. B puts BtG way in the back but Jenny steps in to save the day for BtG. I’m really hoping that this whole seating chart thing has a multiple episode story arch. It’s just such good television.
But we do get some relief from this riveting story line. Close up of Perfection sitting in a lounge, calling his dad to see if he wants to get his drink on, aww. Bart shoots him down, he has better things to do. In walks BtB, coming back for another date and, unfortunately, Perfection is down and out and willing. These two had BETTER not become friends. Lovers, maybe, but not friends. BtB starts asking if Perfection had a happy childhood and how his dad is doing. BtB’s line of questioning is so obvious, that’s probably how he writes too. Perfection leaves their table to go solicit a girl who turns out to not be a hooker; we’ve all made that mistake. The not-hooker’s boyfriend gets pissed and BtB steps in to punch out the douche bag. I think this is like BtB and Perfection getting to second base.
RuRu is trusting Jenny Jenny Truancy less and less when the headmistress calls to say that Jenny still isn’t showing up to school.
Guess what, that fashion show is still going on. Yes, in the amount of time a fashion show takes BtB and Perfection have gone on a man-date, BtB has written a story and shown it to his mentor and then gone on another date. B finds out that Jenny is in charge of all the models so she sends them home to sabotage Jenny…because that won’t ruin her mother or anything like that.
Perfection and BtB are now in jail for their little bar brawl and Perfection actually thanks BtB for saving his beautiful face from being beaten to a pulp. He also tells BtB he’s lucky that RuRu cares about him. Perfection goes on to say his father hates him because the love of Bart’s life died giving birth to Perfection. See, BtG that’s how you really kill someone, Perfection is a real murderer. Perfection’s mom must’ve been really hot since Perfection looks nothing like Bart. I feel so bad for him. I think this is an attempt to get everyone to love Perfection, but not me. I’ve loved him all along, he had me at “I’ll have to chef cook you up a grilled cheese with truffles” from episode 2 season 1, look it up. Can you imagine a grilled cheese with TRUFFLES?!
It turns out that Bart bought Lily’s Mapplethorpe, but wants no one to ever see it, like he’s ashamed of Lily’s skank past. He says he doesn’t want anyone to use it against them. Lily confronts him about looking into her past, he hands her an envelope and she’s very surprised by what’s in it. Blackmail! We don’t get to see it, but something tells me she’s probably killed someone at some point in her life. Bart is one sick bastard; at least his son makes it look good.
The epic fashion show still hasn’t happened, all the models are gone. Jenny saves the day AGAIN by asking Poppy, BtG and their other socialite friends to fill in for the real models as if that would be easy. In a last ditch attempt to screw Jenny, B gives BtG Jenny’s after party dress to wear as the finale. Jenny’s homemade dress steals the show and it looks like Eleanor is going to be pissed. B stands up for Jenny and explains that Jenny didn’t try to steal the show. I really hope B and Jenny go after BtG, because the only thing Jenny is good for is helping B destroy people.
Perfection’s lawyer bails him out and it looks like Perfection is going to bail out BtB as well. But as Perf is getting his personal belongings he is accidently given BtB’s instead. He sees that BtB has been taking notes the whole time they’ve been dating. He goes back to the jail cell to tell him off and adds that he lied about his mother. She really died in a plane crash in the Andes and was eaten by a Uruguayan rugby team. Okay, not the last part, but he totally set me up for that.
BtB calls his old man mentor to bail him out. Old man asks him what he found out about Trout. BtB is too goody two shoes that he just can’t tell him about his breakthrough with Perfection. BtB doesn’t kiss and tell.
Okay, that fashion show is FINALLY over and Eleanor is toasting Jenny for saving the day (which she wouldn’t have had to do if Eleanor’s own daughter hadn’t tried to ruin everything). RuRu is there to overhear this. BtG and B have a big heart to heart and BtG tells B she’s insecure. From now on BtG is going to be just who she is; a boring murderer with bad taste in guys and B had better just support that.
Jenny and RuRu have their own heart to heart about Jenny’s design career. She doesn’t want to go to school anymore and only wants to pursue fashion. I really can’t remember what comes of this.
We end with Bart burying Lily’s secret with jewelry and the good life. She’s such a sell out. This is the woman who left he rock star BF RuRu to get it on with Trent Reznor (at least that’s what she said in season 1). Why is she putting up with Bart Bass? Oh, that’s right, she loves money and now she’s being blackmailed.
My predictions are Jenny will continue to skip school and do it so much that Eugene Levy is forced to track her and her twin sister through the streets of New York where hilarious high jinks ensue. B will get Jenny to do awesomely horrible things to BtG. BtB and Perfection will go on date number three where they will awkwardly discuss “where this is going” and Nate and Loch Ness will come back and be poor together.
The "Real" Serena: That's Not Real to Me
Last week we were promised a glimpse at "the real Serena" as Perfection put it. Apparently the "real Serena" is just as boring, but more stupid. But more of that later.
So Boring the Boy and Boring the Girl are officially broken up and neither of them are looking forward to the first day of school. Little Jenny Humphry is venting to RuRu and her dull brother about how she's going to be tormented by Blair and her posse. Silly Little Jenny, she thinks she matters.
At school, Blair is telling Boring the Girl all the rules of post-breakup behavior, whoever dates again first wins. If that's the case, I really lost the post breakup game in my last relationship. So Blair and Boring the Girl see Boring the Boy talking to a the new girl (this girl likes books) and automatically assume they're married. Blair vows to stop New Girl from dating Boring the Girl's ex, and Boring the Girl barely fights her on it. They do all this immature stuff that only high schoolers would do, oh wait, and this causes Boring the Girl and Boring the Boy to constantly accuse each other and apologize back and forth in such a pathetic manner that neither of them can be taken seriously EVER again.
Meanwhile, Cougar slums it for a bit (goes to Brooklyn) to pay Nessa a visit. She thanks Nessa for breaking it off with her little cub Nate Archibald and gives Nessa a check for $5000. Since Nessa is of a higher moral standing than myself, she goes to Cougar's house to return the check. After the butler tells her she can leave it on the table, Nessie ventures further in to the Cougar's den and spots Cougar getting it on with Marcus! Yes, the Cougar is doing her stepson, I love this show! Nessie takes a picture with her phone (all of a sudden everyone and their dog takes pictures of every little thing they see. It's like calling a press conference on One Tree Hill Season 4) and then calls Boring the Boy. He tells her she needs to take the pictures to Blair, she'll know what to do with them. Wow, I can't believe he said something that makes sense.
Nessie shows the pic to B and she's obviously upset by the news. She tells Nessie to NEVER tell anyone about it and that she would take care of it. So, Nessie just has to DO NOTHING, her job is OVER, I'd just like to stress that. B confronts Cougar and Marcus Bland and gets them to leave town, pay Cubby's daddy's restitution and swear not to tell the whereabouts of Cubby's dad. In the meantime, Loch Ness gets impatient that B "hasn't done anything" yet (even though it's only been about fifteen minutes since they spoke) so she takes matters into her own hands. She visits the Duke, Cougar's husband, herself and tells him everything. Flash forward to B ripping Loch Ness a new one for ruining everything. The Duke sent Bland and Cougar back to Europe, but Cubby's family gets nothing! Loch Ness then realizes that she will never amount to anything on this show because she's poor (and lives in Brooklyn). Holla, Queens! Cubby then tells Nessie that they aren't friends anymore. But since they're now in the same tax bracket he should really rethink that.
Lily is back in town and wants to hook up with RuRu. He wants nothing to do with her because he's dating someone. Yeah, she's such a major character that she doesn't even really have a name. It's so obvious that Lily and RuRu are going to end up together. Then Boring the Boy and Boring the Girl will be step siblings and that would pretty much be the green light for them to get back together (at least on this show it would be).
Perfection wasn't featured in this episode as much as he should've been, but he still got a lot done. First, he was instrumental in Boring the Boy meeting New Girl. He also supplied the tube of depilatory cream that Penelope spilled on New Girl's hair. Is anyone else surprised that Penelope didn't forget her martini glass was full of depilatory cream and drink it? Especially when she clinked glasses with that other girl. But here's a twist...in the end we see Perfection paying New Girl for her troubles and playing her part. Whoa, this is something out of the Usual Suspects. I think New Girl just earned herself a new name, goodbye New Girl, hello Keyser Soze.
We are left with only pieces of this puzzle, but here's what I think is happening: Perfection, for some ridiculous reason, wants to get it on with Boring the Girl. Case in point, he wakes her up one morning by caressing her arm with a flower (he's very Tyler by Toadies in that way). You're all probably wondering how he's going to do that (if it were me, he'd just have to ask). He's going to do that by getting Boring the Boy to date another girl (pays Keyser Soze to pretend she likes books), then do bad things to Keyser Soze so Boring the Boy blames it on Boring the Girl. Since Boring the Girl still "loves" (I use quotes because they are in high school) Boring the Boy this will send her over the edge. When she's come undone at the seams, she will become a manipulated mess willing to do anything to get back at Boring the Boy. And by anything, I mean get it on with her vision of perfection stepbrother, who coincidently is named Perfection. Oh, and BTW, the "real Serena"? She drinks martinis and pretends that some lacrosse douche is interesting. She's so edgy. I can't believe I was waiting all week to find that out. For a murderer, Boring the Girl is very, well, boring.
So Boring the Boy and Boring the Girl are officially broken up and neither of them are looking forward to the first day of school. Little Jenny Humphry is venting to RuRu and her dull brother about how she's going to be tormented by Blair and her posse. Silly Little Jenny, she thinks she matters.
At school, Blair is telling Boring the Girl all the rules of post-breakup behavior, whoever dates again first wins. If that's the case, I really lost the post breakup game in my last relationship. So Blair and Boring the Girl see Boring the Boy talking to a the new girl (this girl likes books) and automatically assume they're married. Blair vows to stop New Girl from dating Boring the Girl's ex, and Boring the Girl barely fights her on it. They do all this immature stuff that only high schoolers would do, oh wait, and this causes Boring the Girl and Boring the Boy to constantly accuse each other and apologize back and forth in such a pathetic manner that neither of them can be taken seriously EVER again.
Meanwhile, Cougar slums it for a bit (goes to Brooklyn) to pay Nessa a visit. She thanks Nessa for breaking it off with her little cub Nate Archibald and gives Nessa a check for $5000. Since Nessa is of a higher moral standing than myself, she goes to Cougar's house to return the check. After the butler tells her she can leave it on the table, Nessie ventures further in to the Cougar's den and spots Cougar getting it on with Marcus! Yes, the Cougar is doing her stepson, I love this show! Nessie takes a picture with her phone (all of a sudden everyone and their dog takes pictures of every little thing they see. It's like calling a press conference on One Tree Hill Season 4) and then calls Boring the Boy. He tells her she needs to take the pictures to Blair, she'll know what to do with them. Wow, I can't believe he said something that makes sense.
Nessie shows the pic to B and she's obviously upset by the news. She tells Nessie to NEVER tell anyone about it and that she would take care of it. So, Nessie just has to DO NOTHING, her job is OVER, I'd just like to stress that. B confronts Cougar and Marcus Bland and gets them to leave town, pay Cubby's daddy's restitution and swear not to tell the whereabouts of Cubby's dad. In the meantime, Loch Ness gets impatient that B "hasn't done anything" yet (even though it's only been about fifteen minutes since they spoke) so she takes matters into her own hands. She visits the Duke, Cougar's husband, herself and tells him everything. Flash forward to B ripping Loch Ness a new one for ruining everything. The Duke sent Bland and Cougar back to Europe, but Cubby's family gets nothing! Loch Ness then realizes that she will never amount to anything on this show because she's poor (and lives in Brooklyn). Holla, Queens! Cubby then tells Nessie that they aren't friends anymore. But since they're now in the same tax bracket he should really rethink that.
Lily is back in town and wants to hook up with RuRu. He wants nothing to do with her because he's dating someone. Yeah, she's such a major character that she doesn't even really have a name. It's so obvious that Lily and RuRu are going to end up together. Then Boring the Boy and Boring the Girl will be step siblings and that would pretty much be the green light for them to get back together (at least on this show it would be).
Perfection wasn't featured in this episode as much as he should've been, but he still got a lot done. First, he was instrumental in Boring the Boy meeting New Girl. He also supplied the tube of depilatory cream that Penelope spilled on New Girl's hair. Is anyone else surprised that Penelope didn't forget her martini glass was full of depilatory cream and drink it? Especially when she clinked glasses with that other girl. But here's a twist...in the end we see Perfection paying New Girl for her troubles and playing her part. Whoa, this is something out of the Usual Suspects. I think New Girl just earned herself a new name, goodbye New Girl, hello Keyser Soze.
We are left with only pieces of this puzzle, but here's what I think is happening: Perfection, for some ridiculous reason, wants to get it on with Boring the Girl. Case in point, he wakes her up one morning by caressing her arm with a flower (he's very Tyler by Toadies in that way). You're all probably wondering how he's going to do that (if it were me, he'd just have to ask). He's going to do that by getting Boring the Boy to date another girl (pays Keyser Soze to pretend she likes books), then do bad things to Keyser Soze so Boring the Boy blames it on Boring the Girl. Since Boring the Girl still "loves" (I use quotes because they are in high school) Boring the Boy this will send her over the edge. When she's come undone at the seams, she will become a manipulated mess willing to do anything to get back at Boring the Boy. And by anything, I mean get it on with her vision of perfection stepbrother, who coincidently is named Perfection. Oh, and BTW, the "real Serena"? She drinks martinis and pretends that some lacrosse douche is interesting. She's so edgy. I can't believe I was waiting all week to find that out. For a murderer, Boring the Girl is very, well, boring.
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