Secrets and boobs. What are two things of Serena's that are spilling out?

The show opens with a dream sequence from the Olden Days. Blair is Eliza Doolittle and can't seem to pronounce “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain”. Plain? Cue Boring the Girl. She steps in to say it without sounding like a British hillbilly. Blair frantically wakes up and her housekeeper Dorota is there to comfort her. She asks if Blair is ready for her trip to Yale and she assures her that she’s not only as good as in, but that she’s also going to be handpicked to attend a secret gathering at the dean’s house. This scene has made me realize what I love about Blair…she’s Karen Walker from Will & Grace in training and Dorota is her Rosario. B just needs to raise the pitch of her voice and start popping pills and the transformation will be complete. B is extremely ticked when Dorota shows her that Boring the Girl is featured on Page Six.

At the House of Bass, Lily is trying to convince BtG to try Yale since every other character on the show is going there and it would be a lot easier for the show’s writers if she went there too. Actually, she’s received a handwritten letter from the dean of admissions. BtG thinks she’s more of a Brown kind of girl since she’s all bohemian because she wears her hair in loose, wavy curls and always layers her clothes. I guess Yale is for people with straight dark hair who wear headbands and cardigans. And get this, BtG’s “It”-ness has grown exponentially since last episode. Designers are sending her their clothes to wear and Marc Jacobs has named a handbag after her. I’m guessing it’s either called the Boring Bag or the Murderess Clutch, maybe even the Hobo Killer.

Meanwhile at the Marcy Projects, Boring the Boy is talking to RuRu about his love for Yale. He’s worried that he won’t get in since he’s pretty much social trash. RuRu tells him to be himself and that Yale will love him even though no one else does.

Perfection and Nate “Lehman Brothers” Archibald are preparing for their trip to Yale just like everyone else. Perf is looking forward to meeting some “horny women’s studies majors” that he can bed. Does that make any sense? Aren’t women’s studies majors stereotypically lesbians? But I guess if anyone can turn someone, it’s Chuck Bass. Strike what I just said, it makes perfect sense. Nate just wants to go to USC because he such a down to earth guy. Perfection is going to choose his university based on secret societies. Since Yale has the crème de la crème, Skull and Bones, the choice is simple.

There’s definite awkwardness between Perfection and BtB. They obviously haven’t talked about why they broke up, but that’s BtB M.O. I’m sure they’re going to get back together and it’ll end again, just like with BtG. Perf makes BtB sound worthless and they go on their merry way. Blair and BtG get into it when B tells BtG that her school choice sucks. Yale would never want a murderer like BtG anyway. BtG then informs her mother that she is in fact going to tour Yale. So BtG is choosing her school based solely on spite. That’s exactly the route I took too. It totally paid off.

Back at the Marcy Projects RuRu, Jenny and Loch Ness are hanging out. Nessie is applying to NYU and she’s finishing high school via home study. Can you do home study if you don’t have a real home? I know Loch Ness is poor, but there are free schools in this city. There is no excuse for her to not be enrolled in a real school. I hate her so much, her character makes no sense to me and now she’s a bad influence on the kids who watch this show. Jenny invites RuRu to accompany her to the atelier for just one day to see how good she is at designing. I think Nessa points out that she doesn’t go to high school and she’s cool. No, Nessa, you’re not!

BtB’s interview is going poorly (how appropriate). He stutters and just can’t seem to find the words to express how much he wants to go to Yale. Good thing he’s not thinking of becoming a writer…oh wait. The dean points out that BtB only has one recommendation so his application is incomplete. He needs to get one of the English profs to read his work and write a letter on his behalf or he’s out of the running.

Perfection is waiting for Skull and Bones to come find him as he checks out some preppies. The Bonesmen eventually jump him and throw a bag over his head, dull! They should’ve put a Japanese stewardess under a box that is being propped up by a stick. Tied to the stick would be a length of cord. When Perf is lured into the box a Bonesman pulls the cord and the box comes down trapping Perfection, simple and entertaining.

Back to the dean’s office and Blair is waiting while BtG is interviewing. She can hear BtG being charming and making the dean laugh. I’m starting to question the caliber of our nation’s Ivy League schools is Serena van der Woodsen is considered a good candidate for Yale. When BtG finally comes out of the office, B has totally lost her cool. Could BtG’s shirt be cut any lower? You can see the bottom curve of her boob!

We’re back with Nate and he’s talking to a girl who’s a Sex in Art major or something like that. Nate tells her he’s from St. Jude’s and the guys sitting next to them ask if he knows Nate Archibald. See, every rich person in the entire world lost money because of Nate’s dad. All those rich people’s spoiled kids want to beat up Nate because now they have to get real jobs. Nate lies and says his name is Boring the Boy! What?! That’s like being mistaken for an Olsen twin, playing along with it, but saying you’re Ashley instead of Mary-Kate. Why didn’t he say Chuck Bass? If you’re going to pretend to be someone at least go for the best.

Perfection is now in the Tomb. All the Bonesmen are aware of his reputation saying rumor has it he has banged more Maxim cover models than John Mayer. This is the WORST comparison EVER! To say that the only person Perfection is more sexually desirable than is John Mayer is sacrilegious. This insults the taste and intelligence of every person who watches this show. They should’ve said Pete Doherty. Now there’s a mess I can get on board with. Perfection offers to throw the Bonesmen a party, Chuck Bass style. Whenever he says Chuck Bass I think dirty thoughts.

B’s interviewing worse than BtB. She’s asked to tell more about herself and she just can’t do it. The dean tells her BtG had such entertaining stories, so go on, tell a fun little story like the girl whose boobs were hanging out. B’s got nothin’. Why are they allowing her to fail?! We all know she has great stories. Ahem, her seating chart!!!! That would’ve gotten her a full ride and honorary Ph D. Why did she drop the ball, she’s so much better than that! As she’s leaving the interview there is no mention of the secret gathering she was so sure she’d be invited to.

Outside the dean’s office BtG tells B how much she loves Yale even though B tells her she’ll never get in. BtG is really impressed with their drama department. Since when is BtG into the arts? The only creative thing she has EVER done is decorate that room where she gave BtB sex for Christmas. And even then she didn’t do it all by herself, Nessa helped her. BtG’s cell rings and it’s the dean’s secretary inviting her to the secret gathering. Looks like BtG is on the short list for admission. B swears she’ll take her down and reminds BtG that the only reason Yale wants her is because she’s the new It girl and they want to raise their profile. Yeah, not enough people are familiar with Yale that they need a flash-in-the-pan skank socialite to raise interest in the school. I start to think B’s off her rocker, but cut to the dean’s office where he’s looking at pics of BtG in Page Six. Looks like B is right, how could I have doubted her? Dorota pulls up on a motorcycle wearing a maroon Members Only jacket. Blair jumps in the sidecar and they speed off leaving BtG in the dust. Not really, but that’s totally something Karen and Rosario would do.

Enough with Connecticut, Jenny de la Renta and RuRu are at the atelier where Jenny is showing her dad how important and talented she is. While Jenny isn’t looking RuRu asks Eleanor to fire his daughter so she can focus on school. Eleanor tells him that you don’t fire someone who’s practically a slave. No, she says Jenny is talented.

Back in New Haven, Perfection is making fun of BtG for being dumb. He asks her if she has an answer for the dean’s infamous secret gathering quiz. What person, living or dead, would you like to have dinner with and why? My answer, well, I’m sure you can guess. Perfection tells BtG Blair’s answer that she’s had for years, George Sand. He goes into how turned on B would get talking about her answer and BtG stops him, buzz kill. George Sand happens to be the dean’s favorite writer and just saying his/her name would get you into Yale slicker than snot on a door knob.

Bear Sterns Jr. is in a dorm room making out with the Art is Sexy major. She asks him if he liked “Cholera”, as in Love in the Time of, and he said it was painful…to read. No, I think he meant it hurt when he had cholera. His family can’t afford clean drinking water anymore. There’s a knock on the door, it’s the real Boring the Boy! He needs Art is Sexy to read his work and then ask one of her profs to write his letter. He sees ole Lehman Brothers Archibald in her bed and the cover is blown when he introduces himself as himself. Art is Sexy is so confused and tells Freddie Mac that he should’ve just told her the truth. I guess that means her family is poor since she wasn’t affected by Mr. Archibald’s actions. BtB tells Nate that his future is not a joke. From where I’m sitting it is. BtB starts into the whole they “come from two worlds” speech AGAIN and Fannie Mae tells him to lose the chip on his shoulder and that it’s no wonder BtG dumped him. I think they just developed crushes on each other.

Blair bribes the dean’s secretary with the promise of kitten figurines if she tells her where the party is. Of course she tells her, who can resist cat figurines?! But I wish it had been something juicier like blackmail. I’m sure the secretary is having an affair with her stepson. B needs to do better research.

RuRu has to admit he’s impressed with Jenny’s skills but that school is too important and she can’t drop out. Jenny is sad but handles his decision maturely. Okay, how much time has passed here? Just last week she was a little bitch and now she’s Ghandi.

The party is underway and BtG is in a very low cut dress. I don’t know how the skanks at Brown dress, but this is Yale. YALE! You know, where they’ll fast track you if you’re the flavor of the week socialite. B looks divine. BtG tells B her stolen answer to the question and B flips. And since it goes alphabetically, BtG will give her answer before Blair. There is a string quartet playing Muse’s Time is Running Out during this scene. The music snob in me is impressed.

The Chuck Bass Party (I just got chills) is underway at the Tomb. Perfection has ordered three girls for every guy. The girls don’t speak English and I guess that means the Bonesmen can do whatever they want to them? I mean, who are they going to tell? If they can’t speaking English no one can understand them. They tell Perf that if he wants in he needs to deliver the Son of the Reason We Need the $700B Bailout Plan. Perf says it’s as good as done. He calls Bear Sterns Jr. and invites him to Mike’s Bar to get blazed. At first I’m a little disappointed that Perfection sold out his friend, but then we see the Bonesmen attack BtB and he has totally redeemed himself.

Blair and BtG are competing for the attention of everyone at the dean’s party. Finally The Quiz has started. When it gets to BtG the dean reads the card she wrote her answer on. BtG would like to have dinner with…Pete Ferman? Who the hell is that? BtG is caught off guard and doesn’t know what to say, she has no idea who that is. Blair helps her out by announcing to everyone that Pete Ferman is the man BtG killed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually gasped when she said that!!! FINALLY someone brings that up again. It’s so low, but B was slipping and she has totally regained her footing. BtG explains that this person was a friend and that he died when she was with him. She then excuses B and herself. Outside the house they get in a huge fight and B throws her clutch at the back of BtG’s head! They have an all out cat fight and B says BtG is only getting into Yale to help them meet their skank quota.

The thrill packed day at the atelier is over and Jenny brings RuRu with her on one last errand: dropping off accessories for Lily at the House of Bass. You’ll never guess who they run into in her own home, Lily! She’s trying on BtG’s low cut dress when they walk in. She tells RuRu that no one else is home, she’s totally hinting at getting it on with him, but Saint RuRu doesn’t take the bait. He does tell her that she looks fantastic no matter what she wears. When will they finally get together?!!?!?!

The Bonesmen go to Mike’s Bar to celebrate taking down the kid of the guy who ruined their families fortunes (it’s their fault they didn’t diversify). They keep saying they got Nate Archibald and good. Nate is there and informs them that actually they didn’t, and a bar fight breaks out.

We see BtB tied to a statue in his boxers. Nate finds him and tells him that they thought he was Nate and that they hate Nate because of what the Captain did. See, BtB doesn’t come from money so he was completely oblivious to all of this. Art is Sexy walks by as AIG is trying to untie BtB. Art is Sexy has mad knot untying skills. I wonder where she got these skills and before I know it she’s addressing my question; her mother was in the Navy. And then I remember that it’s just a given that all of us have a complete understanding of our parents’ occupations through some sort of osmosis. She could’ve easily said, “I used to date an Eagle Scout”. Yes, I would’ve been satisfied with that.

Outside the dean’s party B and BtG are talking about the landmines surrounding them. They discuss whether or not they should stop being friends. Didn’t they already stop? You can tell BtG especially doesn’t want to break up. They call a ceasefire which of course won’t last.

We haven’t slummed it for a while. RuRu decides Jenny can home school like Loch Ness and then maybe she can go to the Professional Children’s School after the semester is over. Jenny is ecstatic since she’d be “just like Vera Wang” if she went to that school…or Taylor Momsen who actually plays the character of Jenny. Won’t that rip a hole in the space-time continuum? Never mind, I just looked it up. Taylor goes the the Professional Performing Arts School. That makes my theory way off base.

The next day at Yale, BtG and Blair are both at the dean’s office to convince him that the other really deserves to go to Yale, where it is acceptable to wear skank clothes to interviews, spill dark secrets in formal settings and try to convince the dean to let your friend go there? I’m starting to wish I had gone to an Ivy League school. The two of them say they “don’t want to not know” each other. Yes, that’s a direct quote. They realize they fight because they’re scared of what the future holds. And that’s it. Blair tells a room full of people that BtG murdered someone and in less than 24 hours they’re friends again because they just can’t quit each other.

Sex in Art tells BtB she’ll get someone to read his stuff and the Economic Un-Stimulus Package says he’s sorry for pretending to be Boring. Everything seems to work out just fine for everyone.

The Bonesmen confront Perfection about sending them after the wrong guy. They’re very menacing but Perf doesn’t even flinch. Turns out the foreign hookers were outfitted with hidden cameras and now Perfection has dirt on all of them. If only Bart could see this, he would be so proud. He would say, “Just like I did to your stepmother, well done my boy”. I can tell you I’m proud. They have officially made Perfection, well, perfect. Nothing sticks to him, nothing hurts him. A 176 year old secret society tries to get him to do something he doesn’t like and he blackmails all of them. Even when the bag was over his head, they were at his mercy.

Little Lehman confronts Perfection about setting up BtB, telling him it’s unacceptable. Perfection informs him that BtB is nothing, actually less than nothing. Nate comes back with, “Actually, he’s pretty cool.” Yep, that’s all he had.

The dean calls BtG to tell her she’s as good as in and that Blair is going to have to wait like everyone else. He’s looking at pics of her in the Post again. Until she’s photographed with Rachel Zoe I will never buy the storyline of BtG being the new It girl. Perfection is checking out his former best friend and the guy he went on a couple of dates with walking into the sunset. But don’t worry about him, he doesn’t need your pity.

My predictions for next week are BtB will show up outside Perfections penthouse holding a boombox over his head while it blasts Pete Gabriel’s Your Eyes in an attempt to win back his muse. Joe Sixpack Archibald will become popular again when the Dow rallies with a 900 point gain only to lose all his new found friends two hours later when it falls more than 700 points. BtG will finally realize that Blair really burned her with that whole announcing-to-all-of-Yale-that-she-killed-someone thing. She’ll get mildly upset only to forget the whole thing when Rachel Zoe asks to be photographed with her thus cementing her It girl status, damn it! Jenny will excel at homeschooling and graduate before Loch Ness, ha!

The Chuck Abides

The show opens backstage at Eleanor Waldorf’s fashion show. Now I can’t quite remember if Gossip Girl actually says this but it’s one of those “Every year (blah blah blah) Blair Waldorf (blah blah blah)”. So every year during Fashion Week, Blair Waldorf makes the seating chart for her mother’s fashion show and then watches the show with Boring the Girl from back stage. They’ve done this, like, every year since they were, like, twelve. I guess B is totally gifted when it comes to making fantastic seating charts…

Cut to Jenny and Boring the Boy walking down the street talking about BtB’s college plans. He’s so whiny! He just wants to be a great writer but he’s still hung up on that mentor of his who dumped his ass, you can tell. Jenny doesn’t have much to say about it and tells BtB some excuse so he’ll go on to school without her. Then she hails a cab to high tail it her fashion job. That girl should really take the subway; only important people take cabs in this city. I figure out before I’m told that Jenny has been skipping class! She is hardcore like a Jonas Brother.

Lily is waxing poetic to Boring the Girl back at their apartment about her art and how little room she has for it. She confesses to her dull daughter that she once modeled for Mapplethorpe, but not to worry, it was tasteful. Yeah, I’m sure. Lily says her Mapplethorpe is going up for auction soon and that she wants to buy it, a little reminder of her skank past. She tried to get a little reminder of her skank past from Rufus last episode but got shot down, oh snap! I’m sure in future episodes we’ll find out that Lily “walked on the wild side” with Lou Reed, had an affair with JFK, and was once preserved in a tank of formaldehyde by Damien Hirst. BtG starts talking about her new best friend, socialite Poppy Lifton, and how much fun they’ve been having lately. BtG is a real It girl now, a big, boring, murderous It girl.

Perfection and B are having a lover’s quarrel about BtG’s rising star. Perfection is really getting to her and totally setting B up to fall for him, which she’d better do, and soon! I think he’s playing The Game with her. He’s trying to tear her down until she gives in to him. Works every time. She gets him back by saying the only person who has fewer friends than Perfection is BtB, but at least BtB’s dad doesn’t hate him.

Boring the Boy takes his stories to an old man (I think it’s his former mentor) who tells him he sucks and is too whiny about girls. The old man recalls the time he spent with Bukowski and how he once shot a shot glass off of the old man’s head. Why are they mentioning famous artists and writers? Do they really think the kids who watch this show are going to go out and buy Love Is a Dog from Hell? This reminds me of the scene in the movie Enough when J-Lo’s character, Slim, mentions she’s reading Finnegan’s Wake. I laughed so hard at that. It’s like, okay, we get it, you’re supposed to be smart. Anyway, the old man tells BtB to find his own Bukowski, someone who pushes the limits and can really inspire some good material. I think what BtB needs is a Chuc-kowski.


BtB stops by the House of Bass and tells Perfection that he wants to go on a date with him in order to “experience new things” and see into the “world of Chuck Bass”. BtB thinks this will make him a better writer, but he doesn’t tell Perfection he has ulterior motives. I hope Perfection tries to shoot a shot glass off of BtB head and aims too low.

Back at Eleanor’s fashion show Jenny changes B’s seating chart to include BtG and her new socialite friends. See there’s a problem, Eleanor’s show is at the same time as Marc Jacobs’ show and she’s having a hard time securing youthful celebrities. Jenny’s idea totally saves the day, but messes with a very long standing tradition, B’s seating chart. Now why didn’t they take this opportunity to mention some high art fashion designer like Hussein Chalayan or Rei Kawakubo; even a cameo by Rachel Zoe (my greatest shame of the moment is that I love her show on Bravo) would’ve sufficed. I guess they only do that for art and literature. B is pissed and someone finally realizes that Jenny doesn’t go to school anymore; it’s B and I love it when she has dirt on Little Jenny Humphrey.

Now we’re back to BtB and his hot date with Perfection is just getting under way. Perfection gives BtB a couple of pills to take with his alcoholic drink and, of course, BtB goes along with it for the sake of his craft.

We’re finally introduced to Poppy Lifton backstage at the fashion show. BtG is feeling guilty about sitting in the front row of the show when she usually sits backstage with Blair. Poppy tells BtG that B is keeping her from shining, glowing and singing the body electric. This scene is SO horribly acted that I just Googled “Poppy Lifton” to see if she’s an actual socialite playing herself on Gossip Girl. She’s not, she’s a real actor and she did not get her start on the Hills. Though I’m pretty sure she graduated from the Hills School of Acting. I think Poppy got to BtG because she no longer seems to feel guilty about ruining the one thing that truly defines Blair (at least for this episode) her seating chart!

B decides to slum it for a bit and takes a trip to Brooklyn to bring Jenny-Jen some soup since she must be sick. At least that’s what she tells RuRu. He’s surprised to find out that Jenny hasn’t been in class for ten days. He also tells off Blair saying he knows she doesn’t have his daughter’s best interests at heart. Watch out Ru, B doesn’t mess around. I knew B would get back at Jenny and she did a good job.

The man-date is progressing well. BtB is off the charts drunk and rambling about how he can’t figure out how Perfection just gets whatever he wants. BtB says something about not knowing you could find hookers behind some café back there. Perfection somehow gets BtB to take off his shoes in the limo and then tells the driver to pull over. BtB gets kicked out of the car on some random street. As the limo takes off stranding him there, I start to feel bad for BtB, I mean I genuinely feel bad for the guy. Then I realize he asked for it and the Chuck abides.

RuRu is making waffles for Truant Jenny Humphrey and rips her a new one. He can’t believe he spends so much money on a school that she doesn’t even attend. She gives him a few “But Dad, you don’t understand” lines. Blah blah blah.

B confronts BtG about taking over her throne at school and BtG just regurgitates what Poppy Lifton told her before. B is not happy and I can’t wait for her to exact her revenge on BtG.

BtB thinks he’s all hot shit since he had one date with a hot mess of a guy. His mentor still doesn’t like his writing and encourages him to instead write from the point of view of this “Charlie Trout” character to find out what makes him tick. WTF?! Charlie Trout? A wise architecture champion once told me “You don’t have to like your nickname!” But what about other people’s nicknames. I’m no, Proust, but I think the names I’ve come up with a far better than Charlie Trout. I will never get over that and the fact that I once felt bad for BtB. What kind of writer is he?

Back at the fashion show…again…someone is messing with the seating chart…again. B puts BtG way in the back but Jenny steps in to save the day for BtG. I’m really hoping that this whole seating chart thing has a multiple episode story arch. It’s just such good television.

But we do get some relief from this riveting story line. Close up of Perfection sitting in a lounge, calling his dad to see if he wants to get his drink on, aww. Bart shoots him down, he has better things to do. In walks BtB, coming back for another date and, unfortunately, Perfection is down and out and willing. These two had BETTER not become friends. Lovers, maybe, but not friends. BtB starts asking if Perfection had a happy childhood and how his dad is doing. BtB’s line of questioning is so obvious, that’s probably how he writes too. Perfection leaves their table to go solicit a girl who turns out to not be a hooker; we’ve all made that mistake. The not-hooker’s boyfriend gets pissed and BtB steps in to punch out the douche bag. I think this is like BtB and Perfection getting to second base.

RuRu is trusting Jenny Jenny Truancy less and less when the headmistress calls to say that Jenny still isn’t showing up to school.

Guess what, that fashion show is still going on. Yes, in the amount of time a fashion show takes BtB and Perfection have gone on a man-date, BtB has written a story and shown it to his mentor and then gone on another date. B finds out that Jenny is in charge of all the models so she sends them home to sabotage Jenny…because that won’t ruin her mother or anything like that.

Perfection and BtB are now in jail for their little bar brawl and Perfection actually thanks BtB for saving his beautiful face from being beaten to a pulp. He also tells BtB he’s lucky that RuRu cares about him. Perfection goes on to say his father hates him because the love of Bart’s life died giving birth to Perfection. See, BtG that’s how you really kill someone, Perfection is a real murderer. Perfection’s mom must’ve been really hot since Perfection looks nothing like Bart. I feel so bad for him. I think this is an attempt to get everyone to love Perfection, but not me. I’ve loved him all along, he had me at “I’ll have to chef cook you up a grilled cheese with truffles” from episode 2 season 1, look it up. Can you imagine a grilled cheese with TRUFFLES?!

It turns out that Bart bought Lily’s Mapplethorpe, but wants no one to ever see it, like he’s ashamed of Lily’s skank past. He says he doesn’t want anyone to use it against them. Lily confronts him about looking into her past, he hands her an envelope and she’s very surprised by what’s in it. Blackmail! We don’t get to see it, but something tells me she’s probably killed someone at some point in her life. Bart is one sick bastard; at least his son makes it look good.

The epic fashion show still hasn’t happened, all the models are gone. Jenny saves the day AGAIN by asking Poppy, BtG and their other socialite friends to fill in for the real models as if that would be easy. In a last ditch attempt to screw Jenny, B gives BtG Jenny’s after party dress to wear as the finale. Jenny’s homemade dress steals the show and it looks like Eleanor is going to be pissed. B stands up for Jenny and explains that Jenny didn’t try to steal the show. I really hope B and Jenny go after BtG, because the only thing Jenny is good for is helping B destroy people.

Perfection’s lawyer bails him out and it looks like Perfection is going to bail out BtB as well. But as Perf is getting his personal belongings he is accidently given BtB’s instead. He sees that BtB has been taking notes the whole time they’ve been dating. He goes back to the jail cell to tell him off and adds that he lied about his mother. She really died in a plane crash in the Andes and was eaten by a Uruguayan rugby team. Okay, not the last part, but he totally set me up for that.

BtB calls his old man mentor to bail him out. Old man asks him what he found out about Trout. BtB is too goody two shoes that he just can’t tell him about his breakthrough with Perfection. BtB doesn’t kiss and tell.

Okay, that fashion show is FINALLY over and Eleanor is toasting Jenny for saving the day (which she wouldn’t have had to do if Eleanor’s own daughter hadn’t tried to ruin everything). RuRu is there to overhear this. BtG and B have a big heart to heart and BtG tells B she’s insecure. From now on BtG is going to be just who she is; a boring murderer with bad taste in guys and B had better just support that.

Jenny and RuRu have their own heart to heart about Jenny’s design career. She doesn’t want to go to school anymore and only wants to pursue fashion. I really can’t remember what comes of this.

We end with Bart burying Lily’s secret with jewelry and the good life. She’s such a sell out. This is the woman who left he rock star BF RuRu to get it on with Trent Reznor (at least that’s what she said in season 1). Why is she putting up with Bart Bass? Oh, that’s right, she loves money and now she’s being blackmailed.

My predictions are Jenny will continue to skip school and do it so much that Eugene Levy is forced to track her and her twin sister through the streets of New York where hilarious high jinks ensue. B will get Jenny to do awesomely horrible things to BtG. BtB and Perfection will go on date number three where they will awkwardly discuss “where this is going” and Nate and Loch Ness will come back and be poor together.

The "Real" Serena: That's Not Real to Me

Last week we were promised a glimpse at "the real Serena" as Perfection put it. Apparently the "real Serena" is just as boring, but more stupid. But more of that later.

So Boring the Boy and Boring the Girl are officially broken up and neither of them are looking forward to the first day of school. Little Jenny Humphry is venting to RuRu and her dull brother about how she's going to be tormented by Blair and her posse. Silly Little Jenny, she thinks she matters.

At school, Blair is telling Boring the Girl all the rules of post-breakup behavior, whoever dates again first wins. If that's the case, I really lost the post breakup game in my last relationship. So Blair and Boring the Girl see Boring the Boy talking to a the new girl (this girl likes books) and automatically assume they're married. Blair vows to stop New Girl from dating Boring the Girl's ex, and Boring the Girl barely fights her on it. They do all this immature stuff that only high schoolers would do, oh wait, and this causes Boring the Girl and Boring the Boy to constantly accuse each other and apologize back and forth in such a pathetic manner that neither of them can be taken seriously EVER again.

Meanwhile, Cougar slums it for a bit (goes to Brooklyn) to pay Nessa a visit. She thanks Nessa for breaking it off with her little cub Nate Archibald and gives Nessa a check for $5000. Since Nessa is of a higher moral standing than myself, she goes to Cougar's house to return the check. After the butler tells her she can leave it on the table, Nessie ventures further in to the Cougar's den and spots Cougar getting it on with Marcus! Yes, the Cougar is doing her stepson, I love this show! Nessie takes a picture with her phone (all of a sudden everyone and their dog takes pictures of every little thing they see. It's like calling a press conference on One Tree Hill Season 4) and then calls Boring the Boy. He tells her she needs to take the pictures to Blair, she'll know what to do with them. Wow, I can't believe he said something that makes sense.

Nessie shows the pic to B and she's obviously upset by the news. She tells Nessie to NEVER tell anyone about it and that she would take care of it. So, Nessie just has to DO NOTHING, her job is OVER, I'd just like to stress that. B confronts Cougar and Marcus Bland and gets them to leave town, pay Cubby's daddy's restitution and swear not to tell the whereabouts of Cubby's dad. In the meantime, Loch Ness gets impatient that B "hasn't done anything" yet (even though it's only been about fifteen minutes since they spoke) so she takes matters into her own hands. She visits the Duke, Cougar's husband, herself and tells him everything. Flash forward to B ripping Loch Ness a new one for ruining everything. The Duke sent Bland and Cougar back to Europe, but Cubby's family gets nothing! Loch Ness then realizes that she will never amount to anything on this show because she's poor (and lives in Brooklyn). Holla, Queens! Cubby then tells Nessie that they aren't friends anymore. But since they're now in the same tax bracket he should really rethink that.

Lily is back in town and wants to hook up with RuRu. He wants nothing to do with her because he's dating someone. Yeah, she's such a major character that she doesn't even really have a name. It's so obvious that Lily and RuRu are going to end up together. Then Boring the Boy and Boring the Girl will be step siblings and that would pretty much be the green light for them to get back together (at least on this show it would be).

Perfection wasn't featured in this episode as much as he should've been, but he still got a lot done. First, he was instrumental in Boring the Boy meeting New Girl. He also supplied the tube of depilatory cream that Penelope spilled on New Girl's hair. Is anyone else surprised that Penelope didn't forget her martini glass was full of depilatory cream and drink it? Especially when she clinked glasses with that other girl. But here's a twist...in the end we see Perfection paying New Girl for her troubles and playing her part. Whoa, this is something out of the Usual Suspects. I think New Girl just earned herself a new name, goodbye New Girl, hello Keyser Soze.

We are left with only pieces of this puzzle, but here's what I think is happening: Perfection, for some ridiculous reason, wants to get it on with Boring the Girl. Case in point, he wakes her up one morning by caressing her arm with a flower (he's very Tyler by Toadies in that way). You're all probably wondering how he's going to do that (if it were me, he'd just have to ask). He's going to do that by getting Boring the Boy to date another girl (pays Keyser Soze to pretend she likes books), then do bad things to Keyser Soze so Boring the Boy blames it on Boring the Girl. Since Boring the Girl still "loves" (I use quotes because they are in high school) Boring the Boy this will send her over the edge. When she's come undone at the seams, she will become a manipulated mess willing to do anything to get back at Boring the Boy. And by anything, I mean get it on with her vision of perfection stepbrother, who coincidently is named Perfection. Oh, and BTW, the "real Serena"? She drinks martinis and pretends that some lacrosse douche is interesting. She's so edgy. I can't believe I was waiting all week to find that out. For a murderer, Boring the Girl is very, well, boring.

It's a Blackout or: How I Learned to Start Liking the Dark and Stop Loving the Girl

So in last night's episode Nate is torn between Nessa and Cougar. He needs to stay with Cougar because she's giving him money to help out his family, so technically Nate's a gigolo. Cougar also knows where Nate's fugitive father is because Nate is stupid and told her. They all go to a party at Blair's house and Nate comes clean to Nessa about Cougar. There is a blackout so they get seperated. During that time, Cougar finds Nessa and tells her that if Nessa doesn't break up with Nate, Cougar will tell the Feds where Nate's dad is. So Nessa breaks it off with Nate, telling him that he needs to be with Cougar because Cougar loves him.

Also during the blackout, Chuck (or as I call him, Perfection) follows Blair up to her room and gets it on with her in the dark. Blair's boyfriend Lord Bland walks in on them when the lights come back on and asks her if she honestly didn't know it was Perfection she was smooching. Blair confesses that she knew it was Perfection but that she really wants Bland. I can't remember if they broke up or not. Bland also punched Perfection in the face, but he didn't even bruise! That's because you can't mess with Perfection.

Boring and Boring (Dan and Serena) are officially back together and they don't do anything but boring stuff. But they both know that it won't work unless they address the reasons they broke up before. They both boringly avoid the topic because they like making out in a dull manner. On the way to Blair's party they get stuck in an elevator. Boring the Boy calls maintenance to tell them they're stuck, but he only says, "Hi, I'm Boring the Boy, and we're stuck in the elevator". Then Boring the Girl says, "You should've said you were stuck in here with Boring the Girl". Then Boring the Boy says, "Oh, so Boring the Boy isn't important enough to be saved from the elevator unless he's with Boring the Girl? Huh? Is that how it is?" That leads to a fight that brings up how different they are. When the power comes back on Boring the Girl gets off the elevator and they are officially broken up. Yea!