At first I wasn’t going to bother writing a recap for this episode of Gossip Girl since the CW has been telling us all week that this was “un-missable”. I assumed this meant that no matter how hard you tried you would somehow end up watching it whether you liked it or not. I was surprised that they didn’t run it on all the major networks…anyway.
You’ll never guess what time it is, Senior Snowflake Charity Ball time!!!!! Blair is so pumped for this and Boring the Girl is so over it. Remember, she’s dating an older guy for his personality (definitely not his looks). She’s mature enough to overlook such things. Perfection interrupts them to shoot down all of Blair’s potential dates. She totally got served and ends up crossing off every guy she had on her list. I would’ve expected some sort of flow chart or bar graph from Blair, not a plain, ordinary list.
BtG runs into D-Sack in the hall at school and boredom ensues!! BtG shows him the rare book she bought for the Big Ole Ugly at a rare bookstore that D-Sack introduced her to. What? No sex as a gift this year? It looks like both D-Sack and BtG are going to the ball solo. BtG proudly informs us that the BOU is cool with her being friends with her ex because he’s friends with his ex, Lexy, and as a matter of fact, she’s going to be in town for the weekend.
Little Jenny is re-arranging RuRu’s record collection at the Hump House because there’s nothing else for her to do (like go back to school) since her design career stalled. Nessa interrupts her. Jenny says she can’t figure out what happened with Nate and why a serious relationship never developed (those, of course, were not her exact words). Nessa just says gives her a rambling, “yeah, I wonder what happened”, sort of answer. Nessa gets a call from Nate and instead of saying it’s him she alludes to it being RuRu asking for help at the gallery. Out walks Nessa, in walks Penelope asking, no demanding, that Jenny make her a dress for the Snowflake Ball. Jenny says she’s expensive, Penny answers, “Better be”. Oh man, Penelope must be so rich if she can insist that someone charge her more money in order to make her feel better. Did I say rich, I meant dense.
Lily is organizing the ball. Her main squeeze RuRu shows up to do the sound for the biggest holiday party of the year. Lily tells him she hasn’t spoken to Bart since Thanksgiving, it’s cool though, they have all the time in the world to talk, or do they?!?!?! Lily asks if RuRu will be at the ball, he doesn’t know if he’ll go, chasing after his married ex-girlfriend/ love of his life at a high school dance is so cliché. But Lily asks him to save her a dance. Bart shows up after RuRu takes off. He NEEDS to talk to Lily.
BtG and D-Sack take a trip to the gallery where they meet Lexy. She’s criticizing the BOU’s work saying it looks like it’s from the Gap. She refers to the subject as “Blondie” and then realizes that BtG is standing right there. I went to college with a guy exactly like Lexy. He went so far as to say that anyone who does commercial art is a whore. If only he could see me now, happily designing things with Disney characters and writing recaps of Gossip Girl. Jealous? Thought so.
Nate is locking lips with the Loch Ness Monster on the street. He stops long enough to ask if she told Jenny about them. Nate thinks Little J blew him off since she didn’t respond to the letter that Nessa stole. A random girl takes their picture with her camera phone. If this were One Tree Hill I’d yell, “Call a press conference!”
Penny asks Jenny whatever happened with her and Nate and then tells her that she is going to ask Nate to the Snowflake Ball. Penny, please. They both get texts from Gossip Girl of Nate and Nessa canoodling!
Bart tells Lily that he hasn’t been a husband for a while, so he’s learning how to treat a wife all over again. He’s fired his private detectives, but that’s not enough for Lily. She was probably hoping he would fire the PIs AND suggest they pursue a poly-amorous relationship with RuRu. Bart says he’ll do anything to make it up to her. She wants him to accompany her to the ball.
BtG is offended by what Lexy said and surprise, surprise the BOU doesn’t know what she’s talking about. The BOU says, “She’s just an art douche, like that guy Skinny & Single went to college with”. No, but he says something that completely excuses Lexy’s behavior and undermines BtG feelings. Ugly AND insensitive, BtG hit the jackpot on this one. At the gallery’s café, Lexy is flirting with D-Sack by asking him if they serve poop coffee, she’s so worldly. He flirts back for some reason. Out of jealousy BtG asks the BOU, her boyfriend, to be her date for the ball, to get back at her ex-boyfriend for talking to her current boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. BtG must have the Chinese character for “maturity” tramp stamped on her lower back. In the meantime, D-Sack has offered to give Lexy a walking tour of BK.
Nessa has the nerve to show up at the Hump House and Jenny is livid! Nessa tells her she’s “sorry”. She probably nursed an injured squirrel back to health and then cut the ribbon at the opening of a new pediatric AIDS center on her way over to Jenny’s house so she thinks it is okay that she totally betrayed her friend. Nessie feeds her some bullshit about how she understands that Jenny is upset. This isn’t going to work on the new hardcore Jenny. She might have fallen for that excuse of an apology a few weeks ago, but she’s lived on the streets, been dicked over by a short and ugly model, almost divorced her parents and graduated from the school of hard knocks. Nessa better watch it. By the way, Jenny, Nessa is going to the ball with Nate.
Perfection is playing the piano and is doing a pretty good job (they should’ve had him playing the French horn, it would’ve added to his mystery), when Blair walks in. She’s still in a tizzy about who her date is going to be for a ball so big that we’ve only just heard of it now. They decide to play a little game. They will each choose a date for the other. If Blair chooses someone Perfection actually falls for then she gets his limo, I would’ve asked for his “limo”, for a month. If she falls for the date he chooses for her, then he gets Dorota for a month. WHAT?! This was actually Perfection’s idea! Could that be considered human trafficking, because it is really making me crave some brie.
The four dullest people in all of NYC are on a walking tour of BK. D-Sack confesses to all of them that he worries about what people will think of him, that’s why he never knocked on Norman Mailer’s door, even though he knew where he lived. Lexy is shocked to hear that the BOU is going to a ball with a blonde girl. So Lexy starts hinting that D-Sack should take her to the ball that she thinks is lame. It looks like two sets of exes are going to the same dance. Then the BOU casually tells BtG that Lexy likes to fuck on the first date in order to stick it to the man and break down stereotypes and all that. He adds that Lexy doesn’t date THAT many people. This show is so effing TAME!!!! And like every other asshole thing the BOU throws at BtG, she is so totally cool with this, no really, she is.
Bart confronts Perfection about giving the VD-Woodsens their secret files. Perf shows no remorse. What does Bart expect? He neglects him until just a few weeks ago and when his hot mess of a son follows in his footsteps he’s completely taken aback. I hope they both enjoyed that moment together, it’s sad that they didn’t take the opportunity to say “I love you”.
Little J delivers Penelope’s dress to her house where all the filler characters are hanging out. They don’t want J around because she’s friends with Nessa and Nessa is dating in their pond, and the thing about ponds is you only want your own kind in there, unless of course, they are designing party dresses for you; I guess can’t buy smarts. One of these back shelf characters bought a dress that turns out to be see-through. I hope she insisted the seamstress charge her at least 30% more than the dress was worth. They all decide to sabotage Nessa, Jenny included, by giving her the see-through dress and then shining a spotlight on her at the dance. And then at the sleepover after the dance, they’re going to freeze her bra and put one of her hands in a pan of cold water and her other hand in a pan of hot water!
Blair is very excited about her choice of a date for Perfection. BtG warns her that it’s not easy to see your ex with someone else. BtG wants to warn D-Sack about the sex coming his way, but doesn’t know how. Blair is shocked out of her gourd to find out that BtG and the BOU haven’t done it yet. She actually calls him BtG’s “hot” boyfriend. They threw that line in on purpose. B could’ve said she was shocked they haven’t had sex because he was dating a lot of people before or because he’s older. The writers are trying to put the idea in our heads that The Big Ole Ugly is attractive. Do not fall for this!
Nessa is surprised when Jenny pays her a visit. Jenny has brought a peace offering in the form of a see-through dress. Loch Ness gladly accepts it.
B is lecturing Dorota about her date picks for Perfection. Dorota has joined Facebook to find Perfection a date. And she didn’t come across me? B tells her Perf likes virgins, like Telly from KIDS. You’d think Dorota would try a little harder since if he likes the girl then she’ll get to be with him for a month.
D-Sack calls BtG to ask if the Sexy Lexy thing is cool. Ever the people pleaser, she lies and says it is. The Big Ole Ugly looks horrible even in his tux. BtG tells him that there’s something she wants to do really quick before they go. Desperate much?
Lily gets a call from Andrew Tyler, Bart’s PI, the one he said he fired. She leaves Bart a message telling him not to come to the ball. I think missing the Snowflake Ball will help Bart to learn his lesson about spying on family.
We’re at the ball and it’s lame! These people do not know how to dance, the music sucks and the dresses aren’t very pretty. Perfection meets his date. She’s Blair, except a few years younger. And Perf has picked out his own mini version of himself for Blair. The awkwardness continues when Lexy happily informs D-Sack that the BOU and BtG are going to engage in intercourse tonight. He’s disturbed by this and rightly so. Perfection and Blair are discussing their bootleg versions of each other and neither is willing to concede.
Lily runs into RuRu at the dance and tells him she’s leaving Bart. It has nothing to do with RuRu and she expects nothing from RuRu except a dance. Lexy and the BOU are dancing as BtG and D-Sack are standing around thinking about all the sex the other is going to have tonight. BtG finally informs D-Sack of Lexy’s plan to break down walls with him and he’s actually surprised, but not tuned off by it. BtG is pissed at his reaction because she thought sex meant something to him. He makes a joke and she leaves, upset.
Nessa asks Jenny what she’s doing at the ball. Um, Nessa, Jenny has more of a reason to be there than you do. Nessa tells her that she’s going to end things with Nate tonight. This makes Jenny feel guilty about the nakedness dress. Nessa returns to Nate and tells him that she’s never felt this way about anyone and then confesses that she stole the letter (but read to a group of senior citizens right after she did it). She turns to walk away and the Filler Girls turn the spotlight on her and it’s really not so bad. They all laugh, but J feels bad and Nate looks ticked. He is totally OVER this high school bullshit. He tells Jenny that Nessa didn’t deserve public humiliation. Nate tells J about the letter Nessa stole. He says he’s glad she didn’t get it because she’s not who he thought she was.
Perfection and Blair find their bootleg versions making out. The Bootlegs tell them they were on the roof, it was so beautiful. Perfection is proud…so did Bootleg Chuck rape Bootleg Blair up there? The only other roof happening in the history of this show is when Perf tried to rape Jenny in season 1. B is upset that even their cheap knock offs can make it work, but the two designer originals just can’t seem to get together.
Lily is still venting to RuRu about leaving Bart, she never thought her life would turn out the way it has. The poor thing, she never knew that marrying for money didn’t always pan out. RuRu tells her to smile and fake it, he let her go on her wedding day because he couldn’t give her what she needed. Notice he says “needed” not “deserved”. I love Lily, but she did this to herself. She had to have known the billionaire she was marrying was the sleazy kind. Perfection witnesses the entire conversation and calls Bart.
Bart is in the limo with his former PI, he’s not too happy to hear that Lily is with RuRu. But before Perfection called he was actually telling the PI that he no longer needed him. After the phone call he asks the PI what he found out about Lily. Lily runs into “Charles” and he angrily tells her that she was actually good for Bart. Perf goes on to say that he always liked her even if he never showed it. He’s making me sad, he doesn’t know how to show love. That’s why he can’t be with Blair and that’s why he’s an ass to Lily even though he likes her.
Nate catches Nessa getting into a cab and asks if she shouldn’t be taking the subway instead. Okay, he asks her if there’s anything else besides the letter. He says she’s the one he wants to be with. He kisses her and they leave together; Little J is watching from the shadows. Penny and the Fillers confront J about trying to warn Nessa. They call her pathetic, but she is quick to inform them that Nessa is tens times to person any of them will ever be. That’s a pretty big insult, in my opinion. Their comeback is something about it being easy for J to say that hiding out in the slums of NYC. J says, “We’ll just have to see about that,” or something like it. It looks like Jenny is going to go back to school out of spite. That’s the same way BtG picked Yale!
Back at the dance, they’re still playing bad music and Perfection asks Blair to dance. She says it’s not going to change them. Perfection says they have tonight, so shut up and dance with him. I’d like to point out that Perfection’s jacket is sequined.
Lily receives a restricted call on her cell. She’s shocked by whatever she’s hearing. Lexy and D-Sack are figuring out what to do next when BtG asks for a word alone with D-Sack. She apologizes and he says it’s not necessary. But she says she wanted to clear the air before he fucks that girl. He reassures her that the Christmas sex they had last year was meaningful and the greatest night of his life. It was the greatest night of her life too. Lily interrupts them with some real news, Bart has been in an accident!!!!!
I have to say this is a great cliffhanger…until the scenes for next week’s episode show everyone in black walking in what looks like a cemetery. I may be getting ahead of myself with this one…but I think Bart is dead. But I guess everyone could’ve been at a funeral for his private detective. Perfection looks all disheveled, his hair is, for the first time, not slicked back. The voice overs keep asking what exactly Perfection knows about Lily. There’s also something about him selling the story to the highest bidder and a shot of Lily slapping “Charles” across the face.
My predictions are Perfection will go crazy over the death of his only relative and seek revenge on the person he sees as being solely responsible for Bart’s death, Lily. He’ll go all Harry Osborn on us and Lily will become his Peter Parker/Spider-Man. I guess that makes RuRu their Mary Jane.
And maybe now this prayer, the last one of its kind
Won’t you please come get your baby, maybe
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