The Chuck Abides

The show opens backstage at Eleanor Waldorf’s fashion show. Now I can’t quite remember if Gossip Girl actually says this but it’s one of those “Every year (blah blah blah) Blair Waldorf (blah blah blah)”. So every year during Fashion Week, Blair Waldorf makes the seating chart for her mother’s fashion show and then watches the show with Boring the Girl from back stage. They’ve done this, like, every year since they were, like, twelve. I guess B is totally gifted when it comes to making fantastic seating charts…

Cut to Jenny and Boring the Boy walking down the street talking about BtB’s college plans. He’s so whiny! He just wants to be a great writer but he’s still hung up on that mentor of his who dumped his ass, you can tell. Jenny doesn’t have much to say about it and tells BtB some excuse so he’ll go on to school without her. Then she hails a cab to high tail it her fashion job. That girl should really take the subway; only important people take cabs in this city. I figure out before I’m told that Jenny has been skipping class! She is hardcore like a Jonas Brother.

Lily is waxing poetic to Boring the Girl back at their apartment about her art and how little room she has for it. She confesses to her dull daughter that she once modeled for Mapplethorpe, but not to worry, it was tasteful. Yeah, I’m sure. Lily says her Mapplethorpe is going up for auction soon and that she wants to buy it, a little reminder of her skank past. She tried to get a little reminder of her skank past from Rufus last episode but got shot down, oh snap! I’m sure in future episodes we’ll find out that Lily “walked on the wild side” with Lou Reed, had an affair with JFK, and was once preserved in a tank of formaldehyde by Damien Hirst. BtG starts talking about her new best friend, socialite Poppy Lifton, and how much fun they’ve been having lately. BtG is a real It girl now, a big, boring, murderous It girl.

Perfection and B are having a lover’s quarrel about BtG’s rising star. Perfection is really getting to her and totally setting B up to fall for him, which she’d better do, and soon! I think he’s playing The Game with her. He’s trying to tear her down until she gives in to him. Works every time. She gets him back by saying the only person who has fewer friends than Perfection is BtB, but at least BtB’s dad doesn’t hate him.

Boring the Boy takes his stories to an old man (I think it’s his former mentor) who tells him he sucks and is too whiny about girls. The old man recalls the time he spent with Bukowski and how he once shot a shot glass off of the old man’s head. Why are they mentioning famous artists and writers? Do they really think the kids who watch this show are going to go out and buy Love Is a Dog from Hell? This reminds me of the scene in the movie Enough when J-Lo’s character, Slim, mentions she’s reading Finnegan’s Wake. I laughed so hard at that. It’s like, okay, we get it, you’re supposed to be smart. Anyway, the old man tells BtB to find his own Bukowski, someone who pushes the limits and can really inspire some good material. I think what BtB needs is a Chuc-kowski.


BtB stops by the House of Bass and tells Perfection that he wants to go on a date with him in order to “experience new things” and see into the “world of Chuck Bass”. BtB thinks this will make him a better writer, but he doesn’t tell Perfection he has ulterior motives. I hope Perfection tries to shoot a shot glass off of BtB head and aims too low.

Back at Eleanor’s fashion show Jenny changes B’s seating chart to include BtG and her new socialite friends. See there’s a problem, Eleanor’s show is at the same time as Marc Jacobs’ show and she’s having a hard time securing youthful celebrities. Jenny’s idea totally saves the day, but messes with a very long standing tradition, B’s seating chart. Now why didn’t they take this opportunity to mention some high art fashion designer like Hussein Chalayan or Rei Kawakubo; even a cameo by Rachel Zoe (my greatest shame of the moment is that I love her show on Bravo) would’ve sufficed. I guess they only do that for art and literature. B is pissed and someone finally realizes that Jenny doesn’t go to school anymore; it’s B and I love it when she has dirt on Little Jenny Humphrey.

Now we’re back to BtB and his hot date with Perfection is just getting under way. Perfection gives BtB a couple of pills to take with his alcoholic drink and, of course, BtB goes along with it for the sake of his craft.

We’re finally introduced to Poppy Lifton backstage at the fashion show. BtG is feeling guilty about sitting in the front row of the show when she usually sits backstage with Blair. Poppy tells BtG that B is keeping her from shining, glowing and singing the body electric. This scene is SO horribly acted that I just Googled “Poppy Lifton” to see if she’s an actual socialite playing herself on Gossip Girl. She’s not, she’s a real actor and she did not get her start on the Hills. Though I’m pretty sure she graduated from the Hills School of Acting. I think Poppy got to BtG because she no longer seems to feel guilty about ruining the one thing that truly defines Blair (at least for this episode) her seating chart!

B decides to slum it for a bit and takes a trip to Brooklyn to bring Jenny-Jen some soup since she must be sick. At least that’s what she tells RuRu. He’s surprised to find out that Jenny hasn’t been in class for ten days. He also tells off Blair saying he knows she doesn’t have his daughter’s best interests at heart. Watch out Ru, B doesn’t mess around. I knew B would get back at Jenny and she did a good job.

The man-date is progressing well. BtB is off the charts drunk and rambling about how he can’t figure out how Perfection just gets whatever he wants. BtB says something about not knowing you could find hookers behind some café back there. Perfection somehow gets BtB to take off his shoes in the limo and then tells the driver to pull over. BtB gets kicked out of the car on some random street. As the limo takes off stranding him there, I start to feel bad for BtB, I mean I genuinely feel bad for the guy. Then I realize he asked for it and the Chuck abides.

RuRu is making waffles for Truant Jenny Humphrey and rips her a new one. He can’t believe he spends so much money on a school that she doesn’t even attend. She gives him a few “But Dad, you don’t understand” lines. Blah blah blah.

B confronts BtG about taking over her throne at school and BtG just regurgitates what Poppy Lifton told her before. B is not happy and I can’t wait for her to exact her revenge on BtG.

BtB thinks he’s all hot shit since he had one date with a hot mess of a guy. His mentor still doesn’t like his writing and encourages him to instead write from the point of view of this “Charlie Trout” character to find out what makes him tick. WTF?! Charlie Trout? A wise architecture champion once told me “You don’t have to like your nickname!” But what about other people’s nicknames. I’m no, Proust, but I think the names I’ve come up with a far better than Charlie Trout. I will never get over that and the fact that I once felt bad for BtB. What kind of writer is he?

Back at the fashion show…again…someone is messing with the seating chart…again. B puts BtG way in the back but Jenny steps in to save the day for BtG. I’m really hoping that this whole seating chart thing has a multiple episode story arch. It’s just such good television.

But we do get some relief from this riveting story line. Close up of Perfection sitting in a lounge, calling his dad to see if he wants to get his drink on, aww. Bart shoots him down, he has better things to do. In walks BtB, coming back for another date and, unfortunately, Perfection is down and out and willing. These two had BETTER not become friends. Lovers, maybe, but not friends. BtB starts asking if Perfection had a happy childhood and how his dad is doing. BtB’s line of questioning is so obvious, that’s probably how he writes too. Perfection leaves their table to go solicit a girl who turns out to not be a hooker; we’ve all made that mistake. The not-hooker’s boyfriend gets pissed and BtB steps in to punch out the douche bag. I think this is like BtB and Perfection getting to second base.

RuRu is trusting Jenny Jenny Truancy less and less when the headmistress calls to say that Jenny still isn’t showing up to school.

Guess what, that fashion show is still going on. Yes, in the amount of time a fashion show takes BtB and Perfection have gone on a man-date, BtB has written a story and shown it to his mentor and then gone on another date. B finds out that Jenny is in charge of all the models so she sends them home to sabotage Jenny…because that won’t ruin her mother or anything like that.

Perfection and BtB are now in jail for their little bar brawl and Perfection actually thanks BtB for saving his beautiful face from being beaten to a pulp. He also tells BtB he’s lucky that RuRu cares about him. Perfection goes on to say his father hates him because the love of Bart’s life died giving birth to Perfection. See, BtG that’s how you really kill someone, Perfection is a real murderer. Perfection’s mom must’ve been really hot since Perfection looks nothing like Bart. I feel so bad for him. I think this is an attempt to get everyone to love Perfection, but not me. I’ve loved him all along, he had me at “I’ll have to chef cook you up a grilled cheese with truffles” from episode 2 season 1, look it up. Can you imagine a grilled cheese with TRUFFLES?!

It turns out that Bart bought Lily’s Mapplethorpe, but wants no one to ever see it, like he’s ashamed of Lily’s skank past. He says he doesn’t want anyone to use it against them. Lily confronts him about looking into her past, he hands her an envelope and she’s very surprised by what’s in it. Blackmail! We don’t get to see it, but something tells me she’s probably killed someone at some point in her life. Bart is one sick bastard; at least his son makes it look good.

The epic fashion show still hasn’t happened, all the models are gone. Jenny saves the day AGAIN by asking Poppy, BtG and their other socialite friends to fill in for the real models as if that would be easy. In a last ditch attempt to screw Jenny, B gives BtG Jenny’s after party dress to wear as the finale. Jenny’s homemade dress steals the show and it looks like Eleanor is going to be pissed. B stands up for Jenny and explains that Jenny didn’t try to steal the show. I really hope B and Jenny go after BtG, because the only thing Jenny is good for is helping B destroy people.

Perfection’s lawyer bails him out and it looks like Perfection is going to bail out BtB as well. But as Perf is getting his personal belongings he is accidently given BtB’s instead. He sees that BtB has been taking notes the whole time they’ve been dating. He goes back to the jail cell to tell him off and adds that he lied about his mother. She really died in a plane crash in the Andes and was eaten by a Uruguayan rugby team. Okay, not the last part, but he totally set me up for that.

BtB calls his old man mentor to bail him out. Old man asks him what he found out about Trout. BtB is too goody two shoes that he just can’t tell him about his breakthrough with Perfection. BtB doesn’t kiss and tell.

Okay, that fashion show is FINALLY over and Eleanor is toasting Jenny for saving the day (which she wouldn’t have had to do if Eleanor’s own daughter hadn’t tried to ruin everything). RuRu is there to overhear this. BtG and B have a big heart to heart and BtG tells B she’s insecure. From now on BtG is going to be just who she is; a boring murderer with bad taste in guys and B had better just support that.

Jenny and RuRu have their own heart to heart about Jenny’s design career. She doesn’t want to go to school anymore and only wants to pursue fashion. I really can’t remember what comes of this.

We end with Bart burying Lily’s secret with jewelry and the good life. She’s such a sell out. This is the woman who left he rock star BF RuRu to get it on with Trent Reznor (at least that’s what she said in season 1). Why is she putting up with Bart Bass? Oh, that’s right, she loves money and now she’s being blackmailed.

My predictions are Jenny will continue to skip school and do it so much that Eugene Levy is forced to track her and her twin sister through the streets of New York where hilarious high jinks ensue. B will get Jenny to do awesomely horrible things to BtG. BtB and Perfection will go on date number three where they will awkwardly discuss “where this is going” and Nate and Loch Ness will come back and be poor together.