So I haven't written in a few weeks but I have a good reason for my absence. Gossip Girl got way too hot. After a few weeks of cold showers and a shopping trip to Mercer Street, I'm back and better than ever.
Here's what has happened. Blair and Perfection almost do it, like, five times. They play with Loch Ness' emotions as if she's not even a real person (I loved it!). They get all breathy and hot, Perfection almost tells B he loves her, she almost says it to him and then Perf states the obvious: They're Chuck and Blair, only capable of cat and mouse sex games and that's how it will always be. He's so right, but he says maybe they can be more in the future. No Perfection! High school is all you have!
Boring the Girl is dating the ugliest guy ever! He's this artist who seems to be screwing every girl in NYC and he uses BtG and since she's stupid she falls for his ugliness. He is so hideous that I have a physical reaction to him every time he comes on screen. His hair looks like a horrible wig, he has a narrow butt chin and a weaselly, little mouth. He speaks like he's intimidated by everything, but he's this perceptive artist. I really wonder if this is part of the show, like if they will acknowledge how ugly he is in a future episode. It has to be part of the show. BtG "grows up" and decides she can date a guy who is dating the rest of the world.
Boring the Boy became best friends with Nate after he found out that Nate was squatting in his family's foreclosed townhouse. Nate moves in with D.Humps (he's not Boring anymore, but he's still a D-Sack and knows it) in BK and totally puts the moves on a very willing Jenny. D.Humps flips out because I guess this is the worst thing he can imagine happening to his sister and he totally goes off on Nate for it. But Hypocrite Humps has no problem going on dates with Perfection, aka the guy who tried to rape his sister on a rooftop, because he could get a good story out of it. IDIOT! He deserves the worst things and if any of you think otherwise it's because you're totally falling for his self-righteous bullshit disguised as "I'm just a poor kid from Brooklyn trying to do the right thing" act. So D.Humps gets a job writing an expose about Bart Bass for New York Magazine. Note to self, I need to send NY Magazine a sample of my work and start my professional writing career. I mean, if they'll hire a 17-year-old to write an expose they'd have to hire me.
D.Humps gets his juicy story on Bart Bass. Back in the 80s one of Bart's failed condo deals burned down and a guy died. Bart wrote it off for the insurance money and launched his empire. Accident? Probably, but D.Humps totally eats it up and writes the story. Perfection realizes what D.Humps is doing calls him out on it in front of Bart, who I forgot to mention, started dating D.Humps in the beginning of the newest episode. Perf begs, no threatens, D.Humps if he publishes the story. Perf says he'll destroy him. What that specifically entails is beyond me, but I can only imagine it's HORRIBLE. Since D.Humps is the moral authority on this show he instead sends Bart his original short story about Perfection titled "5.19.91", the day Perfection killed his mom. After reading it, Bart apologizes to his son for giving him the impression that he hates him and invites him to a hockey game. Aww. This is actually a very heart-warming scene. I also feel a lot closer to Perfection since he and I share a birthday. We were both born in the only month worth being born in and I'm exactly ten years older than him. Looks like I'm the Cougar and he's my Marcus.
Jenny has gone from being a lowly intern to a girl who wears way too much black eyeliner. In other words, she leaves Eleanor's atelier at the urging of an ugly, short, young model to start her own line with the ugly, short model as her coked up business partner. They stage a guerrilla fashion show during an awards function for Lily and Bart. Jenny moves out of the Hump House and moves in with Agnes the Unfortunate Looking Model. They try to get an agent but they fight during the meetings. Agnes goes off the deep end and torches Jenny's designs. Well, you know what they say "You should never trust an ugly, short model". How unrealistic is this girl as a model? She's shorter then Taylor Momsen who is only 5'7" tall at the most, I looked it up. In the end Jenny is thinking of emancipating herself from RuRu and her mom so she can start her own business. This is such a great idea since Jenny makes such sound decisions. She'll be on heroin before the season is over. I mean, she already has the eyeliner that will run perfectly down her tear streaked cheeks when she's begging on the streets. Well done, Little Jenny, you're sure gonna show them.
B is totally in love with the idea of her mother's new boyfriend Cy until she meets him in person and sees that he's that guy from The Princess Bride who always says "inconceivable!". I guess he's not up to her standards. He tells her that he cheated on his first wife with the love of his life who ended up dying. It was a really heartfelt conversation, but B tells her mom that he cheated on his first wife and left out all the details. Elle dumps him at B's 18 birthday party. But what is this? Cyndi Lauper shows up at B's party because Cy bought out her concert and told her to come to the party. Cyndi is B and Elle's favorite, okay and "Inconceivable" wasn't good enough for her mom? Back in the day B and Elle used to dance around to Girls Just Want to Have Fun. But I thought Elle wasn't really there for B. I'd really like to have a talk with the writers of GG because their writing is very inconsistant. Elle and Inconceivable get back together and he's going to move in with them. B isn't happy, but when is she?
So in the end of this week's episode, D.Humps is a douchebag disguising himself as a saint, Perfection finally has a dad, Jenny is homeless and humbled, BtG is still stupid and a waste of natural resources and B is scheming, but she's targeting the wrong guy. Nate was nowhere to be seen, he was probably waiting in line for food stamps. This is a recession you know.
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