Avada Kedavra

Bart Bass is dead, but don’t worry, he’s left quite a legacy. Mr. Cheney-Bass was richer than Bloomberg and developed more real estate than Trump (but I wonder if his buildings were made of shiny, classy gold like Trump’s). It’s the morning of Bart’s funeral and Boring the Girl, who is dressed like an actual 17-year-old, is having breakfast with Eric and Lily’s mother. Lily has been working non-stop on Bart’s funeral as a way to deal with his death. The whole world seems to be impressed with the hot photo the New York Times decided to use for Bart’s obituary, so thoughtful. Blair and Inconceivable are chowing down on breakfast at their apartment and someone finally thinks to ask how Perfection is. Well, no one has seen him, but the hotel keeps sending food to his room, really these people are so thoughtful.

D-Sack stops by the House of Bass to see BtG, he’s been such a rock (dense) for her. The Big Ole Ugly walks in to see how his boring girlfriend is doing and surprise, surprise, she’s okay. Imagine that. Her stepfather of a few months whom she had no real relationship with dies and she’s okay. Now what about Bart’s real son?!! The hot one who’s emotionally vulnerable right now?

RuRu and Lily are walking in Central Park. Lily feels guilty for casting the Death Curse on Bart while he was on his way to the ball to win her back. RuRu says he’ll wait for her as long as it takes. Lily’s bitch of a mom sees RuRu as he exits the park. How many exits are there to Central Park? And she just happens to see him leave?

Perfection finally gets some screen time and he’s beautifully disheveled. He’s in the bar ignoring everyone’s calls. He meets with his father’s former private detective and this guy doesn’t have a scratch on him, this bothers me for two reasons. How can you be involved in a car accident with someone (neither person is buckled up) who dies and not even have a scratch on you? Some have suggested that the PI got out of the car before the accident happened. Okay, that’s possible, but then wouldn’t you be at least a little shaken at the fact that you cheated death? Anyway, Perfection wants to know everything the PI found on Lily. The dickhead PI goes on and on about how much money both Lily and Perfection are going to get in the will, like losing your dad is the most awesome thing that can happen to a person! Then Magnum P.Idiot says he’s going to wait to see who’s willing to pay more for the info, Perf or Lily. Wow, Bart had really great friends. Perf is quiet and deliberate.

Lily “Bellatrix Lestrange” listens to the last message Bart left her. He says he needs to talk to her and not about her getting cozy with her ex RuRu, but about why she was really in that hopital-Francais, ooh la la.


Bart’s funeral is fancy!! D-Sack and the BOU are both standing outside the chapel. They both get a text from BtG, but D-Sack’s comes through first. Sweet! He totally won that one. Jenny arrives for some reason and then the VD-Woodsens, all wearing huge sunglasses. You know what Rachel Zoe always says, “A big pair of sunglasses are like a huge ‘do not disturb sign’.” So true Rachel. BtG half hugs her awful, ugly boyfriend and then fully embraces her ex-BF, D-Sack. D-Sack two points, BOU zero, yes, I’m keeping score, this is a funeral after all. Mother VD-Woodsen asks Lily if RuRu is coming, how inappropriate would that be?!

Now come the tears, I cried three times during this episode, real tears. Well, done Gossip Girl writers. So Blair and Nate are walking an extremely drunk Perfection from the limo into the chapel and I must say Ed Westwick is a very good actor. His drunk acting is very convincing and not cheesy at all. He’s totally getting an Emmy for this one, just like Wall-E is getting a Best Picture Oscar nomination. Cry #1: Perf goes ballistic when he sees D-Sack at his father’s funeral. He is a hot mess. He screams in D-Sack’s face saying that RuRu is the reason Bart is dead. He’s so tragic. D-Sack decides to leave because Perfection actually has a right to be there and he doesn’t. BtG has the nerve to say she wants him to stay. Bitch please, this is not your father’s funeral. No one even knows who your father is. Perf is on a rampage and Lily is next. He calls her a whore after she tells him they all need family now. Perf, on the verge of tears, tells Bellatrix Lestrange that he has no family!!! I totally just lost it. I dry my tears during the commercial break.

RuRu is singing back at the loft in BK when D-Sack walks in. When asked why he’s back so soon from the funeral, D-Sack tells him about Perfection spouting off all that jazz about RuRu casting the Death Curse on Bart. D-Sack asks what he could’ve meant by that.

At the House of Bass the funeral reception is underway. Perf is looking like Heath Ledger’s Joker, he’s in really tough shape. Blair is really concerned about him and rightly so. Nate tells her she’s very maternal toward Perfection. All this funeral business is making Inconceivable want to get married Eleanor Waldorf tomorrow! Elle likes the idea, but of course, Blair isn’t happy. Jenny overhears Elle saying she’ll need a dress and Jenny says she’ll make it for her. The BOU gives BtG a ticket to Buenos Aires for Christmas, what about the gift of sex? She says she can’t go because her family is in mourning. He asks if she really can’t leave D-Sack, he’s perceptive. She says they’re just friends.

Mother VD-Woodsen wants Lily to tell her what Perfection knows about her past. Lily says she doesn’t know and doesn’t have the mental capacity to go head to head with Perfection, I’ll say. Mother gets an important call and leaves. In another room Perfection is going through Bart’s things when Lily walks in. He can’t even look at her. She tells him it’s no one’s fault and he tells her it’s hers. She slaps him!!! He informs her that once he gets his money they’ll never see him again. Eric steps in and says he’s lost a stepfather, don’t make him lose a brother. Perfection looks Eric right in the eye and says they were never family. This breaks my heart! Don’t hurt Eric!

Mother tells Lily that the PI came asking for money to smother the story. Mother always told her not to tell, now Mother wants the story to come out. Lily doesn’t and tells her to pay the PI to keep quiet.

Blair runs after Perfection and wants to help him. He says she’s not his girlfriend. She tells him she’ll stand by him because…she loves him!! Cry #2: With his red, swollen eyes filling with tears, he tells her that’s just too bad and leaves in the limo. Tears are pouring down my face at this point, I was an emotional wreck. And did Bart not leave anyone in charge of Perfection. He has no one to hold him accountable, no one to look after him. It’s actually really sad.

BtG and D-Sack are walking in the rain in BK. She tells him about her ugly tickets to Buenos Aires. She reminds him that they were in the middle of a conversation about their futures when Bart died, what a sensitive step daughter. She wants D-Sack to ask her to stay. He says “go if you want to”. See, stupid girl, playing mind games will get you nowhere.

Inconceivable tells Blair he loves her and she says she loves him. She confides in him about Perfection saying something about how only a masochist (Blair) could love a narcissist (Perfection). Her future step father hugs her and tells her it will be alright.

Lily asks Mother what happened with the PI and she tells her it’s over. Mother asks what she going to about loving RuRu. Lily has tried to fight it for long enough. BtG walks in to hear this and says, “So that’s why [Perfection] was so upset?” BtG says she should’ve seen this coming. Lily tells her RuRu wants to be with her too. BtG tells her mother she should be with RuRu. BtG decides to go to BA with the BOU even though she loves D-Sack. She’s not smart enough to realize there’s a third option, just don’t go to BA!

D-Sack seeks Jenny’s advice about BtG, the BOU and Buenos Aires. Jenny said he should’ve said something. The two of them go to the House of Waldorf to deliver the wedding dress. Lily calls to ask RuRu out for a Christmas date. They decide to go away tonight, the same night D-Sack plans to win back BtG, OMG incest!

The PI says Perfection is the only bidder, Mother told him Lily wants the story leaked, liar! The PI gives Perf the envelope containing Lily’s secret. The PI keeps telling Perf he’s going to become the richest kid in NYC! He says this like it’s the greatest thing ever. I’m waiting for a montage of Perfection cruising NYC Disney’s-Blank-Check-style dropping money on gigantic bouncy castles, trash cans full of ice cream and topsy-turvy waterslides that he found on the Kid Internet. This doesn’t happen, because this is a serious show.

BtG arrives at Elle’s wedding and tells the BOU she’s decided to go to Argentina with him. D-Sack and Jenny walk in with the dress. “I carried the garment bag” is all D-Sack can say. He sounds like Baby from Diry Dancing. “I carried a watermelon.” He’s such a girl! He actually tells BtG that he wants her to stay and she tells him their parents are in love. He’s delusional and says they could still work it out, gross? She reminds him that she has an ugly boyfriend and then gives him a genuine hug. They’ll talk after the holidays.

Perfection and Bellatrix Lestrange are at the House of Bass and he’s reading the scoop on her secret. He tells her he can’t believe she’d want it made public. He tells Lily her mother lied to her. Lily begs him not to do it and suggests he turn to the people around him who care about him.

Elle and Inconceivable’s wedding is pretty and really cute, everyone looks really happy. During the wedding D-Sack is out walking alone as Perfection tosses the information he’s gathered on Lily into the Goblet of Fire. Meanwhile, RuRu and Lily are packing for their rendezvous. Back at the wedding Dorota whispers something to Blair. It looks like Perf is there to see her. He looks so vulnerable!! He’s sitting on her bed and Blair just throws her arms around him. After a little hesitation he holds her arm and embraces her. Okay, I’m BAWLING at this point. This is such a moving scene. It takes the entire commercial break to compose myself.

RuRu is leaving a note for the kids when Mother stops by BK. She says she’s only ever wanted Lily to be happy, yeah right. He tells her that he’ll hear Lily’s secret from her when she’s ready to tell him. Mother tells him that Lily loves him and it will only hurt him if he continues to be left in the dark about her secret.

The BOU and BtG are on their way to the airport, flirting awkwardly. D-Sack walks in on RuRu in the dark, he looks so sad. RuRu says he’ll never be with Lily, even though BtG had said otherwise. D-Sack calls BtG because RuRu is just that upset. The BOU tells her to answer it, he knows she still likes D-Sack, but he reinforces that he really likes BtG too.

Blair is maternally spooning Perfection to the National, I love them…Perf and Blair and The National.

Lily is waiting in Grand Central for RuRu. He walks up to her and simply asks if it was a boy or a girl!!!!! OMG Gossip Girl, Lily and RuRu conceived a child and she either aborted it or put it up for adoption without ever telling him!!! Poor RuRu, this is huge!
Blair wakes up to find Perfection gone, but he’s left a note. I didn’t read it fast enough, but I think it probably said “Thanks but no thanks.” This was a really sad episode and my sarcasm definitely got served.