The show opens with a dream sequence from the Olden Days. Blair is Eliza Doolittle and can't seem to pronounce “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain”. Plain? Cue Boring the Girl. She steps in to say it without sounding like a British hillbilly. Blair frantically wakes up and her housekeeper Dorota is there to comfort her. She asks if Blair is ready for her trip to Yale and she assures her that she’s not only as good as in, but that she’s also going to be handpicked to attend a secret gathering at the dean’s house. This scene has made me realize what I love about Blair…she’s Karen Walker from Will & Grace in training and Dorota is her Rosario. B just needs to raise the pitch of her voice and start popping pills and the transformation will be complete. B is extremely ticked when Dorota shows her that Boring the Girl is featured on Page Six.
At the House of Bass, Lily is trying to convince BtG to try Yale since every other character on the show is going there and it would be a lot easier for the show’s writers if she went there too. Actually, she’s received a handwritten letter from the dean of admissions. BtG thinks she’s more of a Brown kind of girl since she’s all bohemian because she wears her hair in loose, wavy curls and always layers her clothes. I guess Yale is for people with straight dark hair who wear headbands and cardigans. And get this, BtG’s “It”-ness has grown exponentially since last episode. Designers are sending her their clothes to wear and Marc Jacobs has named a handbag after her. I’m guessing it’s either called the Boring Bag or the Murderess Clutch, maybe even the Hobo Killer.
Meanwhile at the Marcy Projects, Boring the Boy is talking to RuRu about his love for Yale. He’s worried that he won’t get in since he’s pretty much social trash. RuRu tells him to be himself and that Yale will love him even though no one else does.
Perfection and Nate “Lehman Brothers” Archibald are preparing for their trip to Yale just like everyone else. Perf is looking forward to meeting some “horny women’s studies majors” that he can bed. Does that make any sense? Aren’t women’s studies majors stereotypically lesbians? But I guess if anyone can turn someone, it’s Chuck Bass. Strike what I just said, it makes perfect sense. Nate just wants to go to USC because he such a down to earth guy. Perfection is going to choose his university based on secret societies. Since Yale has the crème de la crème, Skull and Bones, the choice is simple.
There’s definite awkwardness between Perfection and BtB. They obviously haven’t talked about why they broke up, but that’s BtB M.O. I’m sure they’re going to get back together and it’ll end again, just like with BtG. Perf makes BtB sound worthless and they go on their merry way. Blair and BtG get into it when B tells BtG that her school choice sucks. Yale would never want a murderer like BtG anyway. BtG then informs her mother that she is in fact going to tour Yale. So BtG is choosing her school based solely on spite. That’s exactly the route I took too. It totally paid off.
Back at the Marcy Projects RuRu, Jenny and Loch Ness are hanging out. Nessie is applying to NYU and she’s finishing high school via home study. Can you do home study if you don’t have a real home? I know Loch Ness is poor, but there are free schools in this city. There is no excuse for her to not be enrolled in a real school. I hate her so much, her character makes no sense to me and now she’s a bad influence on the kids who watch this show. Jenny invites RuRu to accompany her to the atelier for just one day to see how good she is at designing. I think Nessa points out that she doesn’t go to high school and she’s cool. No, Nessa, you’re not!
BtB’s interview is going poorly (how appropriate). He stutters and just can’t seem to find the words to express how much he wants to go to Yale. Good thing he’s not thinking of becoming a writer…oh wait. The dean points out that BtB only has one recommendation so his application is incomplete. He needs to get one of the English profs to read his work and write a letter on his behalf or he’s out of the running.
Perfection is waiting for Skull and Bones to come find him as he checks out some preppies. The Bonesmen eventually jump him and throw a bag over his head, dull! They should’ve put a Japanese stewardess under a box that is being propped up by a stick. Tied to the stick would be a length of cord. When Perf is lured into the box a Bonesman pulls the cord and the box comes down trapping Perfection, simple and entertaining.
Back to the dean’s office and Blair is waiting while BtG is interviewing. She can hear BtG being charming and making the dean laugh. I’m starting to question the caliber of our nation’s Ivy League schools is Serena van der Woodsen is considered a good candidate for Yale. When BtG finally comes out of the office, B has totally lost her cool. Could BtG’s shirt be cut any lower? You can see the bottom curve of her boob!
We’re back with Nate and he’s talking to a girl who’s a Sex in Art major or something like that. Nate tells her he’s from St. Jude’s and the guys sitting next to them ask if he knows Nate Archibald. See, every rich person in the entire world lost money because of Nate’s dad. All those rich people’s spoiled kids want to beat up Nate because now they have to get real jobs. Nate lies and says his name is Boring the Boy! What?! That’s like being mistaken for an Olsen twin, playing along with it, but saying you’re Ashley instead of Mary-Kate. Why didn’t he say Chuck Bass? If you’re going to pretend to be someone at least go for the best.
Perfection is now in the Tomb. All the Bonesmen are aware of his reputation saying rumor has it he has banged more Maxim cover models than John Mayer. This is the WORST comparison EVER! To say that the only person Perfection is more sexually desirable than is John Mayer is sacrilegious. This insults the taste and intelligence of every person who watches this show. They should’ve said Pete Doherty. Now there’s a mess I can get on board with. Perfection offers to throw the Bonesmen a party, Chuck Bass style. Whenever he says Chuck Bass I think dirty thoughts.
B’s interviewing worse than BtB. She’s asked to tell more about herself and she just can’t do it. The dean tells her BtG had such entertaining stories, so go on, tell a fun little story like the girl whose boobs were hanging out. B’s got nothin’. Why are they allowing her to fail?! We all know she has great stories. Ahem, her seating chart!!!! That would’ve gotten her a full ride and honorary Ph D. Why did she drop the ball, she’s so much better than that! As she’s leaving the interview there is no mention of the secret gathering she was so sure she’d be invited to.
Outside the dean’s office BtG tells B how much she loves Yale even though B tells her she’ll never get in. BtG is really impressed with their drama department. Since when is BtG into the arts? The only creative thing she has EVER done is decorate that room where she gave BtB sex for Christmas. And even then she didn’t do it all by herself, Nessa helped her. BtG’s cell rings and it’s the dean’s secretary inviting her to the secret gathering. Looks like BtG is on the short list for admission. B swears she’ll take her down and reminds BtG that the only reason Yale wants her is because she’s the new It girl and they want to raise their profile. Yeah, not enough people are familiar with Yale that they need a flash-in-the-pan skank socialite to raise interest in the school. I start to think B’s off her rocker, but cut to the dean’s office where he’s looking at pics of BtG in Page Six. Looks like B is right, how could I have doubted her? Dorota pulls up on a motorcycle wearing a maroon Members Only jacket. Blair jumps in the sidecar and they speed off leaving BtG in the dust. Not really, but that’s totally something Karen and Rosario would do.
Enough with Connecticut, Jenny de la Renta and RuRu are at the atelier where Jenny is showing her dad how important and talented she is. While Jenny isn’t looking RuRu asks Eleanor to fire his daughter so she can focus on school. Eleanor tells him that you don’t fire someone who’s practically a slave. No, she says Jenny is talented.
Back in New Haven, Perfection is making fun of BtG for being dumb. He asks her if she has an answer for the dean’s infamous secret gathering quiz. What person, living or dead, would you like to have dinner with and why? My answer, well, I’m sure you can guess. Perfection tells BtG Blair’s answer that she’s had for years, George Sand. He goes into how turned on B would get talking about her answer and BtG stops him, buzz kill. George Sand happens to be the dean’s favorite writer and just saying his/her name would get you into Yale slicker than snot on a door knob.
Bear Sterns Jr. is in a dorm room making out with the Art is Sexy major. She asks him if he liked “Cholera”, as in Love in the Time of, and he said it was painful…to read. No, I think he meant it hurt when he had cholera. His family can’t afford clean drinking water anymore. There’s a knock on the door, it’s the real Boring the Boy! He needs Art is Sexy to read his work and then ask one of her profs to write his letter. He sees ole Lehman Brothers Archibald in her bed and the cover is blown when he introduces himself as himself. Art is Sexy is so confused and tells Freddie Mac that he should’ve just told her the truth. I guess that means her family is poor since she wasn’t affected by Mr. Archibald’s actions. BtB tells Nate that his future is not a joke. From where I’m sitting it is. BtB starts into the whole they “come from two worlds” speech AGAIN and Fannie Mae tells him to lose the chip on his shoulder and that it’s no wonder BtG dumped him. I think they just developed crushes on each other.
Blair bribes the dean’s secretary with the promise of kitten figurines if she tells her where the party is. Of course she tells her, who can resist cat figurines?! But I wish it had been something juicier like blackmail. I’m sure the secretary is having an affair with her stepson. B needs to do better research.
RuRu has to admit he’s impressed with Jenny’s skills but that school is too important and she can’t drop out. Jenny is sad but handles his decision maturely. Okay, how much time has passed here? Just last week she was a little bitch and now she’s Ghandi.
The party is underway and BtG is in a very low cut dress. I don’t know how the skanks at Brown dress, but this is Yale. YALE! You know, where they’ll fast track you if you’re the flavor of the week socialite. B looks divine. BtG tells B her stolen answer to the question and B flips. And since it goes alphabetically, BtG will give her answer before Blair. There is a string quartet playing Muse’s Time is Running Out during this scene. The music snob in me is impressed.
The Chuck Bass Party (I just got chills) is underway at the Tomb. Perfection has ordered three girls for every guy. The girls don’t speak English and I guess that means the Bonesmen can do whatever they want to them? I mean, who are they going to tell? If they can’t speaking English no one can understand them. They tell Perf that if he wants in he needs to deliver the Son of the Reason We Need the $700B Bailout Plan. Perf says it’s as good as done. He calls Bear Sterns Jr. and invites him to Mike’s Bar to get blazed. At first I’m a little disappointed that Perfection sold out his friend, but then we see the Bonesmen attack BtB and he has totally redeemed himself.
Blair and BtG are competing for the attention of everyone at the dean’s party. Finally The Quiz has started. When it gets to BtG the dean reads the card she wrote her answer on. BtG would like to have dinner with…Pete Ferman? Who the hell is that? BtG is caught off guard and doesn’t know what to say, she has no idea who that is. Blair helps her out by announcing to everyone that Pete Ferman is the man BtG killed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually gasped when she said that!!! FINALLY someone brings that up again. It’s so low, but B was slipping and she has totally regained her footing. BtG explains that this person was a friend and that he died when she was with him. She then excuses B and herself. Outside the house they get in a huge fight and B throws her clutch at the back of BtG’s head! They have an all out cat fight and B says BtG is only getting into Yale to help them meet their skank quota.
The thrill packed day at the atelier is over and Jenny brings RuRu with her on one last errand: dropping off accessories for Lily at the House of Bass. You’ll never guess who they run into in her own home, Lily! She’s trying on BtG’s low cut dress when they walk in. She tells RuRu that no one else is home, she’s totally hinting at getting it on with him, but Saint RuRu doesn’t take the bait. He does tell her that she looks fantastic no matter what she wears. When will they finally get together?!!?!?!
The Bonesmen go to Mike’s Bar to celebrate taking down the kid of the guy who ruined their families fortunes (it’s their fault they didn’t diversify). They keep saying they got Nate Archibald and good. Nate is there and informs them that actually they didn’t, and a bar fight breaks out.
We see BtB tied to a statue in his boxers. Nate finds him and tells him that they thought he was Nate and that they hate Nate because of what the Captain did. See, BtB doesn’t come from money so he was completely oblivious to all of this. Art is Sexy walks by as AIG is trying to untie BtB. Art is Sexy has mad knot untying skills. I wonder where she got these skills and before I know it she’s addressing my question; her mother was in the Navy. And then I remember that it’s just a given that all of us have a complete understanding of our parents’ occupations through some sort of osmosis. She could’ve easily said, “I used to date an Eagle Scout”. Yes, I would’ve been satisfied with that.
Outside the dean’s party B and BtG are talking about the landmines surrounding them. They discuss whether or not they should stop being friends. Didn’t they already stop? You can tell BtG especially doesn’t want to break up. They call a ceasefire which of course won’t last.
We haven’t slummed it for a while. RuRu decides Jenny can home school like Loch Ness and then maybe she can go to the Professional Children’s School after the semester is over. Jenny is ecstatic since she’d be “just like Vera Wang” if she went to that school…or Taylor Momsen who actually plays the character of Jenny. Won’t that rip a hole in the space-time continuum? Never mind, I just looked it up. Taylor goes the the Professional Performing Arts School. That makes my theory way off base.
The next day at Yale, BtG and Blair are both at the dean’s office to convince him that the other really deserves to go to Yale, where it is acceptable to wear skank clothes to interviews, spill dark secrets in formal settings and try to convince the dean to let your friend go there? I’m starting to wish I had gone to an Ivy League school. The two of them say they “don’t want to not know” each other. Yes, that’s a direct quote. They realize they fight because they’re scared of what the future holds. And that’s it. Blair tells a room full of people that BtG murdered someone and in less than 24 hours they’re friends again because they just can’t quit each other.
Sex in Art tells BtB she’ll get someone to read his stuff and the Economic Un-Stimulus Package says he’s sorry for pretending to be Boring. Everything seems to work out just fine for everyone.
The Bonesmen confront Perfection about sending them after the wrong guy. They’re very menacing but Perf doesn’t even flinch. Turns out the foreign hookers were outfitted with hidden cameras and now Perfection has dirt on all of them. If only Bart could see this, he would be so proud. He would say, “Just like I did to your stepmother, well done my boy”. I can tell you I’m proud. They have officially made Perfection, well, perfect. Nothing sticks to him, nothing hurts him. A 176 year old secret society tries to get him to do something he doesn’t like and he blackmails all of them. Even when the bag was over his head, they were at his mercy.
Little Lehman confronts Perfection about setting up BtB, telling him it’s unacceptable. Perfection informs him that BtB is nothing, actually less than nothing. Nate comes back with, “Actually, he’s pretty cool.” Yep, that’s all he had.
The dean calls BtG to tell her she’s as good as in and that Blair is going to have to wait like everyone else. He’s looking at pics of her in the Post again. Until she’s photographed with Rachel Zoe I will never buy the storyline of BtG being the new It girl. Perfection is checking out his former best friend and the guy he went on a couple of dates with walking into the sunset. But don’t worry about him, he doesn’t need your pity.
My predictions for next week are BtB will show up outside Perfections penthouse holding a boombox over his head while it blasts Pete Gabriel’s Your Eyes in an attempt to win back his muse. Joe Sixpack Archibald will become popular again when the Dow rallies with a 900 point gain only to lose all his new found friends two hours later when it falls more than 700 points. BtG will finally realize that Blair really burned her with that whole announcing-to-all-of-Yale-that-she-killed-someone thing. She’ll get mildly upset only to forget the whole thing when Rachel Zoe asks to be photographed with her thus cementing her It girl status, damn it! Jenny will excel at homeschooling and graduate before Loch Ness, ha!
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