Last week we were promised a glimpse at "the real Serena" as Perfection put it. Apparently the "real Serena" is just as boring, but more stupid. But more of that later.
So Boring the Boy and Boring the Girl are officially broken up and neither of them are looking forward to the first day of school. Little Jenny Humphry is venting to RuRu and her dull brother about how she's going to be tormented by Blair and her posse. Silly Little Jenny, she thinks she matters.
At school, Blair is telling Boring the Girl all the rules of post-breakup behavior, whoever dates again first wins. If that's the case, I really lost the post breakup game in my last relationship. So Blair and Boring the Girl see Boring the Boy talking to a the new girl (this girl likes books) and automatically assume they're married. Blair vows to stop New Girl from dating Boring the Girl's ex, and Boring the Girl barely fights her on it. They do all this immature stuff that only high schoolers would do, oh wait, and this causes Boring the Girl and Boring the Boy to constantly accuse each other and apologize back and forth in such a pathetic manner that neither of them can be taken seriously EVER again.
Meanwhile, Cougar slums it for a bit (goes to Brooklyn) to pay Nessa a visit. She thanks Nessa for breaking it off with her little cub Nate Archibald and gives Nessa a check for $5000. Since Nessa is of a higher moral standing than myself, she goes to Cougar's house to return the check. After the butler tells her she can leave it on the table, Nessie ventures further in to the Cougar's den and spots Cougar getting it on with Marcus! Yes, the Cougar is doing her stepson, I love this show! Nessie takes a picture with her phone (all of a sudden everyone and their dog takes pictures of every little thing they see. It's like calling a press conference on One Tree Hill Season 4) and then calls Boring the Boy. He tells her she needs to take the pictures to Blair, she'll know what to do with them. Wow, I can't believe he said something that makes sense.
Nessie shows the pic to B and she's obviously upset by the news. She tells Nessie to NEVER tell anyone about it and that she would take care of it. So, Nessie just has to DO NOTHING, her job is OVER, I'd just like to stress that. B confronts Cougar and Marcus Bland and gets them to leave town, pay Cubby's daddy's restitution and swear not to tell the whereabouts of Cubby's dad. In the meantime, Loch Ness gets impatient that B "hasn't done anything" yet (even though it's only been about fifteen minutes since they spoke) so she takes matters into her own hands. She visits the Duke, Cougar's husband, herself and tells him everything. Flash forward to B ripping Loch Ness a new one for ruining everything. The Duke sent Bland and Cougar back to Europe, but Cubby's family gets nothing! Loch Ness then realizes that she will never amount to anything on this show because she's poor (and lives in Brooklyn). Holla, Queens! Cubby then tells Nessie that they aren't friends anymore. But since they're now in the same tax bracket he should really rethink that.
Lily is back in town and wants to hook up with RuRu. He wants nothing to do with her because he's dating someone. Yeah, she's such a major character that she doesn't even really have a name. It's so obvious that Lily and RuRu are going to end up together. Then Boring the Boy and Boring the Girl will be step siblings and that would pretty much be the green light for them to get back together (at least on this show it would be).
Perfection wasn't featured in this episode as much as he should've been, but he still got a lot done. First, he was instrumental in Boring the Boy meeting New Girl. He also supplied the tube of depilatory cream that Penelope spilled on New Girl's hair. Is anyone else surprised that Penelope didn't forget her martini glass was full of depilatory cream and drink it? Especially when she clinked glasses with that other girl. But here's a twist...in the end we see Perfection paying New Girl for her troubles and playing her part. Whoa, this is something out of the Usual Suspects. I think New Girl just earned herself a new name, goodbye New Girl, hello Keyser Soze.
We are left with only pieces of this puzzle, but here's what I think is happening: Perfection, for some ridiculous reason, wants to get it on with Boring the Girl. Case in point, he wakes her up one morning by caressing her arm with a flower (he's very Tyler by Toadies in that way). You're all probably wondering how he's going to do that (if it were me, he'd just have to ask). He's going to do that by getting Boring the Boy to date another girl (pays Keyser Soze to pretend she likes books), then do bad things to Keyser Soze so Boring the Boy blames it on Boring the Girl. Since Boring the Girl still "loves" (I use quotes because they are in high school) Boring the Boy this will send her over the edge. When she's come undone at the seams, she will become a manipulated mess willing to do anything to get back at Boring the Boy. And by anything, I mean get it on with her vision of perfection stepbrother, who coincidently is named Perfection. Oh, and BTW, the "real Serena"? She drinks martinis and pretends that some lacrosse douche is interesting. She's so edgy. I can't believe I was waiting all week to find that out. For a murderer, Boring the Girl is very, well, boring.
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